Umuulan sa labas nang sumilip si Ed sa bintana. Nagtaka siya na sa Las Vegas na tinaguriang kuna ng disyerto at tuyong klima lalo pa ngayong Mayo na halos katapusan na ng tagsibol at kasagsagan ng tag-init, bibihira ang ulan. Namasdan niya ang biglang pagbuhos ng ulan kaya naman ang mga tao sa labas ay nagmamadaling pumunta sa silong. Sinilip niya ang relo sa kanang kamay. 6:15. Late si Reneé. Marahil, umatras na sa pinagkasunduang tagpuan at pag-uusap nila. Nakainom siguro `yon no’ng kinausap ako sa telepono, hinuha niya. Kaya matapang at walang puknat ang pag-imbita na mag-usap kami. Ngayon, nahimasmasan na. Hindi na siguro sisipot `yon. Pero maghinhintay pa rin ako dito hanggang labinlimang minuto. Sayang naman ang reserbasyong itinawag ko sa restaurant na ito. Baka naman na-traffic lang.
Tinawag niya ang waiter para dalhan siya ng tubig at appetizer. Binuksan niya ang laman ng kanyang bag. Isang appointment book na naglalaman ng lahat ng mga schedule niya sa klinika, ilang endorsement papers ng mga kompanyang gustong gamitin ang kanilang produkto, listahan ng mga pasyente, at ilang notes na kanyang naisulat.
Nang dumating ang mga pagkaing in-order niya, punung-puno ng papel ang kanyang lamesita. Isa-isa niya itong itinupi at ibinalik sa bag.
Halos maubos na niya ang mushroom soup at baguette nang dumating si Reneé. Humahangos ito papunta sa kinaroroonan niya.
“I’m sorry for being so late. This rain is a monster,” nagmamadaling isinabit ang kanyang shoulder bag sa isang bakanteng upuan at ibinigay ang coat sa waiter.
“It’s all right, Reneé. I’m used to waiting,” depensa ni Ed. “I started to eat something, though.”
“That’s fine. My friends tell me to always be punctual. They say that it’s respect for other people’s time. But somehow, something always comes up. I’m usually early. I’m so sorry.”
“I said it’s all right. I’m a doctor. Patience is our hallmark. Besides, I made good use of my time while waiting. No problem, really.”
Hindi rin sigurado ni Reneé kung ano ang kakainin. Pinagbabaligtad na niya ang menu pero hindi pa rin siya makapili.
“You can try their mole . It’s really good. That is, if you’re into Mexican food,” mungkahi ni Ed.
“What’s a mole ?” inosenteng tanong ni Reneé.
“Nobody knows what it is, really. But it’s a concoction of the Mexicans. It’s a mixture of about 12 herbs and spices, some say 15, or 8, or God knows how many, and they pour it over chicken, or pork, or beef. It’s a little spicy and tastes like chocolate and beans, and peanuts…”
“Wow, that sounds a little exotic.”
“It is. Try it. Unless you’re not much of a foodie exotique.”
“Oh, I am. I am. From where I come, food is really out of this world. In the Philippines, we serve boiled duck eggs with embryos in them, frog legs, and even locusts. And I eat all of them. So this one is like pasta for me.”
Natawa nang malakas si Ed. Hindi inalis ang tingin sa kausap.
“You know, you look better when you smile,” mahinang sabi ni Reneé habang sinalok ang baba at ipinatong ang siko sa lamesita.
Sumeryoso ang mukha ni Ed. Hindi alam kung seseryosohin ang tinuran ng kausap.
“I’m not kidding. When you’re serious, you look so… how do I say this?”
“Old?”
“No.”
“Formal?”
“More like it. You look so dignified and aloof and distant. And judgmental.”
“Judgmental?”
“I say, ‘you look judgmental,’ not that you really are.”
“Oh, I guess I should feel good about that.”
“So, what’s your story?”
“What story?” Kinuha ni Ed ang baso ng tubig at nilagok ang natitirang laman nito.
“Why did you become a doctor? Why are you here in Vegas? Are you gay?”
“I think I should get another glass of water,” pabirong bigkas ni Ed. Hindi maitago ang gulat na naramdaman sa mga birang tanong ni Reneé.
“Oh, I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, Ed. I’m sorry. I’m not really good at being sensitive to the feelings of other people. That’s usually my failing.”
“And I always thought that you’re the patient here. Not me,” nangingiting sambit ni Ed.
“I thought that if I have to be open with my doctor, I also need him to be open with me. That’s just fair, right?”
“Fair enough, what do you wanna know first? Those are three questions that need heavy comprehensive answers.” Kinuha ni Ed ang puting napkin na nakapatong sa tabi ng placemat at ipinahid sa kanyang mga labi.
“Now, you’re making me uncomfortable. Okay, don’t answer them.” Ibinaling ni Reneé ang tingin sa hawak na kopitang may red wine at tinapik-tapik ang bibig nito.
“I’m gay, Reneé. Always have been. But I was married once. Got two kids, both girls. One’s in high school. Plans to go into medicine, too. Another’s in middle school. They both know and understand,” dere-deretso at walang kurap-kurap na salaysay ni Ed.
Hindi nakakibo si Reneé sa narinig. Ilang segundo ang itinakbo bago siya nakapagsalita. “Where are they now?”
“They’re in Illinois, with their mother.”
“And what about her?”
“My ex-wife? Oh, she took it bad. Never forgave me. She’s the one who filed for divorce. Said I cheated her the whole time. Can’t really blame her. She’s one of those women who came from a conservative Midwest family. When you come from old-fashioned Illinois, your goals are to get married and raise a family. I guess I shattered her dreams. So, here I am,” kaswal na kuwento ni Ed.
“You sound like you’re telling another person’s story. Have you no remorse or guilt for what you did to your wife?” bakas sa mukha ni Reneé ang bahagyang pagkairita sa tinuran ng kausap.
“Oh, I suffered, Reneé. Big time. You couldn’t imagine. I had to leave O’Fallon because I couldn’t take it any longer. I was barred from seeing my kids. My parents disowned me. My friends wouldn’t see me. I had to live elsewhere and be a different person altogether. I paid my dues.”
Napansin niya na nag-iba ang ekspresyon sa mukha ni Reneé. Namuo ang luha sa mga mata nito. Ramdam nito ang pait ng sinasabi niya.
“But I put it all behind me. I chose to move forward. I could no longer unchange myself. Maybe I had to pay a bitter price for being myself. I can’t say that I’m happy now. I guess no one’s left to be completely happy, right? But I feel better than I did when I was married. Anyway, years later, it was the kids who looked for me and Margaret couldn’t do anything anymore to stop them.”
“She’s still angry with you?”
“She wouldn’t speak to me still. But I‘ve learned to live with that. I hope someday she’ll forgive me and that she’d speak to me.”
Tuluyan nang bumagsak ang luha ni Reneé. Malikot niyang kinalkal ang laman ng kanyang bag. Hinahanap ang dalang panyo. Inabot ni Ed ang hawak na napkin sa kausap.
“I didn’t know you’d be so moved by my story. It was hell for me during that time. I had no one—no family, no career, no friends, nothing. But I chose to survive.”
Nilulon ni Reneé ang bikig na bumara sa kanyang lalamunan. “You remind me so much of someone I knew from the Philippines.”
“Is he the reason?”
“The reason for what?”
“You wanting surgery.”
Bumalik sa pagkakaupo si Reneé. “No, this is entirely my own decision. Nothing to do with him. At all.”
“But he could be a reason?”
“God, I don’t even know where he is now.”
“Obviously, you need to do a lot of clean-up about your past.”
“What?” Nalito si Reneé sa huling tinuran ni Ed. Hindi niya alam kung isusubo ang pagkaing nakaharap sa kanya o iinom ng tubig. Masusing tinitigan ang kausap. Naghahanap ng kasagutan sa mga mata nito na nakatingin sa kanya.
“That’s the first step towards recovery. You need to forgive the people who did you wrong, ask forgiveness from the people you did wrong to, and embrace yourself, warts and all. Then you can proceed with the surgery.”
“You sound so academic, Ed. This is not some passage that you read from books. This is my life you’re talking about.”
“I know, I know. I’m just saying, is all.” Ininom ni Ed ang natitirang red wine sa kanyang kopita at pinunasan ang bibig. “Is he academic, too?”
“Who?” Ilang segundo pa ang lumipas bago naintindihan ni Reneé ang itinatanong ni Ed. “Are we getting started with the psychological profiling already?”
“You can say that. But I’m not forcing you to talk about it right now. Take your time. I’m very patient, you know.”
“No, I wanna talk about it. His name is Willie Sta. Cruz. He was my teacher back in college.”
Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Ed. Hindi inaasahan ang kuwento ni Reneé.
“You’re being judgmental again. With those deep blue judging eyes.”
“No, no, go ahead. Just a little surprised, is all.”
“We had a thing… and then word got around. Next thing I knew, my parents filed a complaint to the dean and the board of trustees. He was kicked out of the school and I got to graduate. Never heard from him again. To this day.”
“So that’s where all the guilt’s coming from,” matamlay na sambit ni Ed.
“Guilt? Who said about guilt?”
“Reneé, since I first saw you I knew you’ve a very interesting story to tell. You come on as a sure-footed fellow who knows and is sure about everything. I figure that one of these days, I’ll be able to find where your weakness is. Your Achilles’ heel. This is it.”
“And so?”
“I think you haven’t come to terms with your past. You need to see this Willie Sta. Cruz. You need to fill this void that the experience has caused you. Right now, it plays like a broken record in your mind.”
“Meaning what?”
“That the guilt’s eating you up. That you feel you’ve caused his downfall. That you were to be blamed for what’s happened to him. And this guilt motivates you to do the surgery.”
“You’re absolutely wrong. Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve always wanted to change how I looked. Willie was just a catalyst. He was my great love.”
“All first loves are great loves.”
“He was not my first.”
“Oh, so you have another one?”
“My best friend.”
“Oh, dear. Now, the plot thickens.”
Itinapon ni Reneé ang isang tinidor sa kinaroroonan ni Ed. Nagtawanan silang dalawa. Pero ang tawa ni Reneé ay may halong kaba at pangamba.
“So how did’ya get here in the US?”
“Even before I graduated, I was already busy submitting my resumé to all companies abroad. Didn’t want to get employed in the Philippines. Too crowded. Everybody knew everybody. I wanted to start on a clean slate. And then, I saw McCann Erickson’s ad needing people willing to be trained. I got the job and they wouldn’t let me go. So they helped me get a working visa, and then, eventually, I got my green card.”
“You sure have a very interesting life,” hangang-hangang sagot ni Ed.
“But if you’re Reneé living the life of Reneé, you won’t find it interesting at all. It’s hell.”
Humalakhak uli si Ed. Hindi maitago ang ringal sa kausap. “Seriously, Reneé. You need to have a closure with your past. Possibly with these guys first.”
“I am one contrived melodramatic tragic heroine.”
“How’re your parents?”
“I haven’t spoken to them since the incident. They don’t know I’m here. They’d probably freak out and die when they get to know my decision.”
“You blame them for how this has turned out?”
“Partly. In time, just like you, I might be able to sort this out and reach out to them. It’s been six long years since I last spoke to them.”
“Gee, you have a whole civilization dug inside you. Let’s just take one step at a time. It’d be easier that way.”
Napabuntong-hininga si Reneé. Nakahinga nang maluwag. Matagal nang naging palaisipan ang mga isiniwalat niya kay Ed. Nakabaon ang mga ito nang malalim sa kanyang puso at kalooban. Ngayon lang niya naikuwento ito sa ibang tao sa loob ng matagal na panahon. “I’m really glad that we’re doing this, Ed. I think I feel a lot better now. Thank you for this.” Tiningnan niya ang kabuuan ng mukha ni Ed. Maamo ito. Bagama’t bahagyang natatakpan ng maiitim na balbas at bigote ang ilalim na bahagi ng kanyang mukha, hindi maipagkakailang gustong-gusto ni Reneé ang nakikita sa kausap.
Bahagyang ngumiti si Ed sa tinuran ng kausap. “There’ll come a time when I think I’ll have to stop being your doctor, Reneé.” Inusog nito ang condiment shaker sa tabi ng kanyang plato para magkaroon ng mas malaking espasyo sa mesa.
Takang nailaglag ni Reneé ang tangang kutsilyo at kumalansing ito sa ibabaw ng kanyang plato. “W-what? What do you mean? You won’t be my doctor anymore?”
“I’m saying that I’ll have to stop seeing you as a doctor and recommend Greg to take my place. I might be overstepping the doctor-patient relationship and lose my license. Are you getting what I’m saying?”
“I’m not sure I am.”
“Look, I am beginning to like you, Reneé. A lot. And I wanna get to know you more. If I do that, I’ll have to stop being your doctor.” Malagkit na titig ang ipinako ni Ed sa kausap.
Ibinaba ni Reneé ang kanyang tingin. Hindi niya sinuklian ang sumasamong titig ni Ed sa kanya.
“I’m sorry, Ed. I don’t think I’m ready for anything right now. There’re so many things I need to work on with my life first. This isn’t one of them. Besides, the reason I lost Willie is because I overstepped our relationship as teacher-student. Jesus, I don’t wanna do it again.” Hindi niya maintindihan kung bakit nasabi niya ito kay Ed. Si Ed na larawan ng kabutihan at pagmamalasakit.
“I understand, Reneé,” tahimik na sagot ni Ed. Kinuha nito ang kopita at itinaas. “Well, let’s celebrate your emerging new life.”
Pilit na itinaas din ni Reneé ang kanyang kopita.
“To life,” masayang bigkas ni Ed.
Tinungga ng dalawa ang natitirang alak.
“It’s almost June. Can you believe it?” masayang bigkas ni Reneé.
“Yeah. It’s the month of the San Francisco Pride.”
“Wait a minute, you know the San Fran Pride?”
“I’m an American gay, hello? Who doesn’t know about the Pride?” takang-takang sambit ni Ed.
“I’m not sure that it means a lot to you,” balikwas na sagot ni Reneé.
“Listen, I have an idea. Will you go with me to the San Francisco Pride?” deretsong tanong ni Ed sa kausap.
“I go to San Fran every June. I always file a few day’s leave from work to be there. I lived in San Fran for a while, you know. I didn’t know the Pride is important to you, too.”
“Well, now you know. You’re not the only one celebrating.”
Nagkatinginan sila nang matagal. Parehong hindi nila napansin na tumila na ang ulan sa labas.