Chapter Twenty
*In the middle of life,
in the midst of love,
we are between the war within.*
“WE’RE home!” Riana shouted with glee and ran towards her dolls in the living room.
“I’m going to my room. I have to prepare my things for soccer tomorrow,” Rainiel said and hastily went up the stairs.
Pumasok si Reeve habang buhat si Adam. Nilingon niya si Agatha na inililibot pa ang tingin sa buong bahay nila.
This was where they spent their early marriage life and started to build their family. Regalo iyon sa kanila ng kanyang mga magulang at nasaksihan ng bahay na iyon ang lahat-lahat sa buhay nila.
“Come inside.” Maingat niyang hinawakan ang malambot nitong kamay at hinila ito papasok sa bahay.
Agatha looked in awe. She adjusted her arms while carrying Rade.
“Welcome home, sweetheart.”
Napakurap ito at napatingin sa kanya. “I feel… weird. I don’t know.”
Biglang bumangon ang pag-aalala kay Reeve. “Ano’ng masakit sa `yo? Take a seat. I’ll get you a drink.”
Ibinaba niya si Adam sa playmat katabi ni Riana. Kinuha naman niya si Rade at pinaupo si Agatha sa sofa.
Reeve quickly grabbed a glass of cold water and gave it to his wife.
Agad nitong tinanggap iyon at uminom doon. Ibinaba na rin muna niya si Rade sa crib nitong puno ng laruan.
Lumuhod si Reeve sa harap ni Agatha. “What are you feeling? Does our house bring some of your memories back?”
Tumango ito. “Some memories. But they were just flashes. Mabibilis. Pero lahat ay sa bahay na ito.” Napasandal ito sa upuan at nahilot ang sentido. “It came pouring down on me in just a matter of seconds…”
Lihim na umasa si Reeve na kasama siya sa mga alaalang iyon… iyong magaganda naman sana.
Umupo siya sa tabi nito. “What did you remember?”
“Some memories whenever I play with the kids. I take care of them, clean the whole house, greet some neighbors.” Nagbuga ito ng hangin. Sa magagandang mata nito ay agad niyang napansin ang pagkahapo.
“Tomorrow, I’ll take you to the psychiatrist.” Umupo siya sa tabi nito. He lightly stroke her arm. “Take a rest. Ako na ang bahalang mag-ayos ng mga gamit.”
“Ang mga bata—”
“I got them. Maraming nangyari sa nakalipas na isang linggo. Added that we just got home today and spent lunch in Papa’s house…”
Naalala na naman ni Reeve ang posibleng nangyayari sa mga magulang niyang matagal nang hiwalay. His stomach started to turn upside down. Napailing siya at agad na binura iyon sa isip. Sa susunod na lang niya kakausapin ang mama at papa niya.
“You’re drained. Magpahinga ka na sa kuwarto natin.”
Nagpaubaya naman si Agatha. Inihatid niya ito sa kuwarto nila. And maybe their room missed her too. Having her back finally in their room felt complete.
“This is the master’s bedroom, if you can’t recall,” sabi niya habang inaalalayan ito sa siko hanggang sa makarating sila sa malaking kama. “Rade sleeps with us, that’s why his crib is here.”
Umupo siya sa gilid ng kama. Katulad ng pagpasok nila sa bahay kanina, inilibot din ni Agatha ang tingin sa buong kuwarto.
Then her eyes settled on the big portrait above the headboard—their wedding picture. Napakurap ito pero walang sinabi. She’s void of any reaction in her face too.
“May… naaalala ka ba sa kuwartong ito?” maingat niyang tanong. This room had witnessed a lot more than it should.
Inalis na ni Agatha ang tingin sa wedding picture nila at umiling. “Puwede bang makatabi ang mga bata sa pagtulog? Katulad ng ginagawa natin sa Iddu?”
“Well, all the kids can’t fit here with us…”
“They can take turns.” Napahikab ito. “Gusto kong makatabi ang mga bata. I’ve missed them badly.”
Nakakaintinding tumango si Reeve. He tried not to feel disappointed that Agatha was still not comfortable sleeping beside him alone. Pero hindi rin naman niya masisisi ang asawa. She was still adjusting and if sleeping with their children made her feel secure and at ease, then he should give her that.
He grabbed the remote of the air conditioner and pressed a button to turn it on. Humiga na si Agatha sa kama at nagtalukbong ng comforter.
Reeve stayed for a little while. Hanggang sa tuluyan nang makatulog si Agatha. Marahan siyang lumapit at maingat na hinaplos ang buhok nito. It felt good to have her on their bed again.
How he wept silently on days and nights above this very bed when she went missing. But now she was back and emotions just rose to his chest again.
Huminga siya nang malalim at tahimik na tinitigan ang asawa. Hindi na siguro siya aalis sa puwesto kung hindi lang niya naalala na marami pang dapat asikasuhin.
He forced himself to stand and leave Agatha to rest for a while. Kailangan pa niyang pakalmahin ang sarili at kumbinsihing hindi ito mawawala uli kung iiwan niya saglit.
Pagkalabas ng kuwarto ay marahan niyang isinara ang pinto.
Nakasalubong niya ang panganay sa pagbaba ng hagdan.
“Done fixing your things, champ?” Reeve asked. Nginitian din niya ito. Back in Iddu, Rainiel played and talked with him properly again. He wasn’t rude anymore. Si Agatha lang talaga ang kailangan nilang lahat para bumalik sa ayos ang lahat.
“Where’s Mommy?” Rainiel asked, not looking at him.
“She’s taking a nap. Mommy got tired from the plane ride.” Nilapitan niya ito. “You want some snack? Igagawa ko kayo nina Riana—”
He was about to pat his head when Rainiel hastily dodged him. Lumayo ito sa kanya at tiningala siya. Reeve needed to blink to see if Rainiel was really glaring at him.
He squatted in front of him. “What’s wrong, anak?” He tried to reach him but Rainiel just dodged again.
“Nothing. I want to eat,” he grimly said. Tinalikuran siya nito at bumaba ng hagdan.
Tumayo siya at sumunod dito. “Rainiel, do you have a problem with Daddy again? What did I do this time?”
Umiling lang ito at mas binilisan ang pagbaba ng hagdan. Tumuloy ito sa kusina at binuksan ang ref.
“Daddy, is Mommy taking a rest?” Riana asked, running towards him while hugging her dolls.
“She is. Mamaya pa siguro siya gigising. Do you want anything?”
“Just a little snack, Daddy.” Humawak ito sa kanyang kamay at hinila siya papunta sa kusina.
Reeve prepared some snacks for his four children. Habang inihahanda ang pagkain ay lihim siyang sumusulyap-sulyap kay Rainiel. Ano kaya ang problema?
His son became indifferent towards him, all over again. Kailangan niyang kausapin uli ang anak. Baka may ginawa na naman siyang mali nang hindi niya namamalayan. God, what did he do wrong this time?
“Kuya Rain, you’ll go to school tomorrow?” he heard Riana ask. “But Mommy said it’s Saturday tomorrow.”
“I’m going to school for soccer practice.”
“When’s your game, Kuya Rain? Can I come? I want to watch you.”
“Hindi ko alam. Itatanong ko kay Coach.”
Lumabas si Reeve ng kusina dala ang sandwich at juice para sa mga ito. “Tell us when your soccer game is at pupunta kaming lahat. Adam and Rade need to watch so they’ll love soccer like you do.”
“I don’t love soccer. I’m just playing it,” sabi ni Rainiel. “You don’t know anything about me, Daddy.”
Napabuntong-hininga siya at umupo sa tabi nito. “I’m sorry, anak. Our Daddy Time continues. I’ll bring and pick you up at school every day. At sasamahan uli kita sa soccer practice mo.”
“Mommy is already here. She’ll do that.”
“Mommy needs to rest more. You know why. Ako na muna ang bahala sa lahat. Pati sa mommy ninyo.”
“How about your work, Daddy?” singit ni Riana habang nginunguya ang sandwich.
Natigilan si Reeve. Work! The hotels… Kailangan pala niyang bumalik dahil nakabalik na rin si Agatha. Pero…
He shrugged. “I can just work for half a day. Or maybe, just two to three hours.” Tama. Ganoon na lang. Mas matututukan pa niya ang pagpapagamot ni Agatha at ang pag-aalaga sa mga anak.
Napatingin sa kanya si Rainiel. Parang nagulat. “You can cut your hours off from work, Daddy?”
“Sure. I’m the boss, anyway.” He tried to sound cool.
“Wow!” Riana’s eyes twinkled. “Daddy’s the boss!”
But Rainiel had a different reaction. Nagsalubong ang mga kilay nito. “You can leave work anytime you want? Why didn’t you do that before then?”
Reeve was caught off guard. He had no fair and good excuse.
Tumayo si Rainiel at iniwan ang sandwich na inihanda niya. Actually, his son didn’t even eat it…
“Rainiel.” Akmang hahabulin ni Reeve ang anak pero narinig niyang umiyak si Rade mula sa sala.
Tumakbo si Rainiel paakyat sa hagdan. Reeve’s heart twitched, painfully. His son still hated him.
Kinuha niya si Rade at pinatahan. His diaper was full. Reeve went to the comfort room and changed his diapers. Adam was asking for food when he got back.
May inihanda na nga pala siyang prutas para dito at kay Rade. Bumalik siya sa dining room. Riana had just finished her sandwhich. “Can I have Kuya Rain’s sandwich, Daddy?” she sweetly asked.
“Sure. Just eat. Kung gusto mo pa, sabihin mo sa akin.”
“Okie dokie.”
Pagbalik niya sa sala ay pinakain niya sina Adam at Rade. Once finished, they put them to sleep.
Umakyat si Reeve para kausapin sana si Rainiel pero wala ito sa sariling kuwarto. He went to their room and he saw Rainiel sleeping beside Agatha. Magkayakap ang mag-ina.
Reeve just let it slip for a while. Akala niya ay ayos na sila ni Rainiel because Agatha was able to talk to their son. But forgiving someone was never easy. He should know. Siya ang hirap na hirap magpatawad sa mama niya noon, hindi ba?
Bumaba na lang uli siya at inasikaso ang mga gamit nila. Ipinasok niya ang mga maleta sa bahay. He unpacked the dirty clothes and put them in a laundry bag.
Riana helped him. Sumama pa itong ihatid ang laundry nila sa laundry shop sa labas ng village. When they got home, they swept the floor and washed some dishes.
Nang matapos ang lahat ay papadilim na. He needed to think of a good dinner for the whole family. Pero naramdaman na ni Reeve ang pagkahapo ng buong katawan. He threw his body down the sofa.
“Are you tired na, Daddy? Rest ka muna. I’ll guard the house!” Riana volunteered. She climbed on top of him and settled her head on his chest.
Niyakap niya ang anak. Parang ito lang ang hindi masama ang loob sa kanya, naisip niya. He kissed the top of her head. “You’re the one who should rest, darling. You’ve helped Daddy a lot.”
“Because I love you, Daddy. Be strong, okay?”
He chuckled a bit.
He thought his little girl just said that randomly but as the days passed, he never thought he really needed to be that strong.
ANG UNANG linggo ng pagbalik nila sa bahay ay puno pa rin ng adjustments. Reeve could do this. Hindi muna siya bumalik sa trabaho. Agatha’s psychotherapy had started. Habang wala ito ay siya ang nag-aasikaso sa kanilang mga anak.
But Rainiel, as he expected, went back to being hardheaded. Hindi siya nito pinapansin kapag hindi nakatingin si Agatha. Hindi ito sumusunod sa kanya kapag wala sa bahay si Agatha.
But when Agatha was around, Rainiel would talk to him. He would even smile at him!
His son was putting a show in front of Agatha. Lalong sumakit ang ulo niya nang mapagtanto ang ginagawa ng sariling anak sa kanya.
He was at the point of telling Agatha about Rainiel’s odd behavior. But the problem was, Agatha had been tired from a week of therapy. Isang linggo pa lang pero parang kinakain niyon ang lakas ng kanyang asawa.
“You don’t look good,” nag-aalalang sabi niya nang mapansing namumutla ito. Kagagaling lang nito sa psychiatrist. She was taking her therapy sessions thrice a week.
“I’m all right,” she said calmly. “Ganito daw talaga tuwing makakaalala ako. I’m okay. I’ll just drink some meds.”
“Ano na’ng naaalala mo?” he asked carefully, silently hoping that she already remembered a few good memories with him.
“Mostly childhood memories. `Yong school days ko… ang mga bata… ang araw-araw na ginagawa ko. Mostly those things.”
True enough, Agatha was able to drive and play the piano again. She moved inside the house with ease. Nakapaglilinis, nakapagluluto…
They were activities that required muscle memories. Naaalala ng katawan nito ang daily routine na ginagawa bago mangyari ang aksidente. Which was good, right?
Reeve felt glad for his wife. But a part of his was silently hoping, quietly begging that next time, she would remember him next and her feelings for him.
“Pasensiya na kung hindi kita masyadong natutulungan sa mga bata…” sabi nito.
“No. Don’t think about it. Naaalagaan mo pa rin naman sila kahit paano. It’s also fine if they get to spend more time with me.”
“Hindi ka pa ba babalik sa trabaho?” she softly asked.
Actually his secretary started to look for him. But he ignored the calls. “I’ll stay with you and the kids. Matagal ko kayong napabayaan dahil sa trabaho. Gusto kong makabawi.”
This was Reeve’s way of courting her also—by spending more meaningful time with her. They got separated for a very long time, and he was not just talking about the months she went missing but also the years he neglected her and their children. No matter how he reasoned out that he was working very hard for the future of their children, it was not enough to excuse him from all of his past actions, lalo na ang mga problemang hindi nagawang sabihin sa kanya ni Agatha noon. Mga pagkakataong inignora lang nila. Mga emosyong hindi nito nailabas dahil hindi niya binigyan ng pansin at oras.
Kung puwede lang hawakan ang kamay ng orasan at itulak iyon pabalik sa mga panahong dapat ay nag-away na lang sila ni Agatha kaysa inignora ang mga problema. If he could just pick the brittle sands of time one by one so he could choose his family over work, to respect Agatha and support all her dreams…
Pero hindi na… hindi na puwede. All he could do was make up for all his mistakes and shortcomings. And giving time and attention weren’t the only answers.
FOR THE second week, Reeve tried harder.
“These are for you…” Nakangiting iniabot niya ang dalang mga bulaklak kay Agatha. They were blue daisies surrounded with baby’s breath wrapped in a fancy paper and laces.
He swore he saw Agatha’s eyes sparkle. Tinanggap nito ang bouquet at marahang inamoy iyon. “Thank you, Reeve…” she whispered. Kasusundo lang niya sa asawa mula sa therapy nito.
“How was your session today, sweetheart?” pangungumusta niya. He was driving on their way home.
“So-so.”
“Got some of your memories back again?”
“Some more vivid this time like how my friendship with Trisha started. She was bullying me way back in first year high.” She chuckled lightly. “Naging magkaibigan lang kami kasi hindi ko siya pinapatulan noon. Ako lang daw ang mabait sa kanya. Parang ako lang ang nakakaintindi. Kaya mas gusto na niya akong maging kaibigan. I called her earlier and she cried. Tuwang-tuwa siya kasi sa dami kong puwedeng maaalala, friendship pa namin.”
Kahit iba ang inaasahan niya sanang maalala nito ay sinikap ni Reeve na ngumiti. “Are you happy that you got to remember your years of friendship with her?”
“Yes,” she answered, her eyes twinkling. “It’s good to know that I was that kind… kind enough to make a friend out of the one who used to hate me. Ang sabi kasi ni Trisha, kaya raw niya ako inaaway noon ay dahil masyado raw akong mabait. Nakakainis daw ang ganoon. Kaya pilit niyang pinapalabas ang galit ko. Para ipakitang may masama rin sa akin. Pero…” Napayuko ito sa mga bulaklak. “I would always smile at her back then. Naaawa kasi ako sa kanya. Kasi sinong tao ba ang mahilig mang-away kung may nararamdaman naman siyang pagmamahal sa paligid niya? Naaawa ako sa kanya noon kasi baka feeling niya walang nagla-love sa kanya o hindi sapat `yong love na natatanggap niya. So she went on bullying kids like me. The people who hated are those who weren’t able to to feel loved at all. I was sheltered and loved by my parents and cousins kaya hindi ako marunong makipag-away.
“True enough, I learned that Trisha didn’t feel loved at home. Her father was very strict and her mother wouldn’t take her side. Lumayas pa raw ang nag-iisa niyang ate na kakampi niya dapat. Nakakasakal. Marami siyang hindi magawa. It made her hate everything around her. Parang ang unfair daw kasi ang saya-saya naming mga classmate niya noon samantalang siya, she couldn’t feel the same happiness. Because she wasn’t able to feel the right love at all.”
“Then she started bullying you.”
“She wanted to prove that I wasn’t all nice. Sabi sa akin ni Trisha, gusto niya lang din sigurong may karamay siya sa pagiging ‘miserable’ niya noon. Mas nakakaawa, hindi ba? People try to pull you down because they want to be with someone, under the pit where they are.”
“You were both thirteen back then pero mas mature ka na nang mag-isip sa gano’ng edad?” When Reeve was thirteen, he was still trying to win his mother’s affection.
Lumabi si Agatha. “Naaalala kong nagagalit din ako kay Trisha noon. Hindi ko lang ipinapakita. I’d always cry whenever I came home. Mommy would hug me and talk about Jesus. `Tapos pagbalik ko sa school, ngingitian ko si Trisha. Pero sa likod ng isip ko, I wanted to fight back. Nangingibabaw lang talaga `yong awa ko. Trisha didn’t need another loveless fight. So, I fought her with love by being kind.” Agatha laughed. “But at the back of my mind, I wanted to slap her face.”
Reeve chuckled. “So Agatha Anderson is not all kind.”
“There’s no person that’s all kind. But I believe there are people who are capable of giving a love that requires sacrifice. Kahit hindi hinihingi ng pagbibigyan. You give them the right amount of love.”
“What’s the right amount of love?” he curiously asked.
“An amount that rightly loves yourself too.” Agatha’s smile faded. “Doon siguro ako nagkamali pagdating sa marriage natin. I’m sorry, Reeve…”
The car stopped outside the gate of their house. Hinarap niya ito. “What are you sorry for?”
“I’m not all kind. Not all understanding. But still, I tried to give love more than I should. I hid my emotions. I wasn’t able to communicate my feelings well with you. I thought I was doing all those rightly.” The twinkle in her eyes disappeared and was replaced by gloom. “I’m sorry. I’m not a good wife at all.”
Reeve felt a lump in her throat for the sudden realization. Yes, Agatha had her own faults too. But what pushed her to overdo being a wife? It was the fact that he was no good husband as well, and it only reflected on her.
Their faults caused them to act more than they should. Parang laro ng ping-pong. There was this little ball carrying the true struggles of the marriage. It was a negative ball that they could turn into a positive one if only they never bounced it back and forth. Sila ni Agatha, para silang naglaro ng ping-pong. At bawat hampas ni Agatha sa bola ay ganoong hampas din ang ginagawa niya pabalik dito.
Hanggang sa lumiit nang lumiit ang bola. Hindi dahil nabawasan ang problema but rather the two of them absorbed it individually, until it shrank. They kept hitting it, passing to each other the problems that they should have solved together. Sila ang nagkasakitan sa bawat hampas ng bola.
IF THE first week was rough, and the second was rougher, the third and fourth week just intensified it.
Mas pansin ang pagod kay Agatha tuwing pagkatapos ng therapy sessions nito. She was very drained, even dead tired to drink her medicines. Napapansin na rin iyon ng mga bata.
Mas naramdaman ni Reeve ang pagbigat pang lalo ng kung ano sa mga balikat niya. Suddenly, even if Agatha was present, their house became unruly. Not the messy kind. Pero kakaiba ang tensiyon sa loob ng bahay.
Hindi na nagkukuwento si Agatha ng mga nangyayari dito. Kung hindi ito sumasailalim sa therapy ay pumupunta naman sa bahay ng mga magulang kasama ang kanilang mga anak.
Reeve noticed Agatha wasn’t comfortable staying at their own house. Pinipilit naman niyang gawing “homey” ang atmosphere. But it was like what he kept on doing wouldn’t ever be enough.
And Rainiel’s attitude wasn’t helping.
“Baby, si Daddy muna ang makakasama mo sa practice mo today,” malambing na sabi ni Agatha kay Rainiel. “I need to stay home because I’m not feeling well. But I prepared your things and made you a special snack. Babawi si Mommy kapag magaling na ako, okay?”
Yumakap si Rainiel kay Agatha. “I don’t want to go to practice anymore. Aalagaan na lang kita, Mommy.”
“Oh. But you can’t miss practice. Malapit na ang game mo.” Agatha lightly stroked Rainiel’s back. “Sasamahan ka naman ni Daddy.”
Inobserbahan ni Reeve ang anak. Tumango lang ito sa sinabi ni Agatha. Nang sila na lang dalawa ni Rainiel sa sasakyan ay tahimik na ito. Nakasimangot. Ganoon si Rainiel hanggang sa makarating sila sa school nito.
Reeve parked the car inside the parking lot. Hindi niya agad pinababa ang anak dahil maaga pa naman para sa practice nito.
Ngayon niya ito gustong makausap nang masinsinan. Rainiel was just eight but talked, acted, and behaved like an adult.
“You only ‘love’ me when Mommy’s around, huh?”
Hindi ito umimik.
“I thought we were okay already…” Napailing-iling siya. “Why won’t you tell Daddy the problem so we can fix it? Lagi ka naman naming sinasamahan ng mommy mo sa practice. Lagi na akong nasa bahay. I didn’t miss breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even snacks in between with all of you. I’m trying everything I can just to make you notice that I’m not going back to what I was once before.”
Reeve hid the frustration in his voice while talking to his son. Para sa kanya, wala siyang karapatang maging frustrated. Hindi siya puwedeng umangal. Pero ang sakit pala talagang ginagawa mo na ang lahat pero parang kulang pa rin. Hindi napapansin. Hindi nakikita at ang naaalala pa rin ay ang mga pagkakamali mo noon. Ipinapakita mo nang pinipilit mong magbago pero ayaw pa ring maniwala ng mga tao sa iyo.
“It’s not easy to just stop being angry,” Rainiel said, his voice childish and low. “Gusto ko ring bati na tayo. But when I look at you, I get scared.” His lips turned downwards. “Sabi mo lang hindi mo na gagawin but what if you do it again? I’m going to get angry again? You will hurt Mommy again? I get hurt again?”
Hinarap niya si Rainiel, hinawakan sa magkabilang balikat. “Listen to me. What I did hurt me as much as it hurt all of you. It bounced back and like you, I don’t want to get hurt. I know I was the problem. I’m trying to be a better dad to the four of you. Hindi ka na maniniwala kahit sabihin kong hindi ko na uulitin kaya ginagawa ko na lang. Can’t you see, Rainiel?” Nagtagis ang kanyang mga bagang. “But how can you see if you won’t even look at Daddy?”
“Mommy’s sick because of you! She wouldn’t get sick if she’s not in that accident! She wouldn’t be in the accident if you took care of her!” mabigat na paratang nito. “Galit ako sa `yo kasi sinaktan mo si Mommy! Kasalanan mo! Kasalanan mo!”
Rainiel’s shouts must have gotten into Reeve’s nerves. Inabot niya ang kamay nito at pinalo iyon nang malakas.
Nagpigil ito ng luha. “You can hit me but still, galit ako sa `yo!”
“You can’t talk to me like that. You can’t raise your voice on me, young man. Sumosobra ka na.” Kahit nasasaktan para sa anak, Reeve hit Rainiel’s hand again.
Napakislot ito, lalong tumalim ang tingin sa kanya. “I’ll tell Mommy that you hit me! Because you were mad at me for shouting the truth at you!”
“You don’t understand what’s happening between your mommy and I!” Reeve’s tone was a little higher. “You’re too young to understand what’s really happening. And I am making it up to your mommy and it’s really damn hard! But you, hardheaded boy, makes it harder. Do you always think that I’m happy hurting mommy? That I’m happy hurting you? That’s why I’ll do it over and over?”
The corner of Reeve’s eyes started to water until it found its way down his cheeks. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ng anak na namumula na dahil sa palo niya. Napayuko siya at dinala ang kamay nito sa mga labi niya. He kissed it.
“I love you so much, Rainiel. You’ll see me every day in the house, in your school, in your practice, and it won’t help you if you will stay mad at me. Go and tell Mommy that I hit you but it won’t stop me from being the daddy I should have been from the very start. I’ll hit you if you scold me again. But I’ll still go with you to your practice, watch you, take you home, cook food for you… I’ll do all of this because I love you. Even if you’re mad at Daddy, I love you still.”
Hindi umimik si Rainiel pero hindi na rin matalim ang tingin sa kanya. Binawi nito ang mga kamay at mabilis na bumaba ng sasakyan. Reeve fixed himself and followed his son.
He patiently watched Rainiel during practice. Kapag breaks ay binibigyan niya ang anak ng pagkaing inihanda ni Agatha para dito.
After the practice, his son quietly got into the car and slept.
Reeve was hoping, kahit paunti-unti lang naman ay maramdaman ng anak na sinsero na siya sa pagkakataong iyon. Ano pa ba ang kailangan niyang gawin?
LIFE continued for Reeve. Sa kabila ng sitwasyon ng kanilang pamilya. He just pushed himself more.
Naging routine na ang paggising niya sa umaga. He would cook breakfast. Agatha would wake up next. She would settle the children on the table. Pagkatapos ay ihahatid niya sina Rainiel at Riana sa school. Pagkauwi niya, ihahatid niya ang asawa sa psychiatrist nito kapag may therapy ito na naka-schedule ng umaga. Maiiwan sina Adam at Rade sa mama niya sandali. He would go to work for two hours maximum, then pick Rainiel and Riana from school.
After lunch pa natatapos ang therapy session ni Agatha kaya pagkatapos mag-lunch ay magda-drive uli siya para sunduin ang asawa. But before that, he would stop by a flower shop. At minsan ay kumakain sila sa labas. Then the rest of the day, they would spend it with their children.
Kapag hapon naman ang therapy session ni Agatha, ganoon din ang ginagawa niya. Pero dumederetso na sila pauwi para makapaghanda ng hapunan. After that, Agatha would help Rainiel with his assignments, siya ay kay Riana nakatutok. Tig-isa rin sila ni Agatha sa pag-aalaga kina Adam at Rade habang tinuturuan sina Rainiel at Riana.
Pagsapit ng gabi, their kids would prepare for bed and they would all sleep beside Agatha while he learned to sleep on the extra bed on the floor. Madalas ay itinatabi niya si Riana o si Adam sa pagtulog.
It was a kind of routine that he enjoyed. Akala niya ay sapat na iyon. Nakakabawi na siya. Naisip niyang napapansin siguro ng asawa at mga anak ang mga ginagawa niya. He tried hard to squeeze himself back into the family picture.
Pero bawat araw ay pahirap nang pahirap.
Dumagdag pa ang mga naririnig niyang usap-usapan sa trabaho patungkol sa kanya at sa pagiging incompetent leader niya. He wanted to share that with Agatha. But she was too tired from her therapy sessions and from playing with their children.
Madalas ay umuupo na lang siya sa hapag-kainan, tahimik na panonoorin kung paano kausapin at asikasuhin ni Agatha ang kanilang mga anak. They would joke and laugh around—and he wanted to be a part of it.
But he was out of the picture a long time before.
“Hindi na rin ako magtataka kung bakit kahit ano ang gawin ko, hinding-hindi na mapapatawad ang mga kasalanan ko,” Reeve confided to Prince.
One month had passed and Rainiel was still indifferent towards him. Then, Agatha… She had her important memories back. Aside from what happened before she fell from the bus and their good times together.
“I’m not connected to my own family anymore. I keep on finding my way in. Pero lagi lang akong tumatagos.” He looked up the night sky. “I tried to redeem myself but it feels like I’m not worth it anymore.”
“Isang buwan pa lang naman,” komento ni Prince. “Suko ka na agad?”
“I just feel na kahit ano pa ang gawin ko, wala namang magbabago. And I can slowly feel Agatha detaching herself from me. I mean, we were okay in Iddu. We were trying to fix things. But now, she would just talk about the kids but never our relationship. At ako, laging naghihintay, nag-aabang kung kailan niya ako maaalala.”
“Do you feel neglected?”
“Damn, yes. Kaya galit na galit sa akin si Rainiel at lumalabas ang sama ng loob ni Agatha. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam na parang wala ka nang halaga sa mga taong importante sa `yo.” Napangiti siya nang mapait. “I reaped what I sowed, didn’t I? Karma.”
Natawa si Prince. “Kung maka-karma ka naman, parang wala kang Diyos.”
Napatingala na naman si Reeve sa madilim na kalangitan. “Masama bang mapagod kahit kasalanan ko?”
“Hindi naman.” Tumingala rin si Prince sa kalangitan. “Pahinga ka lang saglit, `tapos laban uli. Huwag mong tantanan. Dasal at gawa, dude. They go together. Parang puro ka lang gawa.”
Hindi siya nakasagot. Guilty of the fact that he did work but not pray.
“Huwag kang susuko, Reeve. Masamang pinipilit natin `yong sarili natin sa mga taong hindi pa tayo kayang patawarin. Pero gawin mo ang mga dapat mong gawin, not because you have to make it up to them and redeem yourself. That’s kind of vain.”
Napatingin siya sa kaibigan.
Prince seriously looked at him too. “Do what you have to do because you believe that the Lord wants you to do it. And because it’s your responsibility as a husband and as a father. Kung nakakapagod dahil sa tingin mo ay walang nangyayari sa pakikipaglaban mo, always remember that even though people haven’t noticed, God is watching you closely. He’s cheering you on.”
Nginitian siya ni Prince nang maluwang. “May Diyos tayo, that’s our edge. Your edge. The fact that you admitted you sinned means you need a savior. And you are forgiven and saved. And that kind of grace gives us the fuel to do what we need to do. Endure it. Napapagod pero magpapatuloy. The fact that we’re forgiven push us that when people can’t see that we are worthy of a second chance, we still do our best because we are thankful enough to Christ who has forgiven us. Hindi tayo gumagawa ng mabuti at tama para mapatawad ng Diyos. Gumagawa tayo ng mabuti at tama dahil napatawad na tayo ng Diyos.”
“We are forgiven and saved to be able to do good?”
Tumango si Prince. “You see, Reeve, maybe it will take more weeks, more months, or more years para magkasundo na kayo ni Rainiel. O para maalala ka ni Agatha. But keep it going. Don’t think about what they want to see you doing. Think about what God wants to see you doing. You can’t go wrong with that.” Tumayo ito at niyuko siya. “Alam mo ang madalas na problema sa `yo, Reeve?”
Tumayo na rin siya. “What?”
“Nakakalimutan mong lalaki ka. Not talking about gender here but you are a man. We swore at the altar while marrying our wives that we will be God’s men. Not just faithful husbands to our wives or good fathers to our children. But. A. Man,” seryoso at mariing sabi nito.
After that talk, Reeve’s perspective about their situation became clearer.
Umalis na sila ni Prince para sunduin ang kanya-kanyang asawa. Magkasama sina Agatha at Trisha nang araw na iyon. Nagpaalam sa kanya ang asawa na pagkatapos ng therapy session nito ay lalabas ito sandali kasama si Trisha.
Pagdating nila roon ay biglang napahinto si Reeve sa labas ng coffee shop. Natatanaw na niya ang asawa pero hindi niya magawang ihakbang ang mga paa.
“Reeve?” untag ni Prince.
“I feel bad.” Kusa iyong lumabas sa kanyang bibig. “I don’t know why.”
Inakbayan siya ni Prince at bumalik sila sa loob ng sasakyan. “Ha! Nag-usap tayo ng tungkol sa spiritual lives natin pero hindi tayo nagdasal. I’ll pray for you, my best pal,” malambing na sabi nito.
Inilayo niya ang sarili kay Prince. “You’re creeping me out.”
Natawa ito at pumikit.
Reeve closed his eyes too. There would be a point in time na akala mo ay may pananampalataya ka, may pinaniniwalaan ka, pero sobrang hina pala niyon at hindi sapat para makatayo ka.
Pagkatapos magdasal, kahit paano ay gumaan-gaan naman ang loob ni Reeve. He suddenly saw the growth in Prince. Madalas pa ring parang walang saysay ang mga biro at kalokohan nito but he did grow more spiritually than him.
The key in faith was consistency and Prince never stopped holding on to his faith. Ang alam nga ni Reeve ay sumasali ito sa Bible study group ni Johann para sa kalalakihan. He never got the chance to join the group because he was too preoccupied with work before.
Maybe he could try to join now. He must admit hindi na niya kayang mag-isa. He needed support. A faithful one that would make him feel that the Lord was indeed with Him. Tama si Agatha noon nang sabihing mahalaga ang support groups. Hindi kasi madaling maramdaman ang Diyos kung pinipilit mo lang mag-isa habang lagapak na lagapak ka pa.
Bakit ngayon lang niya naisip iyon?
“Reeve, si Agatha!” sabi ni Prince, sabay turo sa coffee shop.
Agatha was crying and running away from Trisha. Agad na bumaba ng sasakyan si Reeve at hinabol ang asawa.
“Agatha!” He grabbed her arm. “Sweetheart, what happened?”
Humarap ito sa kanya at tiningala siya. Her beautiful innocent face were stained with tears.
“Why are you crying?” naguguluhan niyang tanong. “Nag-away ba kayo ni Trisha?”
Napayuko ito. “I’m sorry, Reeve. I’m sorry…”
Dinala niya ito sa dibdib niya. He did not know why she was sorry. Nilingon niya si Prince na kausap na ang asawa nito. Parang may ikinagulat si Prince at napatingin sa gawi niya.
Kung anuman ang nangyari ay ayaw na muna niyang alamin. Ang mahalaga ngayon ay kumalma si Agatha dahil nanginginig ito at hindi maawat sa pag-iyak.
Inalalayan niya ang asawa pasakay sa sasakyan at ibinalik sa psychiatrist nito.
The old woman gave Agatha a little shot when she kept on shivering. Hanggang sa huminto sa panginginig at pag-iyak ang asawa niya.
“Your wife is going through a very difficult stage right now. Her memories are slowly coming back. The emotions she had suppressed for a long time keep coming back too. Sinabi niya iyon sa akin. And she doesn’t know how to handle it. It’s too much for her.”
Napatingin si Reeve kay Agatha. She was not sleeping but she was groggy from the shot.
“I recommended na isali ka sana sa therapy sessions niya, so you will be able to guide your wife well. But she kept refusing. She kept all of her emotions and that was her fault. Iyon palagi ang sinasabi niya. Gusto niyang masolusyunan ito nang mag-isa. Gusto niyang makilala ang sari li.”
Huminga nang malalim si Reeve para makontrol ang emosyon. He held Agatha’s hand.
The psychiatrist told him what to do and said that in the next therapy session, it would be better if he was also present.
Iniuwi na ni Reeve ang asawa. Pagdating nila sa bahay ay maayos na ito. They joined their children over dinner. Nagluto ang kanyang mama at ang mommy ni Agatha. Ang ina at biyenan niya ang nagbantay sa kanilang mga anak habang wala sila.
After dinner, their respective mothers went home. Dahil walang pasok ang mga bata bukas, hinayaan nila ni Agatha na manood ang mga ito ng pelikula kasama nila.
The kids fell asleep after watching their third animated movie that night.
Akala ni Reeve ay nakatulog na rin si Agatha. Pero bumangon ito at lumabas ng kuwarto. Nagpalipas muna siya nang ilang minuto bago ito sinundan.
Agatha was wearing a thin nightdress. Yakap nito ang sarili habang nasa garden. Nakayapak ito. Nakatingala sa mas dumilim pang kalangitan. Stars were not even visible because of the city lights.
“Sweetheart…” he softly called her.
Hindi siya nito nilingon. He just stood with her silently.
“I’m disappointed,” she spoke after a defeaning silence. “I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m sad. I…” Nangilid ang luha sa mga mata nito. She closed her eyes that were once full of optimism. “I fell out of love, Reeve.”
Surprisingly, Reeve was… calm.
“I don’t know what to do,” she confessed. “I don’t know where I stand anymore. I don’t know how to handle myself. I hate my own life and what I have become!”
Tears streamed down her beautiful face. She was like an angel who lost her light, her wings badly scarred, her halo dropping down on the ground.
Tinakpan nito ng mga kamay ang mukha. She wept helplessly.
Pigil ni Reeve ang sariling hawakan o yakapin si Agatha. Although it was killing him, he waited until she had cried enough.
And she did. Tumahan na ito mayamaya. Kumalma. Umupo si Agatha sa damuhan.
He did the same.
“If you want to define yourself, Agatha, I’ll support you. Kung ayaw mo akong nasa tabi mo, kahit sa likuran lang ako, ayos na. And when you’re ready to love again, I will be just here.”
Tiningnan niya si Agatha at mas nakita niya ang dapat ay noon pa niya na-realize para dito. He smiled at his wife while trying to stop his tears from falling.
“Play in the rain, sweetheart. You don’t always have to hide and wait for the rainbow to come out.”
Today, he would be man enough to accept that some love would slowly fall apart. Even with your wife. But it did not mean that marriage must end there.
“Thank you…” she whispered. “Isn’t it unfair to you?”
Before, Agatha loved him when he wasn’t ready to love again. At ngayong ito naman ang hindi na kayang magmahal, pipiliin niyang manatiling minamahal ito.
“You’ve been thinking about my welfare all your life, sweetheart. I’ll get through. Basta huwag tayong maghihiwalay. Let’s be a team in bringing up our children,” sinserong sabi niya. Honestly, he wanted to cry. Pero naubos na rin siguro ang mga luha niya. “I love you. Hindi iyon magbabago. I’ll still make it up to you and our children because I want to. Maybe someday I’ll earn your love back again.”
“Ayoko rin namang makipaghiwalay…” bulong uli ni Agatha. “But I can’t promise anything. I want to understand what I’m going through, to redefine myself… After this phase, I’ll learn to love you again.” Nangangako ang tinig nito.
Reeve settled for that. Because for once, Agatha also settled for this.
When a man and wife had reached the worst after the better, the sickness after the health, the poorer after the richer, and the romance had died down, that was when to hold and cherish make more sense to stay together.