“Y OU REALLY should go out more.”
Buntong-hininga ang sagot ni Blanca sa kaibigang si Helen. How was she supposed to go out more when she was slumped with work? She needed a loan as well. Plano niyang palakihin ang negosyo dahil wala nang pag-asa kung hindi niya dadagdagan ang mga lumang makina. Gusto rin niyang mapabilis ang production para makapag-bid sa mga kompanyang mas malaki ang demand. Expansion was the only way. Sa gitna ng lahat ng dapat asikasuhin para sa negosyo, paano pa niya maiisip makipag-date? Malayo na iyon sa plano sa ngayon. Maybe in the future, when everything was better.
“How?”
“Well, it just so happens there’s Tinder now,” sagot ni Helen.
“Tinder?” ulit ni Blanca.
Tumawa si Helen. Inilabas nito ang cell phone at ipinakita ang app. It was a dating app.
Naitirik ni Blanca ang mga mata. “How the hell am I supposed to find a good man in an app? Anong klaseng lalaki ang naghahanap ng babae sa ganyang mga app?”
“A modern man?”
“Oh, please.”
“Give it a try, why don’t you? Umiikot ang mundo. Wala ka na sa nineties.” Itinirik nito ang mga mata na parang may mali sa sinabi niya.
Hindi na lang siya umimik. Sa nakalipas na ilang taon, wala siyang naka-date masyado, pero may naging boyfriend naman. Dalawa. Parehong hindi nagtagal. Siya rin mismo ang nakikipaghiwalay. There was always something missing.
“Your last boyfriend was so gorgeous.”
“I know, but…” Nagkibit-balikat si Blanca. “We had nothing in common.”
“But he’s gorgeous!”
Natawa na lang siya. Ano ba ang sasabihin niya sa kaibigan na walang ibang ginawa kundi ang mag-boy watching? Sa kanilang group of friends, silang dalawa na lang ang single. Pero hindi ito eksaktong walang experience. Helen got married shortly after college. She got an annulment after two years. Nagkita silang muli nang mahanap siya nito sa Facebook. They had been close ever since. Si Helen lang ang maituturing ni Blanca na totoong kaibigan. May anak ang babae, pero nasa dating asawa. Walang kaso rito. Mabait daw ang biyenan nito. She said she was never getting married again and she was not built to be a parent. Parang tinanggap nito nang ganoon kabilis ang sitwasyon. Maayos naman ang relasyon nito sa dating asawa na may bagong asawa na rin.
“I honestly don’t know how you do it, Helen. I mean, I dont want to judge you, but to leave your son with your ex must be hard.”
Tumawa ang babae. “Ayaw mo akong i-judge pero jinudge mo na rin ako? It’s all right. I know I’m a bad mother.”
“No, you’re not.” Napabuntong-hininga si Blanca. Kahit pa iniwan ng kaibigan ang anak sa dating asawa, alam niyang mahal na mahal nito ang anak. “It’s just that I don’t understand how you’re insisting I go out on a date when you yourself said you never want to get married ever again. I mean, what is that all about?”
“Bakit, kapag ba nakipag-date ka, ibig sabihin, mag-aasawa ka na? There’s a lot more to dating than finding a partner in life, oh, please. Don’t tell me you’re one of those purists? Those who believe that they needed to date with the purpose of marriage? Oh, honey, how will you know the guy’s dick size if you do that?”
Natawa si Blanca. “So, ang mahalaga sa `yo, eh, size ng mapapangasawa mo?”
“Of course, that’s important. But no, I’m never getting married again.”
“Never say never.”
“Point is, if you date only potential husbands, or maybe even something a lot stronger than initial physical attraction, then you are in for a big surpise when you do tie the knot. You need to know someone from inside and out. Granted, you can’t be a hundred percent sure anyway, but why risk the physical aspect of the relationship? Paano kung magpakasal ka at sa wedding night mo malaman na kasinlaki lang pala ng vienna sausage ang kanya?” Ang lakas ng tawa ni Helen.
“You know I’m not a purist. It’s just that it’s also tiring to keep dating men if I don’t feel like we’re ever gonna get somewhere, you know?”
“There’s sex, there’s fun. And you’re missing out.”
“I don’t think so.” Hindi maintindihan ni Blanca kung bakit may mga babaeng binibigyan ng ganoon katinding importansiya ang sex. For her, sex was not even fun. And sometimes it could be painful as well.
“Are you serious. Are you a virgin?”
“No. But I don’t like sex.” She experienced it a few times. All of those times, she felt like she was doing it out of obligation. Noong una, excited siyang maranasan iyon. Nang maranasan na, naisip niyang overrated masyado. “What’s fun about a guy sticking his thing inside of you? It’s a bit painful.”
“Oh, my God!” Mukhang na-shock si Helen at hindi na naitikom pa ang bibig. “Are you serious right now?”
“Well, yes.”
“Did he… you know, eat you up?”
“What the hell?” Natawa si Blanca, saka umiling.
“Well, did he?”
“Yeah, a bit. It was uncomfortable, okay?”
“No wonder you don’t like sex. Oh, my God. All the more reason for you to find a date. Find someone who is good in bed. I will make a Tinder account for you. Ako na rin ang magbubukas at maghahanap ng ka-date mo.”
“Oh, please. Kung may mahahanap kang mayaman na mag-aahon sa akin sa problemang ito, go ahead. If it’s just a regular guy wanting some sex, then forget about it.”
“Listen to me, sex is important. It’s a basic human need. Sex is painful—a bit—on your first time. But it should get better. If it didn’t get better, your partner is doing something wrong. Trust me on this.”
“Maybe some women are just not that interested in sex, you know.”
“Oh, poor Blanca.” Para talagang awang-awa ang kaibigan sa pagkakatingin sa kanya. “Honey, trust me on this, okay? And about this business, why don’t you sell it already? Ilang taon ka nang pinapahirapan nito.”
“I can’t just sell this. I put so much time into this.”
“Honey, there’s a time when you simply need to accept that you can’t fix something that no longer works.”
“I can make this work.”
Bumuntong-hininga si Helen at hindi na nagsalita pa. Wala na ring makuhang sabihin si Blanca. Paano niya sasabihin sa kaibigan na hindi niya kayang tanggapin na magsisimula siya sa isang entry-level job kung bibitiwan niya ang negosyo? The newly-grads knew more than her in technology. Paano siya lalaban?
The zipper factory was the only thing she had. Lahat ng ipinaglaban niya noon, nawalang parang bula isang gabing gumawa ng kalokohan si Mitchell. It was one of those stupid things that went away. Kinailangan niyang tawagan ang tiyuhin at humingi ng tulong. He helped them, but in return made her sign the documents buying peace. She signed the documents. It was stupid because when the girl woke up from her coma, she didn’t even sue.
Mitchell…
Napabuntong-hininga si Blanca. Nakakulong ang kanyang kapatid. Nagsimulang mamasukan si Mitchell sa isang kompanya ng kaibigan nito. He messed up and stole millions. Nagkaroon ng settlement at plea bargain. She lost their house for that, still he needed to spend time in prison. Pero naging mabuti para dito ang makulong. There he learned to value things. Huli silang nag-usap noong nakaraang buwan, sinabi ni Mitchell na masaya ito sa loob. He found his purpose in life, and that was to serve God.
Ilang taon pa bago makalabas ang kapatid, pero kung noong una wala itong ginawa kundi ang magsisi na nahuli—at sana raw iba ang ginawang technique ng pagnanakaw—ngayon, inaamin nito ang mga pagkakamali. Still, it pained Blanca to see her brother in that place. May kapatid bang matutuwa sa kaalaman na ang kapatid ay nasa ganoong klaseng lugar?
“How’s your brother?” tanong ni Helen.
“He’s happy.”
“What?”
“Hindi ko nabanggit sa `yo, pero masaya siya sa loob. He found religion. May pastor daw na doon din sa loob naging pastor. Apparently, may mga missionary na nagpupunta doon. He seemed really… happy.” Kahit si Blanca, nahihirapan iyong sabihin dahil nahihirapan siyang paniwalaan. But it was real. Siguro, sa tagal ng panahon na puro problema ang hatid ni Mitchell sa kanya, nahirapan na siya ngayong tanggapin na may pag-asa pa pala ito. Or maybe she wasn’t expecting his rehabilitation to be such a drastic one. Noong huli silang magkita, halos parang hindi na niya makilala ang kapatid. He was smiling, he seemed genuinely happy. And it was still hard to believe. Noon kasi wala itong bukambibig kundi ang reklamo sa sistema ng Bilibid. In fact, he fought so hard to stay in the city jail but he needed to be transferred.
“Really?” tanong ni Helen.
“It’s weird seeing him that way. It’s like he changed a lot.”
“Because he did.”
“I just don’t see him as a pastor or an assistant pastor, you know.” Napailing si Blanca. Siguro, mali rin niya na may preconceived notion siya tungkol sa mga pastor. She had always thought they were the fakest people on earth.
“Iyon na ba ang gusto niya?”
“Yes. Nabanggit niya sa akin noong huli kaming nag-usap na gusto raw niyang mag-aral sa Theology school paglabas niya. He said he will work on a full scholarship grant. He was never really good in school.”
“Oh, I remember.”
Napabuntong-hininga na naman si Blanca. May mga tao pa ring nakakaalala ng eskandalo noon. Nabanggit din sa mga diyaryo ang pangalan ni Mitchell. It was one of the lowest points of her life. Nakatanggap siya ng tawag mula sa kapatid nang gabing iyon, nag-aalala nang sobra.
“I messed up, Ate. I need your help.”
“What happened?!”
“Sharon is having a seizure inside my car. She took some drugs. It’s bad, Ate. I don’t know what to do.”
“Did you make her take drugs? Are you taking drugs?”
“It’s my first time. Anthony slipped her some drugs. They also did it to the nerd.”
“Tell me the truth!” bulyaw ni Blanca sa kapatid. Nanginginig siya sa galit. “I’ve had enough of you! If you won’t tell me the truth, I cannot help you! You are the leader of that group, now you’re blaming Anthony? Sabihin mo sa akin ang lahat, ang totoo, para matulungan kita, Mitchell!”
“I swear to God, Ate.” Umiiyak na ito. “How can I even buy drugs? The plan was to get them here and poke fun at the nerd. I made him drink beer, but I didn’t know Anthony slipped something into it. Sharon didn’t want to drink at first. Nagalit siya sa akin noong pinilit ko siya. I let it go. But I saw her with the girls, Anthony’s girlfriend and company. They made her drink something, I don’t know. Sharon went wild after that. She danced with me, we had a good time. And then she had a seizure. A lot of people have left. There’s only me and Sharon, Anthony and his girlfriend. The nerd is here, too, unconscious—”
“Son of a bitch!” bulyaw ni Blanca. “Ask Anthony what he put in her drink!”
Narinig ni Blanca ang kapatid na nagtanong kay Anthony. Narinig niya ang boses ni Anthony na tinanong naman ang isang babae. The woman said, “Just some E. I didn’t force her to, I swear to God! Look, I don’t know why this happened. I took E as well, but I’m fine. What are we gonna do?”
“Ate, Sharon’s father is a banker.”
“Shit! Shit!”
“We’re on the road, Ate. We’re on our way to the hospital.”
Nakarinig si Blanca ng pagtatalo hanggang sa sabihin ni Mitchell. “We’ll take them to a motel. The two of them. We can’t go down like this. From there, we’ll call an ambulance. It seems like she is gonna make it. She’s stabilizing, it seems.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Her heartbeat is normal now.”
“Then don’t do anything yet. Head to Fresh Motel, but don’t get off the car. Park outside the motel. I will call you in five minutes.” Agad na tinawagan ni Blanca ang isang kaibigan na alam niyang may-ari ng chain ng motel. Mabilis niyang ipinaliwanag ang sitwasyon. “Look, you can’t get in trouble here. Just call your manager. Please.”
Sinabi nitong maghintay siya sa tawag nito. She called her uncle. Matagal na silang hindi nag-uusap, mula pa nang magsimula ang mga demandahan. The old man just said, “I will take care of it, but sign the documents.”
“I will sign them.”
“Meanwhile, it’s a good idea to leave the two in the motel. Wait for my call and wait for my driver. He will bring the documents.”
Tumawag uli kay Blanca ang kaibigan at nagbilin kung ano ang gagawin. Tinawagan niya ang kapatid at sinabi kung sino ang sasalubong sa mga ito sa motel, sa isang garage room. It took half an hour to make and receive the calls, but it felt like years. It was the longest night of her life.
Dumating ang driver ng tiyuhin ni Blanca, dala ang mga dokumento na agad niyang pinirmahan. Her uncle could have left them hanging, but he did not, fortunately. Ito ang humanap ng abogado, sinabing walang magiging problema dahil nilakad ng tao nito ang bellman ng motel at mismong sa ospital na pinagdalhan sa babae ay may kakilala itong board of trustee, just in case.
Days dragged on and she was losing her mind. Hindi niya kayang ipaliwanag kung ano ang nararamdaman. She felt guilty, she was mad, she was going insane. Hindi niya kinikibo si Mitchell dahil sa matinding galit. Sa isang banda, naiintindihan niya na hindi matalino ang kapatid, pero sa kabila ay sinisisi niya ito. He should have known better. Hindi kasalanan ni Mitchell ang lahat, kundi ng girlfriend ng kaibigan nito, pero bakit kailangan nitong bumarkada sa mga ganoong klaseng tao? Why was he such a big bully? Ilang ulit na niyang pinagsabihan si Mitchell na tigilan na ang kaeskuwela na puwedeng magsumbong sa mga magulang, pero mukhang hindi ito nakinig kahit nangako nang titigil sa ganoong gawain. And now this happened.
Pero sumikat agad ang araw. Nadaan sa pagdarasal niya araw-gabi na sana walang masamang mangyari kay Sharon dahil baka hindi na siya makatulog buong buhay niya. The girl recovered. No charges were filed. Siguro, kahit paano, totoo ang sinabi ng girlfriend ni Anthony na kusang uminom ng ecstasy si Sharon. It was one of those stupid things young people do. Tipikal na kuwento ng isang batang nasa party—excited makaranas ng mga bagong bagay, pero hindi kaya ng katawan.
Kung may isang ikinaganda ang pangyayari, iyon ay ang pagkatuto ni Mitchell. Hindi na ito bumarkada sa mga iyon kahit kailan. Lumipat ito ng eskuwelahan at awa ng Diyos, nakapagtapos. And then his white collar crime happened, prison happened, and now he seemed at peace with his new found religion.
May mga gabing nagigising si Blanca sa bangungot patungkol sa gabing iyon. Bitbit niya ang guilt, kahit pa hindi napahamak si Sharon. It frightened her to think that she almost killed that girl as well when she asked her brother to wait. Thirty minutes. If Sharon died within that time, she did not know what she would have done.
Pero matagal na panahon na iyon. One time she searched for Sharon on Facebook and found her profile. She seemed happily married in Denmark and had two beautiful children. Nangingilabot siya tuwing maiisip na kung may nangyari sa babae, isa siya sa may kasalanan kung bakit wala ang magandang pamilyang iyon. How evil was she exactly? The skeletons in her closet haunted her at nights. Hindi niya alam kung hanggang kailan pagbabayaran iyon.
“Look at your profile. I think we can get you that dream man you want—rich and will be your Prince Charming,” sabi ni Helen.
“If only it’s that easy to find good men,” sabi ni Blanca.
“Well, it just might be your lucky day tomorrow, who knows, huh?”
Walang makapang excitement si Blanca. Baka iyon ang buhay niya—ang negosyong iyon. Baka iyon ang sumpa sa kanya, o ang parusa. She was not a good person, maybe a higher power wanted her to suffer continually. Whatever the case may be, she would face it. As always. Hindi na mahalaga kung parang may space sa dibdib niya na hindi mapunan at parang palalim nang palalim sa bawat araw. She was lonely. She felt empty. Something was missing in her life. Hindi niya alam kung ano iyon at nag-aalala siyang hanapin, tuklasin kung ano. Dahil baka kapag nalaman niya ang sagot, matuklasan ding hindi niya iyon kayang abutin.
Hindi na niya alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng salitang “happiness.” May totoong happiness ba sa mundo? Ano ba talaga ang ibig sabihin ng salitang iyon? She was beginning to think it was bullshit, packaged in a shiny box. It was a conspiracy. And everyone was in on it. Siya lang ang nakakakita, siya lang ang nakakaintindi. Happiness might just be a big lie. Maybe there was no real happiness in this world. One was born alone, one died alone. Maybe men were meant to be alone.