(Day 19/122 of the experiment)
Today is the penultimate day of my first 20-day challenge. And, I must admit, everything was going quite well until Tristan's news about his departure.
Having made a superhuman effort, I went out for a walk. Today, all the songs seemed dramatically sad. Where I once heard just a love story, I now felt almost physical pain from the performer whose boyfriend had left her.
I decided to walk in silence. I listened to the singing of the birds and decided to meditate in nature. Luckily, the weather was truly spring-like— the sun was shining, the temperature was comfortable, the birds were singing, and the trees were blooming. Spring was everywhere, except in my heart.
A half-hour walk gradually turned into a four-hour walking marathon. When I came back home, I realized that I had set my personal record, even two. Firstly, I walked 16 km, and secondly, I didn’t think about Tristan for a full four hours. For this, I rewarded myself with a glass of white wine, pasta of my own preparation, and a lecture by a psychologist on self-love.
(Day 20/122 of the experiment)
Today is the 20th day of the experiment. One-sixth of the entire time is behind me. What I have achieved by today – a somewhat better figure than on the first day, a more balanced diet that is periodically spoiled by alcohol and junk food at night, one broken heart, a heap of shattered hopes, two girlfriends, and two sports hobbies. At first glance, not everything is so bad.
Today I woke up to the alarm – at 6:30. I meditated, lightly jogged around the block, scratched Rich, had breakfast, and turned on a lecture about self-esteem. Tomorrow I will call Susan and arrange for psychological consultations – I need it now more than ever.
Max immediately noticed that I had spent the last few days in the company of alcohol and fast food. So at training, we focused on cardio workouts – to sweat out all the toxins.
After leaving the gym, I felt relief. I looked at myself in the huge mirror and realized that things really weren't that bad. I am a beautiful young woman. And if anyone is going to cry in our couple, it will definitely not be me.
My evening was spent watching a good French comedy and preparing healthy food. It seems that the period of “Tristan-I-miss-you-so-much” was slowly coming to an end.
“Psychology”
(Day 21/122 of the experiment)
The first two decades of the experiment are behind, but it's not time to relax. The most interesting part begins now (that’s sarcasm, just in case). I've always tried not to think about my psychological issues. Like — if you don’t think about it, then it doesn't exist. But if you take a close look at all the situations with men that have been in my life, one can say for sure — I can't do without a psychologist's help.
After my sports routine (I’ll talk about it less now — it will, of course, remain in my life, but the main focus will now be on ̶m̶y̶ ̶m̶a̶c̶h̶i̶n̶e̶ my moral state.
With trembling hands, I call Susan:
- Hello!
- Sveta, hi. This is Cinderella. Do you remember what we talked about last time?
- Um… Are you talking about psychological counseling or something else?
- Yes, yes, it’s about that. I would like to make an appointment with you, well, as a professional. To receive professional help. Because I feel like I need, well, this…
- A psychologist?
- Yeah.
- Cinderella, why are you embarrassed? It's normal, and all over the world, adults periodically, and some even regularly, go to psychologists. Because the world is very fast, we are all busy, everyone has work, family, problems, and it’s impossible to sort it all out on your own.
- I understand. But I don't want to admit that I've lost my mind.
- When you lose your mind, I'll sign you up for a psychotherapist. A psychologist is needed just to sort out some stressful situations and to process psychological traumas.
- Oh, well, enough of your terms. – With each reply, I feel more and more abnormal.
- Cinderella, we can meet tomorrow. What do you say?
- Any time works for me. Tomorrow I have stretching training, but there are morning groups, daytime ones, and even two evening groups.
- Great. Then by tomorrow, write down everything that's bothering you in your life. Absolutely everything. Who and what you're upset with, what you don’t like in life, what you would like to change, and what you want from life.
- Deal. Thank you very much, and see you tomorrow!
I postponed the task from Sveta as long as I could. I worked out, cooked, tidied up the house, scratched Richard for 20 minutes, read a book. But I realized that I still had to analyze my life and write a long list of everything that doesn’t suit me. I decided to write down 10-12 points today and finish tomorrow — just in time for my meeting with Susan, and today I’ll also spend some time reading a self-development book.
So, a brief analysis of Cinderella Bortnik's life:
I don’t like that there’s no good man in my life. There never has been — I grew up with my grandmother while my parents worked abroad.
I don't like that I work a job I don’t love, even though it has a decent salary.
I want to set goals in life and strive toward them, not just live as I do now — to eat and drink.
I don’t like my appearance — I look somewhat unattractive.
I don’t love myself and consider myself a bad person.
I have no friends. Lilia and Susan impress me a lot as people, but I’m afraid that sooner or later they will betray me.
I have a sister, but we hardly communicate. I’ve forgotten when was the last time I saw her. Our maximum is to "friend" on Facebook and Instagram.
I realized that I like to write. That’s why I have a blog on Instagram.
I want to get married.
I want to follow through on things, not leave them halfway.
That’s it, I feel like I’ve taken my brain out and shaken it, like bartenders shake cocktails. I’ll continue my list of problems tomorrow.
I lay down in bed, but I can't fall asleep. Why is my life so unhappy? Am I the only loser, or is it normal to be dissatisfied with everything and everyone? And I also feel terribly lonely and unwanted. Richard snuggled up to me and even purred, but it only made things slightly better.
(Day 17/122 of the experiment)
In four days, Tristan will get on a plane and leave my life forever. He will have successful female colleagues there, with businesses, goals, and achievements. And I bet that more than half of them are unmarried. Why? They didn’t have time to get married – first, they studied at university, then built their own businesses, increased their profits, and now they’ve come to this business school to learn.
Or maybe some woman will manage to get pregnant by Tristan. And that would be it, my train will definitely leave. And I will just sit on cold winter evenings, eating takeout pizza, petting Richard, and drinking beer. Oh, and selling courses by Iren Cheery.
Today, I also have no desire to do sports or go for a run. And although the weather is sunny and warm, my soul is in a prolonged autumn – wrapped in sadness and a broken heart.
To not sit at home all day, I went grocery shopping for the week – I cleared my head and did something useful. However, for some reason, my healthy food list ended up including chips, champagne, chocolate (albeit dark), and sushi. My plans for the evening were the same as yesterday – food, alcohol, a series, and a cat.
I went to bed at four in the morning – for some reason, I couldn't sleep earlier at all. Maybe it was the two-hour hysteria of "I’m-not-needed-by-Tristan"? Nah, it’s just nonsense.
(Day 18/122 of the experiment)
Good "morning" started at two o'clock in the afternoon. I was awakened by a phone call. Max...
-Hello, do you hear me? Did you forget something?
-I don't know, what?
-That I've been waiting for you for two days now, and you seem to have completely forgotten about training and common decency. Neither a call nor a message. I'm starting to think something might have happened? Lilia says you haven't called her either these days. How are you?
-Oh, Max, something happened. Something terrible.
-What is it? Don't scare me.
-The man of my dreams is flying all the way to London for two months. Do you understand?! There he will find himself a girl, and I won't be needed. Max, do you understand that?
-And do you understand that you are a young, beautiful, ambitious, and awesome woman? Do you understand? And that there are four billion men in the world. And among them, there is surely someone better than this overseas one.
-That's not true. I need only him.
-Right, we will discuss everything in person. When should I expect you in the gym? Your figure is not to blame for your foolish thoughts.
-Not today for sure.
-Tomorrow?
-No, Max, I can't go for now.
-Cinderella, then I will take Lilia, and we will drag you to the gym for training by force. Silly thoughts can only be driven out with physical exercise. So when will you come to the gym?
-The day after tomorrow. I promise.
-Good. And don't drown your sorrows too much there.
The conversation with the trainer cheered me up a bit. I really realized that not everything is lost yet. But then I went to Tristan's profile on Facebook and confirmed to myself – this man is out of my league.