Athena
My eyes had opened on their own, before even the first hours of the morning. It turned out that, even sleep couldn't keep my mind and soul in control. I was restless, beyond anyone could understand, not that there was anyone to understand, but that was truly the least out of all the worst things that'd happened to me till now.
As I splashed cold water on my face, trying hard to get a hold of my racing heart and cluttered emotions that stung me every time they crossed through. I did not know, why was I still thinking about my decisions twice, trying to reprocess everything to get a new meaning, when Sebastian had not bothered to give one thought to what he said and did when he actually cut the last string between us with his own hands.
I should not think about him. All that should matter to me is my baby— Then why? Why was I still having these horrible thoughts in my mind? Why was the weight on my chest not fading at all and only getting heavier as time passed by?
Last night Sebastian broke all my hopes, and most importantly tore my intention to let him know about our child. Never mind, It was not as if he'd accepted us with open arms if he knew. He was fucking heartless, still the same person from within, and when everything I had done in these past few months had not managed to change even the slightest bit of his cruel ways, the news of this child wouldn't as well.
Amidst all these, at least now I knew that I'd tried my best and won't have any reason to regret it once I leave him.
Yes. I did not have any more responsibilities towards him just like he did not have any towards me unless I counted the regular torture he put me through, after all that's something he never forgot.
A trembling sigh left my mouth. I tried hard to calm my racing heart but somehow I knew the truth— Nothing was going to fix this; This despair and ache might always stay with me, like many of those everlasting pain I haven't managed to wipe off of my heart and soul.
It fucking hurt that I still loved that man even though he did not deserve it; He did not deserve any of the things I'd offered. He did not deserve all these changes I'd given him over and over again.
But still...
Was it my fault that this heart of mine only beat for him? I was not a warrior, but I have fought...more than I could.
I didn't have any strength left. I wanted to be at peace, maybe for a while or maybe forever.
I now truly wished that I could go back in time and never meet Sebastian. It was sickening how this man has damaged me so much yet my soul was still yearning for his one single touch and a glance where there wouldn't be anything else than love.
I walked out of the bathroom, walked back to the bed and sat at the edge. pressing my hands flat on the mattress of the bed, I let out a low breath, blinking my tears away that magically managed to make their way to my eyes, forfeiting all my restraints.
Thankfully my mate had allowed me some time for myself by not visiting this guestroom unannounced. For him, maybe this counted in as another of all those favours he did for me when in reality none of those was actually a favour, to say the least.
I felt like laughing at my fortune. I couldn't even allow myself to cry because these tears made me feel weaker than I already was.
I was not ashamed of my weaknesses but I was ashamed of my feelings. I felt fucking miserable for the feeling way I felt.
"Calm down, Athena," I sighed, burying my face into my palms, "Just calm down."
How Sebastian's mind worked was still a mystery and perhaps, it'd always remain a mystery. The fact that the person pushing me away and proving that he hated me in every possible way was the one the goddess made for me as the other half of my soul, just did not fit well. How could she ever make him a part of anyone's soul when he has already tainted his ones with sins and never-ending darkness?
There was nothing else left to prove. Sebastian was truly incapable of love and that was my greatest agony that'd keep stabbing me in the heart for the rest of my life.
He'd not checked up on me, nor did he send any maids of guards. Not that I was surprised or expecting him here— I knew he wasn't going to need me. It was more than just obvious because, why would he when I clearly saw him calling Celine in the room right after I left? He had his preferred companion beside him. So why would he need me, the mate he wanted to do nothing but get rid of?
Something I feel like knowing what he would have done if he was in my shoes. But unfortunately, it was never possible for me to learn about it. I was far from the shore, drowning in the depth of misery and every burden this world could have hung tight around my feet, like heavy chains that could stop even the strongest ships from sailing away. And I was just a mere creation of god, who was full of weakness and pain she had to endure to survive.
If only Sebastian had known what he was missing on! If only he knew how much I loved him and what a beautiful future we could have had together.
"Stop it!" I shut my thoughts down, "Just stop it! He has already destroyed everything."
My reminder to myself did not actually work, but it gave me a taste of the bitter reality that I needed to face.
Enough was enough. I was no longer going to keep sacrificing everything for Sebastian when none of it was ever going to matter to him.
My hand automatically moved to rest on my belly along with my stare.
I have already decided what I needed to do, and giving it a second thought would mean that...my child did not matter to me. I could not just be a selfish mother, so desperate for her mate's love that she was willing to sacrifice her baby for it.
Yes, all I ever wanted was to be loved, however, I wouldn't let this desire of mine give me a lifetime of regret. I was not going to let go of my child.
"Am I wrong for not telling your father about you?" Out of the blue, the question left my mouth, "Does he deserve to know about your existence?"
Did Sebastian deserve to know about our child? No, he didn't. What did he even do to deserve it? He did not derive anything I'd offered, all the fights I have fought for him, all the times I forgave him and tried to give us a new chance.
He did not deserve it.
But what if the person within him awakens after hearing this news? What if everything takes a turn for good?
Damn it! Why was I letting myself have false hopes once again?
He was not going to change then why was every inch of my soul dying to try to see a change?
I bit down the inside of my cheek, fighting hard to not step away from my decision. My palms got covered in sweat, my breathing picked up an uncomfortable pace and my chest tightened.
No! I couldn't tell him. He did not deserve to know.....
But this is his child too.
My legs shot up and I found myself standing up and pacing back and forth in the room.
The confusion I'd thought was long ago, rose high, emerging like a tornado, much more devastating than prior; Soon I found myself fighting the want to do the only thing I wanted to prevent.
Not telling him would cost me nothing, except for having to cope with guilt for a lifetime. But what would telling him bring me? Perhaps, nothing or it could snatch everything away from me.
Sebastian was literally the curse of my life and just like him, I wanted to hold onto my curse with every drop of strength I had left because that's the only meaning I have found in my life— My mate, the only man I loved.
I knew Sebastian was a monster, but I did not think that he would want to hurt his child.
He wouldn't treat our baby like his father did to him, would he? What if he does?
A cold drop of sweat glided down my forehead. I inhaled a deep breath, contemplating what I should be doing and whether was it wise to bite the bullet.
A minute passed by and I kept looping around my thoughts and beliefs.
No. This was definitely not wise but this was what should be done. Yes, I might be a complete fool for taking this step but was there any way to deny that he has the same right over our child as much as I do?
He was heartless but I wasn't; Yes, I knew every decision taken by this heart was stupid, invalid, unnecessary and unpaired with the circumstances, but my feelings weren't wrong. How could I blame myself for feeling the way I did? How could I stop feeling and if I did succeed somehow, what was the guarantee that it wouldn't turn me into a very similar reflection of Sebastian?
I have taken enough wrong decisions in my life already, I wouldn't prevent myself from taking another one if it just took a burden from me— Guilt, I did not want to have guilt pestering me in the new path I wanted to walk.
No hindrance. No remorse. No burdens from the past.
And this was the only way— One last step and everything's either over, or it could be a beautiful start-over.
My feet proceeded before I could get them to, and I found myself walking out of the room and heading to Sebastian.
Enough was enough. Now, I wanted a life without fear and regrets, whether it'd be with or without my mate.