I felt all alone as if the whole world had suddenly turned its back on me. It hurts, it does so much. My heart is on fire and my brain is distracted.
I'm being overpowered and overwhelmed by a mountain of emotions threatening to break and subdue me.
Everything reminds me of him, even the air that I breathe. Everything reminds me of the one that I lost.
"You need to stop zoning out Mira." My therapist Mrs Clara said pulling me out of my painful thoughts.
I stared back at her as tears began to fall down my eyes. I immediately wiped it off.
"Sorry. What did you say?" I sniffed.
"Do you believe that all great men die by their weaknesses." She asked, a small smile on her thin face.
"Is that question supposed to make me feel better?" I sighed.
She exhaled and leaned back on her chair. She was a beautiful woman even in her forties.
Her wig was curled and her face painted in light make up. Her pale lip was curved in a straight line as though she was thinking very hard.
I knew she was tired of me already.
I probably was the first person to ever come to this small office of hers without changing.
The Air conditioner kept blowing me from behind the wall chilling me. The office was supposed to give comfort, with the soft Sofa's and cool paints, all blue.
The table was empty apart from the side where there were files arranged. Everything was neat, classy and comforting but I was anything but comforted.
I wanted to Rip my heart out of my chest just so I could stop feeling so much pain. It hurt so bad it was never ending.
Its been more than a year now since he left me, yet I was still as hurt as I was about it as I am now. Every time I make a small progress I fall back to the pain of before.
It was tearing me apart. Breaking me and healing me all at once just so I could feel the pain over and over again as though my heart were being thrown down a cliff over and over and now I have settled for it. For the pain.
"What is going on in that huge mind of yours?" Mrs Clara asked, breaking the silence.
"Maybe we humans are fated to a dreadful life. One where there is no happiness, or joy Just a never ending abyss." I blurted out, turning to the side just so she couldn't see my tears.
The ever strong Mira who had promised herself never to cry has turned into a heap of crying mess.
This was not me, but was I really anything without him.
"That is not true and you know that. There is always a happy ending." She said softly her voice penetrating my senses.
"Happy endings are for books." I sniffed, wiping my cheeks. I took in a deep breath and faked a smile before turning back to her.
Today was supposed to be my last therapy section before I went back to college so I needed to make her believe that I was fine. I was doing a terrible job at it but what can I say.
"In real life you just suffer."
She wanted to say something but then my eyes met hers and she seemed to forget what It was.
"I will be going back to school tomorrow. My mum's friend wants to introduce us to a priest I would stay with. She doesn't trust me staying alone anymore. Its been more than a year since he left. I wish she would just trust that I am OK."
"But are you the same Mira she knew?" She asked, taking a pen and writing something down. She was probably writing down the fact that I never admitted that he was dead because he was not. I knew it and I would never accept his death.
"Are you going to write down my answer on that notebook?" I chuckled. "Or your lack of progress?"
She smiled seemingly relieved by the fact that I had done something other that zone out completely on her.
"Tell me. Are you still the same Mira?"
"People change. I've moved on. I have a boyfriend now." I shrugged. "Although he is nothing like Scar."
"No one would ever be like Scar. He's him and would forever be him. Do you still love him?"
"It doesn't matter." I scoffed. "He isn't here anymore."
"And you believe that he is alive and decided to be away from you? Why? Why would someone who you claim loves you so much leave?"
I looked out the window into the far distance of the church in the huge estate I was in. I felt nothing but a slow burning sensation in my body as if thinking about him was a match stick and talking about him the flame ready to burn me alive.
"Because Scar isn't just a criminal and a lover," I started staring back at her. "He is a trickster, and a trickster as king?" Oh what a very beautiful combination." I smiled.