Athena
My tears were not willing to stop. The burning feeling in my heart did not recede even for the absolute smallest amount at its finest. The torments that they put me through when they were alive did not bother me as much as now, after their death.
I felt so lost. As if there was a big weight hanging over my shoulder, trying to drag me into the ground and let me out again.
They were dead but those memories weren't.
My whole life all I saw got was pain and misery. Never, even for once, I got the chance to smile. It was debatable whether there had been any moments that I had, where I truly felt any sparks of happiness—Maybe, the first and last time was the day when I saw Sebastian for the first time before it all vanished into nothing.
There was only one question I found myself asking to this date...
Why me?
Why it was me against the world? Why it was me who needed to go through all of this pain that broke me, left me so shattered that finding a way to mend myself once again was nearly impossible.
I was so tired of fighting.
Everything was too much to handle—My thought, Sebastian's words repeating inside of my head in a loop, the rise of my heartbeats. It was all just too much.
Would it all end if I die? Would I find peace or would I regret my decision?
I did not know. Like all the unanswered questions that remained somewhere in my head, I did not have the answer to this one too.
I felt being trapped in a fishbowl. There was no way out for me, whenever I thought maybe this would be the end, I was faced with defeat every time.
All I wanted to find was happiness, it was not too much to ask, was it? Neither was it luxury, nor something impossible to obtain. But why in my life it appeared to be the rarest and toughest thing to find?
I wiped my tears for the umpteenth time. I felt so weak and pathetic.
Maybe, what Sebastian said was true— Emotions are the reason for our weakness. They destroy us, ruin us to the point of no return.
But.... they are what keep us alive.
What could I choose? Between living like this where I can only find pain and suffering or choosing to live as the one who can feel nothing, not pleasure, not pain, not any speck of any other feeling, and in short, exist as a living dead?
Maybe it was true, Death was easier than living.
I got off the bed and walked into the shower. This was the second time I was taking a shower. No matter how much I washed myself and scrubbed my skin, for me it felt like my parents' blood was still there on my skin.
Sebastian has only put them on my face but, my entire body felt tainted with dirt.
I hated them. Yes, they were dead now but my hatred for them had not receded for a bit. But the fact that I was responsible for two lives being taken today was not settling in. It all just added to the mix.
They deserved to die. Not everyone deserved a so-called second chance that they blew away most of the time.
And what could even be the chance for such two people who can lose every drop the morality for their own profits?
I faced the shower wall, raising my head and letting the water hit my face and the rest of my body, hoping this would help in washing away each of those awful feelings that made my skin crawl with shame and disgust.
I felt pathetic and weak; There was no denying that I was weak but when did I ever get the chance to heal myself for the better? I was damaged every bloody time I tried to recover.
The cold water glided down my skin causing chills to run down my body. My heart was beating so fast that I could feel it thundering against my skin, behind my closed eyelids there were flashes of the most terrible recollections of my entire life and except for the sound of the water running in the shower, there was something that screamed my helplessness to me and reminded me again and again of my flaws.
The first sob left my mouth and my knees were ready to give up at any time. I covered my mouth behind my hand trying to stop myself from crying, but no gain. I did not have any control over myself whatsoever.
Just when I was on the verge of letting myself fall into overwhelming exhaustion, a hand slid around my waist and stopped me from falling to the floor. I felt myself being pulled into a warm embrace.
His scent wafted into my nose, my back pressed against his solid chest, and he rested his chin on my shoulder as he dragged me even closer.
I did not want to be near him. I just wanted to be alone, by myself.
My sobs went louder and I began trying to get myself out of his hold but all my efforts went in vain. He was unwilling to let me go.
I desperately tried to get away from him, peeling his hands away from around me.
"Shh.." He whispered into my ear, "Calm down."
"Leave me alone, Sebastian," I cried, "Please."
"No," He held me tighter, his tone utterly gentle than usual.
I tried for a few minutes to push him away before the defeat poured all over me and I gave up. My body leaned against his on its own, accepting the support and comfort from him.
Some seconds passed in silence, my heavy breathing began following the unrushed pace of his one, and my heartbeats seemed to adapt to the rhythm of his calm steady heartbeats I could feel.
"I am weak, pathetic, a fucking coward," I wept, "I should not stay alive."
"Everyone in this world is a coward at some point. There are times when everyone is weak and pathetic," He spoke, his voice void of any sentiments, "It's how life is ."
"Then I don't want to stay alive, you hate me anyways. Why don't you just kill me and end this?"
He did not say anything and for the next few moments, none of us did. A hush fell between us but for once, this silence did not feel uncomfortable or suffocating.
He was there, but something felt different. He was not there as the Sebastian I knew. His gentle hold, calm and quiet behaviour and a strange warmth that I could feel permeating into my skin through his— Told me a different story.
Then, he slowly turned me around to face him. His hold on me was firm and protective which felt like a commitment.
"You'll live, Athena," He spoke, bringing his right hand to cup my cheek as he looked deep into my eyes with his beautiful blue ones that shined like crystals, "I want you with me during every breath I take, every step I take, I want you there. You can't go away from me. Not in this life, not in the next one and in every fucking life I get, I want you there."
I was unable to say anything.
There was no rage or demand. It looked what he said came from his heart, the same heart that was cold as stone.
Was this the same Sebastian I knew?
His thumb brushed over my cheek ever so slightly and my eyes closed on their own. The water had not managed to soothe me as much as his touch did, it worked like magic.
Slowly my body relaxed on its own and then I felt his lips landing a kiss at the corner of my mouth which made my eyes flutter open, he leisurely placed another kiss but this time at the other side of my mouth. He moved to look at me once again, we were too close, I could feel every muscle of his body against my skin and it just added to the burning need to be even closer.
"You are mine." He murmured against my lips before he finally pressed his lips against them.
My eyes closed shut and I clutched onto the damp collar of his shirt as he devoured my lips and mouth. It was nothing like his rough, restless kisses. He was gentle, the kiss was soft and slow. It seemed like he thought I was a doll and that the slightest harsh movements could break me.
That was it. With that one kiss, he swept me off of my feet and turned my entire world upside down. The cold water from the shower constantly poured on us but soon the temperature seemed to increase ten times than prior.
Desires crawled up my walls.
Temporary, but I found an escape from my pain and those terrible thoughts that rassled inside of my head.
He broke the kiss and moved his mouth lower, leaving his leech-like kisses from my neck to my collarbone. A soft moan slipped past my lips and he pressed me against the shower wall. I tangled my fingers into his hair and grabbed onto his shoulder to find some sort of balance.
His lips found their way to mine once again and this time they collided with more hunger than ever yet there was no roughness in that kiss at all.
His hands moved back to unzip my dress and slide it down my body, not even for once stopping kissing me. My undergarments were the next things that he got off of me.
His hand moved to cup my breast and he squeezed it, caressing my body as he slid it down to my moistened bottom. He stroked my folds causing a moan to slip past my lips that got suppressed by his mouth on me.
After being done assaulting my lips, he pulled away but only to look at me properly.
His eyes travelled from my feet to my face where they decided to stay for the longest time. He looked astonished as if he was seeing me for the first time...or maybe, he was— This was the first time he ever looked at me this way.
But how could he like me? My body was full of scars and marks that'd never go away. I was imperfect, even though all these marks were given by him but I was the one who was bearing those.
My insecurities reached their peak as well as a feeling of resonant shame, and this made me look away.
However, Sebastian put his index finger under my chin and titled my face so that I was facing him once again.
"You have nothing to feel ashamed of," He spoke as a matter of fact and his other hand moved to brush on the skin below my breast, right where his mark was carved on my skin.
Unexpectedly, I did not feel disgusted. The memories did not circle my mind in a loop.
I closed my eyes shut, fireworks exploded in my lower abdomen. I felt intoxicated. My lids opened themselves when Sebastian withdrew his hand.
I saw him unbuttoning his shirt ever so slowly, looking directly into my gaze. Heat spread all over my body, the cold water running did not help any more, however, the one who can help was right in front of me.
He discarded his wet shirt, letting it land on the floor and moved to his pant; He effortlessly got out of his pants and boxers.
I had to hold my breath because of the sight of him. He was an incredibly gorgeous specimen. Every muscle of his body, the texture of his skin and the contrast, his stunning facial structures— The more I looked at him the more I seemed to melt on the spot.
As he walked closer, his length poked at my inner thigh causing my nervousness to spike up.
There was always more pain than pleasure in every encounter with him.
So, Was I willing to go through this all again?
He grabbed my jaw and looked at me, his expression serious yet somehow not intimidating me, "Do you want this?"
This was the first time he ever asked for my consent and I....gave in.
"Yes."