Chapter Three
*Regrets in the end,
your character to bend,
a better you, the heavens intend.*
REEVE wanted to laugh like a mad man. Paano niya naisip na madali lang ang maging isang magulang? He used to say to his colleagues that he enjoyed fatherhood, when in fact, he was yet to experience the biggest part of it.
Ang akala niya, as long as he was a faithful husband, a hardworking man and a good provider, he was already considered a good father. He thought that fatherhood was only having to provide all of your family’s needs. Alam niyang mahal niya ang asawa at mga anak. He had a lot of their pictures framed in his office—in corners, hanging on every wall, on his desk, shelf, and even inside his private room.
Pero minsan pala, kahit totoo ang damdamin at kaya mong ipakita sa ibang tao, nakakalimutan mong patunayan iyon sa mismong minamahal mo.
“I don’t want to go to school! I wasn’t able to study for my quiz!” Rainiel whined. “Daddy wasn’t able to help me because of you!”
“S-sorry, Kuya…” hikbi ni Riana hanggang sa tuluyan nang umiyak. “Please, go to school with me…”
“No! Gusto mo ikaw lang ang pinapansin ni Daddy! Bida-bida!”
“Daddy!!!” Adam cried, starving for some milk. “Daddy!!!”
Napangiwi si Reeve nang mas umingay dahil sumabay na ang matinis na pag-iyak ng bunsong si Rade. Gutom na rin.
Mas binilisan niya ang pagkilos sa kusina. Damn, this was way harder than managing his hotels! Kailangan niya ng higit pa sa dalawang kamay at dalawang paa—o higit pa sa isang katawan!
Nagawa lang lagpasan ni Reeve ang unang araw niya kahapon kasama ang mga anak dahil dumating ang ama at biyenan niya eksaktong nagkakagulo ang mga bata. Pinuntahan siya ng mga ito para may ikonsulta sa kanya tungkol sa mga hotel.
Daddy Philip took care of Adam and Rade who were fighting over some toys. Kinausap naman ng kanyang papa si Rainiel na masama ang loob dahil hindi niya agad natulungan sa assignment nito. Inalo naman niya si Riana mula sa pang-aaway ng kuya nito.
Of all his children, si Riana ang pinakamadaling kausap. Wala siyang sakit ng ulo sa anak na babae. Riana was… she was like his wife Agatha. Kaya siguro mabilis niyang nakabisa ang anak. Riana’s personality, her attitude, her way of thinking, she got it all from her mother.
Akala niya ay hindi na mauulit ang ganoong tagpo. Pero ngayon, sa pangalawang araw niya ay naulit na naman ang lahat.
“Be more patient with them, Reeve. They’re kids. Normal ang pag-aaway at walang katapusang pag-iyak,” his father-in-law said. “Hindi ko lang naranasan kina Johann at Agatha dahil magkahiwalay naman silang lumaki. Pero marami akong kapatid na babae. I know how sibling rivalries can get.”
“Know your children first, Reeve,” sabi naman ng kanyang papa. “Para makuha mo ang loob nila, alamin mo ang mga gusto nila, hulihin mo ang mga kiliti. By then, you can control them.”
“Kuya Rainiel… pasok ka na sa school with me,” Riana begged.
“No!” narinig niyang sigaw ng panganay. “Once Mommy gets home, isusumbong kita!
“Milk! Milk!” palahaw na ni Adam. It was followed by Rade’s loud baby cry.
It was six thirty in the morning and the noise was just too much to handle for Reeve. Nagtatagis ang mga bagang niya sa ingay ng mga anak. But he shouldn’t get annoyed. Siya naman ang naglagay ng sarili sa sitwasyong iyon.
Natapos ang pag-iinit niya ng gatas nina Adam at Rade. Katatapos lang ding maluto ang inihanda niyang almusal para kina Rainiel at Riana.
Pumikit muna si Reeve bago lumabas ng kusina. Mahigpit na mahigpit ang pagkakakuyom ng kanyang mga kamay. He was irritated. At ayaw niyang mapagbuntunan ng galit ang mga anak.
Kasisimula pa lang ng araw pero nahahapo nang isinandal niya ang katawan sa island counter. He closed his eyes and tried to silence out the noise of his children.
“Oh, sweetheart…” he muttered. He imagined Agatha’s beautiful face and gentle smile.
Malinaw na malinaw sa diwa niya kung paano mamungay at kumislap ang mga mata ng asawa. Pati na ang dahan-dahang pagguhit ng ngiti sa mga labi nitong tanging nakapagbibigay sa kanya ng halik na lagi niyang kinababaliwan.
Reeve’s heart clenched as he could also imagine Agatha’s soft laughter whenever he whispered sweet nothings and sexy things to her. Huminga siya nang malalim. Nawala na ang iritasyon niya pero hindi rin siya kumalma dahil sa tindi ng pangungulilang nararamdaman para sa asawa.
But he couldn’t stay longer in the kitchen. Bumalik na sa pandinig niya ang mga iyak ng anak. Kinuha niya ang dalawang bote ng maligamgam na gatas gamit ang isang kamay habang ang isa pa ay buhat ang tray kung saan nakalagay ang almusal.
He quietly entered the dining area. Patuloy pa rin sina Rainiel at Riana sa pagtatalo. Adam and Rade were still crying.
Maingat niyang ibinaba sa mesa ang almusal.
“Don’t go to school if you don’t want to, Rainiel,” he said using his calm yet cold voice. “Riana, stop talking to your brother. He won’t listen to you.”
Natigil ang dalawa.
Nilapitan niya si Adam at iniabot dito ang bote ng gatas. Bigla itong tumigil sa pag-iyak. He hastily sucked on his feeding bottle. “Sorry, little boy.” Reeve gently wiped away his tears. Pagkatapos ay nagpunta siya sa sala kung saan naroon ang crib ni Rade. Nakatayo na ang kanyang anak habang nakahawak sa dulo ng crib, pilit na pinapahaba ang mga braso sa direksiyon niya.
He carried his son and started to feed him milk from the bottle. k atulad ni Adam, natigil din ito sa pag-iyak nang makainom na ng gatas. Hinawakan ng maliliit nitong kamay ang bote.
Tumahimik na ang buong paligid.
Buhat pa rin si Rade, bumalik si Reeve sa dining area at nakitang tahimik na kumakain sina Rainiel at Riana. Abala pa rin si Adam sa pag-ubos ng gatas nito.
He pulled Adam’s high chair using one hand. Huminto siya sa kabisera. Itinabi niya roon ang high chair. Umupo siya at pinanood ang mga anak.
Somehow, he felt he had accomplished something. But he knew it was not yet the best he could do. It was silent, yet not peaceful.
Nakasimangot si Rainiel habang kumakain. Sumisinghot-singhot naman si Riana. Two-year-old Adam looked like he did not care. Nakatitig lang ito sa bote ng gatas na iniinom. Ganoon din si Rade.
Napabuntong-hininga si Reeve. Mahal na mahal niya si Agatha at nadagdagan pa ang paghanga siya sa asawa dahil nagagawa nitong pagsilbihan ang kanilang mga anak nang walang nangyayaring gulo.
O minsan ay mayroon pero hindi lang niya alam dahil masyado siyang tutok sa trabaho? When did he stop having breakfast with his wife and children just to attend early appointments at work?
An emotion was stinging Reeve’s eyes. But he held it back. He couldn’t cry in front of his children.
Tumikhim siya. “I’m sorry that Mommy’s not home yet,” bigla na lang niyang nasabi.
Napatingin sa kanya ang mga anak.
“It’s hard, right? It’s hard for all of us. We all miss Mommy.” Reeve tried to smile at his children. “But I’m here. Here to stay with you. I’m not replacing Mommy. I’m helping her, plus I want to be with you,” he sincerely said to his kids, kahit hindi pa siya maintindihan nina Adam at Rade. “Can you help me too?” he asked them. “Because Daddy only knows how to run hotels and other businesses. But I… I don’t know how to be with you, kids,” pag-amin niyang nagdulot ng kirot sa sariling dibdib. “Please help Daddy inside our house. Tell me what Mommy would do when I wasn’t around before. Tell me if you like something or not.”
“I’ll help you, Daddy,” Riana said sweetly, smiling at him.
He smiled back. “Thank you, darling.”
Tumayo si Rainiel. Ubos na nito ang pagkain. “I’m gonna get ready for school.”
“Oh. I thought you weren’t going to school today?” tanong ni Reeve pero natutuwa siya. Rainiel did not want to give him a hard time. Was this his way of saying he would help him too?
Lumabi lang ito at bumaling kay Riana. “You, hurry.”
“Yes, Kuya!” Mabilis na inubos nito ang pagkain at pagkatapos ay sabay na umakyat ang dalawa ng hagdan.
Ubos na ni Adam ang gatas nito. Reeve gave him a bowl of fresh fruits. Napangiti ito at agad na kumain niyon. “Fruits! Yum!”
Nang maubos na rin ni Rade ang iniinom na gatas ay naghikab ito. Rade’s little hand touched his hand and he was uttering something he couldn’t understand.
“What do you want Daddy to do?” tanong niya.
“Rub tummy!” Si Adam ang sumagot. “Rub!” Ipinatong pa ang kamay niya sa tiyan nito. “Mommy, rub! Rub tummy, here, here!”
Oh! Napangiti si Reeve at masuyong hinalikan sa bumbunan si Adam. “Thanks for the help, little pal.”
Bumaling siya kay Rade at marahang hinaplos paikot ang kamay sa tiyan nito. Rade giggled. Then he yawned.
Iyon ba ang ginagawa ni Agatha sa kanilang mga anak pagkatapos kumain? He should take note of this.
Nakatulog si Rade pagkatapos na makadighay. Reeve gently put him down inside the crib, then kissed his forehead. Si Adam naman ay naubos na rin ang kinakain. Binuhat niya ito paalis ng high chair. Pagkatapos ay ginawa rin niya ang paghaplos sa tiyan nito. Adam clung to his neck.
Bigla niyang naalala na may dalawang anak pa nga pala siya sa itaas. Umakyat siya sa kuwarto ni Rainiel habang buhat pa rin si Adam. Pagbukas niya ng pinto ay nakaligo na si Rainiel at nagsusuot na ng uniform.
“You need any help, champ?”
Umiling ito. “I’m okay, Daddy.”
“All right. Call me if you need help.” Sumunod na pinuntahan niya si Riana.
Hindi pa rin ito nakakaligo. Naalala niyang hindi pa ito marunong maligo nang mag-isa.
“Darling, let Daddy help you take a bath. I’m the only boy who’s allowed to do that, Grandma said,” masuyong sabi niya sa anak.
“But Mommy said…”
Ibinaba niya si Adam sa crib nito na nasa kuwarto talaga ni Riana nakalagay. Agad namang nakakita si Adam ng paglalaruan.
“It’s okay, darling. Mommy will surely approve too. Basta si Daddy lang ang puwedeng magpaligo sa `yo until you’re old enough to take a bath on your own. Only Daddy until you’re seven. No other boys until… ahm, you’re thirty. You understand?”
“Okay, Daddy.” Tumango na rin si Riana at humawak sa kamay niya. Pumasok sila sa banyo at mabilis niya itong napaliguan. Tinulungan din niya itong makapagsuot ng uniform pagkatapos.
Rainiel and Riana were both ready when his mother came to pick them up.
“Thank you so much, Mama…” bulong ni Reeve sa ina habang pinasasakay sa kotse ang mga anak.
“Hindi ka ba nahirapan sa breakfast nila?”
“There was a little chaos. But I guess I can manage. I just have to focus.”
“Your father called me last night. Nasabi niya sa akin ang nadatnan nila ni Philip nang puntahan ka kahapon.”
Napabuga ng hangin si Reeve. “Nakakataranta pala kapag sabay-sabay silang umiiyak. I didn’t know what to do at first.”
“Grandma! We’re going to be late for school!” Rainiel said loudly.
“Just a little tip,” nakangiting sabi sa kanya ng ina. “You must have figured out that Riana is just like Agatha.”
“Yes. She’s an angel. Easy to talk with. Obedient.”
Tumango ang kanyang mama. “And Rainiel is like you. An achiever and can be a little hardheaded.”
“Damn! I knew it.” Pangalawang araw pa lang pero napansin na nga niya iyon sa kanyang panganay.
Kinindatan siya ng kanyang mama. “Adam is closer to Riana. He follows everything that Riana does. Rade wants to be carried, hugged, kissed, touched… He’s an affectionate baby. Actually, they all are. You’ll master how to handle them, anak. You just have to divide your time well.”
“WHEN does Mommy clean the house?” Reeve asked Riana after school. Kasama niya ito sa kusina para maghanda ng tanghalian.
“Every day, Daddy,” she answered. “She cleans the kitchen, the bathroom and our rooms while we’re in school. And in the afternoon, when Adam and Rade are asleep, she cleans the living room, the library, her piano and your room.”
“She washes the dishes as well?”
“Yes! She uses the dishwasher. She also puts Adam and Rade’s bottles in the bottle ster … stera … s-steralizer… ”
“Bottle sterilizer. I see. And the laundry?”
“We take the laundry to the laundry shop outside the village every Saturday, Daddy. Kasi hindi puwedeng maglaba si Mommy. She gets boo-boos in her hands.”
Right. Allergic ang balat ng kanyang asawa sa detergent soaps and powders. Oo nga pala. Bagong kasal pa lang sila ay nasabi na nito iyon sa kanya. And ever since, she dropped their clothes in a laundry shop. Kung hindi naman ay nagpapalaba ito sa mga kasambahay sa bahay ng mga magulang.
Remembering Agatha brought pain inside Reeve’s chest. Eight months without her was more than hell. Sanay na sa galit niya ang mga kinuhang imbestigador tuwing walang magandang report ang mga ito. Walang puwedeng magbanggit sa posibilidad na baka patay na si Agatha, nahulog kung saan sa gubat ang katawan, at posibleng mga hayop na ang nakinabang.
No! He refused to believe that shit. Agatha was too precious to just die that way. And she was not dead! Reeve always had this strong feeling that she was still alive somewhere. He would hold on to that. Hangga’t walang katawan na nakikita, hindi siya maniniwalang patay na ang asawa.
Maibabalik niya sa kanyang mga anak ang ina ng mga ito. Babawi siya sa kanyang mag-iina. Babawi siya sa kanyang asawa. Kaya buhay pa ito.
“Daddy?”
Napakurap si Reeve at napayuko kay Riana. “I’m sorry. You were saying…?”
“I just miss Mommy. Ang haba na ng vacation niya, Daddy. She also hasn’t called. Wala bang phone sa pinuntahan ni Mommy? Walang signal?”
Humugot si Reeve ng malalim na hininga. Sana nga ganoon na lang ang rason para isipin niyang kaya hindi pa nakakahingi sa kanila ng tulong si Agatha ay dahil wala itong magamit o hindi alam kung paano.
“Mommy will be home soon, all right? I promise you that.”
Natapos ni Reeve ang pagluluto ng sinigang na baboy. Mabuti na lang at natatandaan pa niya ang mga itinuro sa kanya ni Agatha noon. His wife’s first degree was HRM. Natuto itong magluto ng lahat ng klase ng ulam at magtimpla ng kung ano-anong drinks dahil bahagi iyon ng kursong una nitong natapos.
“Mmm!” Riana deliciously uttered when she tasted the sinigang’s soup. “Two thumbs-up, Daddy!”
Natuwa naman si Reeve. At least, his return to cooking was approved for his daughter.
Nakapaghain na siya nang dumating si Rainiel at ang kanyang mama. Sabay-sabay silang nakakain ng tanghalian nang matiwasay. When Reeve’s mother left, inihanda na niya ang sarili kung sakaling maulit ang nangyari kahapon sa mga anak.
But everything went well so far. He helped Riana with her homeworks. Hindi nagpaturo si Rainiel. Kaya na raw nito. Adam peacefully shared his toys with Rade.
Will you look at that? Napangiti si Reeve. His children were helping him.
A WEEK of staying with his children was messy, chaotic and all the time annoying. But Reeve found himself feeling fulfilled every time he was able to manage his children.
Isa pa, kahit paano ay nababawasan ang pag-iisip niya lagi sa asawa. It was not that he wanted to forget but it somehow lessened the pain of longing in his chest. Noong mga unang buwan na nawawala si Agatha ay nilulunod niya ang sarili sa trabaho, and he was always mad, restless, and crying.
He still cried at night. Pero agad din siyang nakakatulog, dala siguro ng pagod sa pag-aalaga sa mga anak buong araw. Idagdag pang pinag-aaralan din niyang malinis ang buong bahay habang binabantayan ang mga anak.
“Sweetheart…” he whispered while looking at his wife’s framed photo. Agatha was wearing a blue maxi dress and wide-brimmed hat in the photo. Bahagya itong nakatingala at nakangiti habang nakatutok ang mga mata sa camera. It was taken during their fourth anniversary in Bohol.
“That’s showing off a lot of skin, sweetheart,” magkasalubong ang mga kilay na saway ni Reeve sa asawa. Hanggang paa nga ang haba ng suot ni Agatha pero spaghetti-strapped naman iyon at masyadong mababa ang nekline.
“Pero hindi ako puwedeng mag-jacket dito sa beach, Reeve,” nakatawang sabi ni Agatha.
“Tsk. That’s not what I mean. Look, assholes are staring at you.”
She chuckled. Yumapos ang mga braso nito sa kanyanag leeg and she pressed her soft breasts against his chest. “Hanggang tingin lang naman sila. It’s only you who can rightfully hold me.”
“And touch you.”
Tumango ito. “All over, Reeve. All over.”
Nakagat niya ang ibabang labi dahil sa kapilyahang kumislap sa mga mata ng asawa.
Agatha was a silent temptress. She looked very gentle and innocent on the outside—which she really was. But the other side of her was very playful, passionate and outstandingly natural in bed. He was so in love with her that he kept on falling. On and on and on… just with her. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin siya makapaniwala na ibinigay ng Diyos sa isang katulad niya ang isang katulad ni Agatha. Sometimes, it still got him thinking if he truly deserved her because obviously, she did not deserve him in many ways.
“Reeve, are you still there?”
Napangiti siya. Yumuko siya at masuyong hinuli ang mga labi ng asawa. “I will be wherever you are, sweetheart. Kung nasaan ka, nandoon ako. Kapag naman hindi mo `ko kasama, siguradong ikaw ang iniisip ko. Saka lagi kang tinatawag ng puso ko.” Damn, that sounded too cheesy.
“Really? How?”
“Sweetheart…” masuyong tawag niya. “Sweetheart…” ulit pa niya. “Like that, Agatha. Chances are you can hear me calling when I really miss you.”
Humagikgik ito. “Maririnig kita kahit gaano pa ako kalayo?”
“We are connected wherever you go, sweetheart.”
“We are connected by Jesus, Reeve. Sige, maniniwala akong maririnig kong tinatawag mo `ko dahil dadalhin iyon ng hangin ng Diyos sa akin.”
“Right.” Hinapit niya si Agatha sa baywang at hinuli uli ang mga labi nito. Nang hindi na siya makontento sa halik lang ay pinangko na niya ang asawa pabalik sa kanilang hotel room…
Lumabas si Reeve ng kuwarto at pinuntahan ang mga anak. He checked Rainiel in his room. Mahimbing na itong natutulog.
Maingat siyang pumasok at hinalikan ang anak sa noo. Ganoon din ang ginawa niya kina Riana at Adam nang pumunta siya sa kabilang kuwarto. Ang crib ni Rade ay nasa kuwarto naman niya at kanina pa niya napatulog ang anak.
Nang wala nang kailangang gawin ay humiga si Reeve sa kama. Ibinalik na niya ang framed picture ni Agatha sa ibabaw ng bedside table.
“Sweetheart…” pabulong na tawag niya sa asawa. Then he just started crying.
Naririnig ba ni Agatha ang pagtawag niya? Posible bang naririnig din nito pati ang kanyang pagsisisi at pangungulila sa bawat pagluha niya?