Six Months Ago
Continual Of The Flashback:
Sebastian
Being free— Yes, being free was all that I wanted and today I have sent away the only person who had the power to cage me. That was not the only thing I did— I made sure to break her in every possible way I could, in a way she would never be whole all by herself again.
What did I even leave? I put her through every worst nightmare this world could have; And for what? Only because she wanted to heal me. She wanted to get me back to a life I thought did not have any meaning left in it.
Hell, I could just keep going and put all the injustices I did to her on the table and unfortunately, the list wouldn't end.
And as I looked at myself in the mirror I could see none but a monster— Just like Athena said.
Her tear-stained face, and eyes that held the pain altogether to not give away what had gone in her mind full of chaos and thoughts, were haunting me and each time they'd stab deep into my heart that ached for her.
I felt terrible. It wasn't as if I had ever felt good about myself but the facade I kept on, helped me to deceive everyone including myself.
Then, how could she see through it? How could she have the courage to get closer to a monster like me who destroyed everything close to him?
And how could she accept every bit of the pain, anguish, and torture that had no boundaries and hurtful words that one wouldn't utter even to his enemy, all with a smile?
I hated myself.
I didn't want to regret my decision. But as I took in her absence, the lack of the warmth of her touch and her heavenly scent...I was going insane. Deranged.
She was meant to be here...beside me.
My throat dried up, sweat covered my forehead and breathing took up a pace that was concerning but not less than the situation in which I found myself tangled together.
My heart felt empty...
But it was always empty, wasn't it?!
I balled up my fists. I couldn't think straight, her absence was fucking torturing me, killing me from within and it hadn't even been hours.
I knew how to live alone. I had always lived alone, stayed on my own, and had been one for myself.
Then why was her absence bothering me so fucking much!!!
She was never meant to be mine....
"She was never meant to be mine. She was never meant to be mine. She was never—" I kept repeating on an endless loop, trying to convince myself, my stare unsteady with eyes looking everywhere for no reason.
My voice got louder and I found myself grabbing the wall shelf of the bathroom and throwing it against the mirror. It broke into pieces that flew everywhere, some cut their way deep into my skin. Blood seeped out of the fresh wounds but I couldn't care less. The blood scared me the least.
"She was mine! She was fucking mine in every way!" I shouted out, unable to hold it inside anymore and plucked out the glass piece that punctured into the side of my face and threw it away, followed by pieces that'd dug into my arms.
The flashbacks of the night when I carved my name on her skin with glass glimmered in front of my eyes. The visions seemed to get fresh as if it was all a matter of yesterday.
I painted her beautiful skin with my marks.....I ruined the beauty of her delicate skin which itself was a paradise.
"Every part of her, every nook, every cranny, her soul, her mind— Everything was mine! She offered me all of it but I.....never accepted the way she deserved to be accepted!" Tears gathered in my eyes for the first time in all these years, "I ruined her. I broke her. I treated her like a demon when all she searched for was a mate."
The air felt heavier than stone, it was sharp, threatening to cut through my veins and cords.
No! I could not cry.
I did what was right!
"Hurting her was not right! It was insanity!"
I grabbed a glass piece from the ground and without wasting a second, I used the sharp head to pierce the skin on my hand, not bothering to get dangerously close to the wrist as I finished the last syllable.
I wrote her name— Making sure that each of the letters gets carved so deep that they wouldn't fade, not even the slightest bit in this lifetime. The blood travelled down my arm, and dripped to the floor making a mess yet I did not feel satisfied.
Growling that could express my agony to the bare minimum, I grabbed another of the shelves and threw it against the sink; When I found the objects unharmed except for a few things flying here and there, just to satisfy my urge to find peace in destruction, I smashed the counter with bare hands.
I was burning from the inside out, turning into ashes and not being able to even utter a single word cause I simply didn't have the right to be crying over the things I could have mended but chose to neglect.
This was the way to survive, wasn't it?
'Look where you have made us stand today; Just see what you have done and remember all those chances that I gave you yet you blew them away. And it's not even like I expect you to regret it, I just want you to know that...I loved you, Sebastian.' Her trembling voice rang in my mind.
My legs were falling weak, it felt hard to breathe in the air that did not have her scent lingering within its particles.
"This isn't a way to survive!" I shouted, at the top of my lungs, "She wasn't harming me. I was! I have always been!"
'I pray that regret never even crosses your mind, or touches you because I won't be coming back. Not in this life, not in any other life we might get. And I'm sure you won't be able to handle it if you realise what you have lost and what you have done.' Athena's voice constantly rang in my head.
Her cries, her heart-wrenching screams and her pleading whimpers— All of it shrouded my head.
"Please, Sebastian. What did I do wrong that you are doing this to me?" Her cry of the day when I snatched her innocent by force, buzzed in my ears.
All the cells in my body froze like ice.
I felt ashamed to recall my deeds; They only made me drown deeper in the self-loathe.
How could I do that to her?!
She begged me to stop.....yet I didn't.
When did I become a.....rapist?
The sounds of her cry, the sight of her eyes filled with unshed tears every time I crossed the limits, how I didn't care about going beyond the boundaries just so I could push her away and my coward soul from the warmth of emotions she brought within me— Made me want to tear myself into pieces by myself.
I covered my ears, tried to vent my emotions through shouting, and destroyed everything I could find near my hands but except for the slight burn in my lungs and a tinge bit of pain in my muscles, I got nothing.
"I don't deserve to live! I don't fucking deserve a thing!" I kicked the broken objects scattered on the floor.
Athena's voice in my head wouldn't stop. My whole life was replaying in front of my fucking eyes and I wasn't able to hold onto a damn thing. All I could was regret my decisions and see the guilt breaking me.
But as my guilt rose higher, the cries of my Athena into nothingness but my attempt to get myself together using that mere second was seized as the scenario got replaced.
This time the words that rang inside of my head were the ones that she said with nothing but hatred.
'Do you know something, Sebastian? There was a time when I thought you were a victim. I thought you had no fault, you were helpless and trapped— You had no way to get out but I was wrong. I forgot that the same blood runs in your veins, just like him.....'
My whole body stiffened.
What she had said was not a lie. I knew it was the damn truth but did I have the courage to accept it?
'Today, as I look at you— I can see no one else than Elijah in you. You have become a living reflection of your father which makes you no less than the same killer who killed your mother in front of your own eyes.'
Unknowingly my eyes flicked to one of many pieces of the broken mirror piled up together; All my deeds and the tortures I put my mate through, flashed in front of my eyes within a matter of a second.
There was no way left for denial— I treated her way worse than Elijah treated my mother. He had at least made it easy for her by killing her but I......I put Athena through death every day, and every time I made it even more painful for her.
'You have always treated me just the way your father has treated your mother. You are nothing but just like your damn father. Just look at yourself in the mirror for once and you'd see none but Elijah in you because that's what a monster you have become. A living reflection of Elijah.'
Was I the same as Elijah? Had I become just like him in the fight of trying to overpower the world and run away from my demons?
"No, I am not like him," It left my mouth on its own, and my voice trembled.
"I can not be like him. He was worse, way worse." I chuckled, my hands vigorously shaking as I rubbed them down my mouth from my forehead, repeatedly shaking my head.
But what had I left to do that he has not done except for taking my mate's life?
"I can never become the same as my mother's killer. I can...." The strength left in me to deny the truth, vanished away and rage replaced the place of pain.
Yes. The same blood ran in my veins and unknowingly I had become just like Elijah. I followed in his footsteps when I should have created my own.
I hated myself. This life of mine was a burden for everyone that I should have wiped off long ago instead of ruining others.
"My mother's killer.....I'm no different than that murderer!" Growling I grabbed the last shelf that was left untouched, remaining perfectly fixed to the back wall and threw it against the wall in front.
Not being able to calm myself and think logically for the sake of my mate, I searched for another object, but then as I threw the stuff here and there....my eyes fell on something strange.
My entire world stopped for a second. My racing heart did not calm down....it just stopped; Totally stopped beating.
I walked over and picked up the blue test strip. My eyes widened, my mind went blank and realisation poured over me like ice-cold water....so cold that it cracked every inch of my skin.
A pregnancy test.
Not just a test— A positive one.