(Day 30/122 of the experiment)
Yesterday was another day of realizations, or as it's fashionable to say now – insights. After a conversation with Susan, Lilia came to me, and I honestly shared my whole story with her, about my sister and my unsuccessful experiences in friendship. My friend supported me and said the words I had dreamt of hearing all my life. And I only heard them just now.
It turns out that you don't have to be super close with your relatives if your communication doesn't bring pleasure and joy. You can just occasionally make calls and be friends on social media. Undoubtedly, family is important. But if your parents didn't sow the right seeds and you've felt "alone in the field" all your life, then it makes sense not to focus on people who never truly became spiritually close to you. You need to create your own family and build sincere, trusting relationships there, based not just on blood ties, but on love and mutual understanding.
Lilia shared her story and admitted that she has a brother who emigrated to the USA a long time ago and severed all ties with the family. She misses him very much but understands that those relationships will never become brotherly or even friendly again.
By the way, after my conversation with the psychologist, I felt a sense of relief and allowed myself to NOT want to communicate with my sister. It was as if a stone had fallen from my shoulders. I had considered myself a bad sister all my life and thought there was no forgiveness for not calling Sofia. Now, I am one huge step closer to my happy life without psychological problems.
Text No. 8. Me and Writing
I studied journalism at university. Back then, I enjoyed the process of learning and writing articles, essays, descriptions of people and nature. But after finishing my studies, I decided that I needed a serious job that would bring money, and I would think about job satisfaction later. And that’s exactly what happened. I found a job that allows me to live better than a large percentage of the population in Ukraine, but it is morally exhausting.
Right after university, I was writing texts “for the drawer.” At home, I even have a folder with my texts – I remember, there I described my emotions in the first days of living with Rich, about my dates (if they can be called that) with Jensen, about my first days at work.
But with each passing week, the job wore me down more and more. At first, we were taught to sell Iren Shchastlyva’s courses, then we were taught to sell those very courses to those who had no intention of buying anything at all. After such an intensive program, we got down to actual work. I encountered clients who were anything but loyal.
During the first week of work, when I had already started calling clients, I cried and drank wine every evening. Then, the emotions dulled, and I just started drinking every evening. In this way, I numb the inner emptiness and dissatisfaction with my work.
When I moved to Pidhaitsi, I decided to write a post on Instagram. I don’t know why I felt like doing this, but I listened to my inner desire and wrote. I didn’t fit myself into any frameworks; I didn’t demand some super text. I just wrote what I wanted to share.
And people felt the sincerity of my words and began to subscribe to my blog. Every evening I write posts on Instagram and publish them, and I absolutely love it! I feel needed and that I am doing something right in this life – telling people how I am changing my life.
After the experiment is over, I think I will go back to journalism. One “but” – I need to find a job that will not only bring moral satisfaction but also money. Or even if I don’t change my official job, I won’t give up on Instagram – that’s for sure!
(Day 31/122 of the experiment)
Today marks the 31st day of the experiment! Thirty-one days I have been working on myself! With mistakes, with omissions, but I am doing it! I am truly getting closer to my dream – a Volvo S90. In the morning, while having breakfast, I was looking at what colors are available in showrooms. I hope May is already getting the money ready.
Under my last post on Instagram, I received a ton of congratulations for having already completed ¼ of the journey! And I was overwhelmed by such strange emotions – on one hand, I am happy that so much has been accomplished. On the other hand, I am a bit sad that time is passing so quickly. In just three months, I will have to return to my gray, uninteresting life. And even if I have a Volvo S90 (and I definitely will have that car!), I will still be living a dull, monotonous life and driving the Volvo S90 to the nearest supermarket for groceries.
I decided to discuss my turmoil with a psychologist. Why do I not want to return to my usual life, and most importantly – what should I do about it?
Text No. 9. Why do I want to get married?
All girls dream of getting married since childhood. They dream of a magnificent white dress with rhinestones and a bunch of guests. Until recently, I absolutely did not like dresses and wore them only for serious occasions. But I have always wanted to get married. I wanted to quickly sign the papers and fly off on my honeymoon. Ideally, to sign right on the island and run off to drink champagne with exotic fruits. Just like that.
Why do I want to get married? Because I am tired of carrying everything on my shoulders. Because I want a serious man by my side, who will not just embrace my existence but support and inspire me. I probably want children. But it will be harder with them than with Rich, right?
I want to feel my belonging to something warm and important. I want to feel like part of a family. My family is very good, and I love them dearly. But, how to say it, my parents live far away, my sister has had her own family for a long time, and I feel like a superfluous figure in their lives.
I want to be happy, to be loved, and I want to love myself.
The end of the story.