(Day 32/122 of the experiment)
Yesterday I received Max's blessing for pistachio ice cream in the evening while watching TV. And after Skype with Susan, I went to fulfill the promise given to my trainer – to eat ice cream and relax.
We discussed the topic of marriage with my psychologist, and I came to the conclusion that marriage for the sake of marriage is not what I need. That is, I don't just want a gold ring and a stamp in my passport. By the way, they don't put stamps now – we have relatively new ID passports, and they haven't figured out how to put stamps on plastic yet. I want to feel loved and needed. And I want to give and receive warmth and love. Partially, Richard helps with this task. But only partially. Because he is a cat and simply cannot say, “Cinderella, I love you!”
I really liked Susan's explanation of why you shouldn't look for your other half if you are currently very unhappy. Imagine a cup that is barely filled with water. And another cup that is full of water. This is the woman-cup (almost empty) and the man-cup (full). They start building a relationship, spend time together, communicate, go to the movies, on dates, give each other gifts, and then the man realizes that he has neither the strength nor the desire to invest in this relationship.
Why does this happen? Because the man who has strength, resources, and desire (that is, water in the cup) gives himself to this relationship. He tries to make the woman happy. She, in turn, accepts his attention, gifts, compliments, while giving nothing in return. Yes, she might say “thank you” for the bouquet she received, but emotionally she is empty. And she would be happy to share her “water” with the man’s vessel, but there’s nothing to share. So, it turns out that the fluid flows from the “man-cup” to the “woman-cup” and gets depleted because there is no exchange. And the woman gets used to the fact that the partner gives himself entirely to this relationship, and when he gets tired of it, she has a persistent feeling of “he doesn’t love me, I’m not needed.”
So I decided that Tristan's departure will definitely benefit me. For now, I will fill myself up, and we'll see what happens next.
Text No. 10. Why I abandon everything halfway and don’t finish things.
After our psychological consultations, I can easily answer this question.
First of all, I don't finish those tasks that, deep down, I really don't want to do. This could be some work project or some household chore that I simply hate doing. Secondly, I am a person who needs motivation and understanding of why. That is, I do my unloved job well because I have motivation – a salary. However, I abandoned attending English courses almost immediately because I know that in the near future I don’t plan any long trips or emigration. So – I lack motivation.
If we talk about the positive, am I engaged in sports? Yes, I am. At first I did it to win a bet with May, now I see results and want to become even more beautiful. These same psychological consultations. At first, I was very skeptical about them. I thought that the clients of psychologists were mentally ill people with incurable diseases and who pose a threat to society. After all the exercises I have done and continue to do, I understand that a psychologist is a person who should be in everyone's life. Because we all suffer from childhood grievances, incorrect perceptions of ourselves and others. And all these things have such a negative impact on life that we don’t even imagine it.
So now I know how to see things through to the end.
P.S. And one more crucial factor in effective self-work is rest. Susan, can we take a break from our activities tomorrow? Please!
(Day 33/122 of the experiment)
The good woman Susan gave me the go-ahead to take a break from our psychological consultations today. In general, it seems to me that during these days I've interacted with the psychologist, I've talked and cried out all my life.
So today, I'll spend the day in interesting company and almost in silence. First, I met with Lilia and we went to the cinema to watch a women's comedy. Then we stopped by CANTUCCINI – Tristan's restaurant, where I fell in love with him.
-Listen, I'm so happy for you! You’re literally glowing! Even your gaze has changed. Can you give me Susan’s number? I’d like to see her too. – I see genuine excitement in my friend's eyes.
-Yes, of course! At first, I thought I had wasted my time agreeing to these consultations. Like, I’m not crazy. But now I realize how much had been buried inside me. All the grievances, claims, nostalgia for the past, feelings of guilt.
-You really have changed for the better. Let's drink to your transformation!
-With pleasure!
This evening flew by as always. And the funniest part – I, of course, didn’t stay silent as I had planned. We discussed everything from self-care, cosmetology, sports, men, psychologists, to everything in between!