I sat on my chair in my office, shut out from the rest of the world while I worked on my papers.
It has been working here on out since I got back from the hotel days ago. Esther had yelled at me but I was numb.
He had gone abroad to get away from me, that was the only thing that stuck in my head and no matter how much I tried to get it off, it didn't go away.
It can be a disorienting experience when someone you know suddenly disappears without a trace.
This seems to be the case with Killian, who has seemingly erased all evidence of his existence in my life, save for the massage parlor he had given me.
He didn't call or text nor did he send word to me to let me know he was alive. I couldn't reach him either.
He had left me confused wondering if we were done or just taking a hiatus. I needed to know before I went crazy just thinking about it.
It was impossible to say for sure what may have happened to Killian. It's possible that he simply wanted to move on from me, but it's also possible that something might have happened to him.
I was confused, hurt, and angry and u found myself wondering if there was something I would have done differently to prevent this from happening.
It was natural for me to feel angry even when I wanted a break but I never expected him to go first.
It's been days since I last returned to the villa he left me. The place that once felt like home now felt empty and lonely.
I couldn't bring myself to be in that space anymore, not after everything that had happened.
Instead, I found myself spending more and more nights at the massage parlor.
I knew it wasn't the best place to be, but it provided me with a temporary escape from reality.
The dimly lit rooms and soothing music helped me forget about all the pain and heartache that had been consuming me.
I tried to convince myself that I was just going through a phase and that I would eventually find my way back to a normal life. But deep down, I knew that wasn't the case.
I was addicted to him. Even though he had left me, I couldn't let him go. I missed the way he made me feel, the way he looked at me, the way he held me close.
But at the same time, I was scared. Scared that if I got too close to him again, he would ruin me but at the same time, I panicked when I thought about losing him.
It was a constant battle within myself, the desire to be with him and the fear of what that might mean.
I knew I needed to make a decision soon, to either cut him out of my life completely or risk everything and be with him again.
But for now, I found solace in the massage parlor, in the temporary relief it provided from my troubled mind.
I threw myself into work day and night, never giving myself a break to think about him yet the thoughts of him kept creeping into my head.
Like a virus outbreak that couldn't be controlled or contained.
I needed him to come back, I wasn't happy with the distance or space between us.
Diana approached me, not bothered by Killian's threat to stay away from me.
I applauded her bravery, I would have folded if I was her.
I needed her company more than ever right now, I was hurting inside and I had no idea what to do.
I shared my thoughts with her, about how hard it was for me to let go and hold on at the same time.
She listened to me, never judging me. She was in the same situation except she had accepted her man for who he was but Zack wasn't a killer.
Killian was and that scared me to bits.
"What do you think?" I asked when I finished pouring everything out.
"Killian is very dangerous, I would stay away from him if I were you." she had advised.
A smart woman would have done so, I heard what he did and he confirmed it himself.
But I wasn't smart, if I was into the kind of things he was into maybe I wouldn't be so scared of being with him.
I wasn't a masochist, I couldn't stomach half of the things Diana would stomach, she was much stronger than I was.
Someone out there loves him the way he is but I was so terrified of his murderous side. The more dangerous he was, the more attractive Killian was to them.
I didn't understand the ideology behind it, the conversation I had with Diana quickly drifted into my head.
"What if he was acting in self-defense?" I had asked her.
She shook her head at me, probably thinking of how stupid I was being. "What if he murders you?" she asked instead.
I shuddered thinking about it before I glared at her, "Not helping."
"I am not here to make excuses for him? You don't belong in our world, Cataliya. All this might seem strange to you but it is completely normal in the club."
"You mean..."
"Yes, a lot of women want Killian the way he is, maybe if he became more dangerous. You are scared of him, others want to give birth to his babies," she said.
My face changed immediately, I didn't want to think of Killian having babies with someone else but me.
It was stupid to think of but I couldn't help myself. Diana saw my face and hers softened.
"I am sorry I have to put it that way but it is what it is."
"I understand."
The conversation helped me put my thoughts in order and helped me narrow them down.