The fact that I didn't die the night Scar chose to leave me instead of just telling me his name, wasn't a guarantee that I was living.
What we had done, or rather what he had made me feel on Monday night changed nothing at all.
As long as he was still not ready to tell me his name I knew that we could not be together.
How could I be with a man I knew nothing about not even his name?!
Scar refusing to tell me his name up until now only meant that he didn't trust me even a little bit.
He was ready to end what we had, something so beautiful, for something as minute as his name.
Monday night had only succeeded in making things tougher for me, and I really didn't appreciate it_especially knowing that things were not going to change between us.
Yes, I was lusting after him. I desired him with every blood in my veins and every cell in my body.
I wanted him so goddamn much but I didn't need him around me until I knew this much about him, Just him name.
But I wanted him so much!
I was trying really hard to keep my cool, but I was doing a very bad job at it.
Did he have an idea how much I missed him? How much I craved him; his body, his presence, Him?
Did he know and still chose to leave me?
My heart constricted in my chest after the truth dawned on me that he probably didn't love me the way I did him.
He chose his secrets over me again and again and again even though he saw how it was hurting me to stand my ground against him.
I didn't want to be with him, with someone who would chose the darkness of secrets over me.
It was so agonizing to be away from him and that was to say the least. I became just a shell of myself only to come Alive with memories of him.
I could feel his touch on every turn, and on every inch of my body, even on those parts he hadn't touched yet.
Today was Thursday and the end of the month. And right now I was working back home after being paid by my boss.
I had to stop working Thanks to my mum.
After I had transferred the money to her, she didn't stop telling me how I didn't need to work anymore now that we were no longer poor and struggling.
In fact she insisted on it despite my protest. When I proved too stubborn she played the 'I'm your mother card' on me. So I was left with no other choice.
She was right though. I didn't need to work anymore and I no longer felt up to it.
Without Scar I didn't feel up to anything. He had all my emotions Locked up in a box where all it could do was miss him and long for him.
I had succeeded in helping my family at least, and family always came first for me.
Our new house had been furnished and decorated and we were about moving into it.
It was not as if we had much to move anyway as everything we had in our house now was either too old, broken or spoilt.
Thankfully my Dad hadn't come back from his little rendezvous with his mistress and no one in the family was really bothered about it anyway.
The only thing that worried me now was my university entrance exam which would be held early next month.
I was so not reading for it and so not ready for it.
I only hoped that my brain was still as good as it was in high school otherwise I would be fucked.
***
Before I could knock on the door my mom opened it, letting me in.
My brothers were still in school so I hadn't expected them to open the door for me, still I was scared coming face to face with my mum.
Ever since my neighbor caught me and Scar on the staircase I had been a little jumpy around her.
If he didn't tell her what he saw I was sure that my new found anxiety would give me out.
I could only hope that it wasn't today.
"Welcome." My mum said, smiling at me. She looked to be in a good mood so I relaxed, Obscurely taking a deep breath of relief.
"Thank you." I replied walking in.
"I will see you later." My mum said as she started walking back into her room. It was then I noticed that she was speaking on the phone.
I took to my room also.
If I was no longer working then it was best I read.
I eagerly took out my textbooks from my former school bag as the thought of reading made me feel a sense of achievement.
Yet, the only thing that I could think about when I opened the book was Scar.
He was occupying all of my senses and it was starting to get on my last nerve.
Instead of reading the words on my books my mind would drift to his lips and the times we had spent together and a chill of electricity would run through my core making me wet.
I was a mess.
I wondered how much more I could take before I finally lost my mind. The fact that I could not hate him no matter how hard I tried to was killing me slowly.
I dropped my book on my bed and decided to just wash away my feelings in the bathroom.
There was no use deceiving myself holding it.
After I was done with my bath my mum begged me to join her to the office of the owner of the event centre she wanted to buy.
All we needed to do was to go sign a document for the transfer of ownership.
She wanted me to come with her because according to her I was going to be her manager at the even center that's until I get admission and leave for college.
Her other reason was that she knew how I hated being oppressed and was quite aware that the man we were going to meet was full of shit so she needed me to defend her just in case she couldn't do so herself.
This is me paraphrasing, shortening her words and also praising myself.