Sebastian
It turned out that I ran out of reasons to stay out of town too soon. It was the sixth day, but my control over my beast has already slipped away as if it has been years since I last saw the sight of Athena. Even without being here, she was affecting me which left me wondering in my despair how I was going to succeed in staying away from her when I have intended to push her away at any cost.
I couldn't even express what I was going through nor could I, somehow, find a way out of this disastrous dilemma. I was disappointed in myself for letting myself sway away with the wave of the tsunami Athena brought into my life. I burned for her, my soul craved her presence, and my eyes were desperate to see the sight of her and have her in my arms just like...that night.
It felt like....I was dying without her.
When did she become my need? When did she captivate me so much under the spell of her love that I couldn't realise it even though her love was the only thing I'd ever considered lethal? I despised this weakness growing within me, but how could this succeed in making me feel alive? Give my soul a taste of the new world which I believed was nothing but a beautifully set trap that had my supposed demolition.
But Athena's eyes never said that she wanted to ruin me.....
Those beautiful hazel eyes never showed anything other than love. They were full of emotions, and tenderness that I felt tempted to get a taste of, her touch brought a surreal peace within my soul that I'd never felt but I didn't want this. I wanted nothing she was trying to offer me.
I wanted the pain— My only relief in this world.
And every time I saw Athena, my soul begged for me to devote myself to her—She was like a breath of fresh wind, and I wanted to drown in her so badly and never come back to my senses ever again. But, that was not what I was meant to do. There was no place for love in my life. This life was supposed to be lived like a heartless, ruthless and vicious monster. There shouldn't have been any change, no touch of love or place for any emotional attachment.
Then why?
Why was I falling so weak? I have always forced myself to do things that I didn't want to, I hurt people, I killed innocents without giving a damn about the outcomes, I wiped away any sort of emotions from my heart and sealed it shut so that those sentiments could never creep their way back, I build myself like this and there shouldn't have been any problem with living like this way forever, but it wasn't true. I was indeed feeling the cracks getting opened, being exposed to the light Athena brought into my life, I was becoming the person, perhaps, my mate wanted to see.
And I hated it. I did not want to change but all my attempts were going in vain. The more I tried to push myself away from the boundaries, every single thought of Athena, dragged me to the edge where I'd finally lose it. I was afraid of opening up to the new world she was trying to show me, and this fear was one of those few things I was trying to hold onto at any cost.
Those dead emotions in the depth were now like a tickling bomb—They could explode at any minute and destroy this person I have made myself to be.
The dreadful memories of my horrendous past I have kept on the front were now working as nothing. People always try to erase the recollection that hurt them but I prefer to do the opposite. Pain is what keeps us reminded of the things we wish to avoid and in my case it was love— It was the awful feeling in this damn heart beating in my chest every time my eyes took a look at the beautiful woman I broke in every way possible.
She was too good to be true and that's why I ruined her. Little by little, being in control and wholly comfortable underneath my skin even though her watery eyes with unshed tears told me everything untold, every time I glimpsed at her.
I broke her and never gave her a chance to heal just like I'd kept my own wounds raw, only so that they could constantly remind me of the mission of my life, however, they too were falling weak in succeeding to shelter my outer demeanour and the cruel facade that took so long to build but didn't even take a year for Athena to break through.
But not anymore.
Being near my mate was already more than I could afford; Seeing the sight of her was a touch of the heaven I never imagined getting a chance to see. Having the liberty to feel her love was more than anything I could have wished for, and having the ability to accept it with open arms would have been my greatest chance at life if I weren't to be this monster forever.
But Alas! I was a monster and I'd always have to be.
My destiny was written the day goddess gave me this curse and this is one of those things that are not meant to be rewritten, didn't know about others' cases but I did not want to get back to the same prison where anyone could use my weakness against me for the sake of their own profit.
Years ago when I accepted this curse, I didn't accept it with the intention of changing into the same person all over again. How could one woman vanish my determination with a snap of her finger?
I'd never allowed anyone the power over me but Athena took it away. It was still a debate whether I'd allowed her to do so, or she snatched it but what mattered was that she had the keys to the door I did not want open, not in this lifetime, not in any other lifetime.
And the only way to gain back control over me was to push her away.
I knew I did not even possed the nearest idea of how much I have hurt her, and for a person like me who has been deemed so slow, it'd be hard for anyone to believe that I did not want to treat Athena like that, not even the slightest bit to that level. But did I stop myself from doing so?
Absolutely not.
There was no denying that I did not have the right to have her and she did not deserve to be put through the hell I have created. She deserved to be free and if there was anyone who was meant to suffer is me. It was all my fault, everything I did was solely my doing and I had to bear the respibitly for her.
Damn...she tried so hard to fix me. She gave all of her to me in return for all the torments I made her face— She was a woman with a heart of gold, losing her would be equivalent to losing the greatest treasure this world has offered me, but I had to.
Neither could I keep her locked with me and burn in the flames of this cage, nor could I let her change me.
So the only way to end this was to let her go....
That was the only thing left to do and, it might destroy me even more than Athena's loving gaze did, but amidst these two types of distractions, that was the one I could afford and can get through. It was a sure case that I was too far away from the shore to ever get back, the only way of escape was to drown deeper and deeper into the endless sea, with the intention of never getting back till the rest of my meaningless life.
And to push Athena away, once and for all, I might have to cross the extreme lengths I hadn't till now. This time I'd have to hurt her....maybe for one last time, but in a way I never had. And unfortunately, there was no space to take a step back from this ultimate decision because if I did, that'd be the end of my curse.
I'm sorry, Athena...but our destiny can never be intertwined.