Amia
My jaw dropped as I stared up at him. My heart raced, my chest rose and fell with each breath, and my eyes widened as I stared up at him. There was space between us, he wasn’t forcing himself onto me. There was a safe distance between us. Levi was on top of me and he was flirting with me. I wanted to laugh, was this the Levi that I’ve known since diapers?
Flashes of yesterday filled my mind and this time my heart raced for a different reason. The smile slipped from my lips and his eyes zeroed in on it. He hadn’t missed it and I wasn’t going to try and pretend.
Fear.
Nothing.
I don’t want to do anything to do.
It was a lie. I wasn’t afraid of Levi, but this position, being underneath someone again. I was afraid of this. I was afraid of that. I was scared of what happened yesterday. This was too soon. I didn’t think he would do anything to me. I trusted Levi more than I wanted to admit I did. But my heart, my mind wasn’t ready.
As if he read my mind, the bed dipped and he was off of me. He laid by my side and I let out a relieved breath. How did he always know the right thing to do? Warmth surrounded my hand and my eyes widened as I waited. He was holding my hand. He gripped it firmly and my heart swooned. He lifted my hand and I gasped as he pressed his lips to the inside of my wrist.
“Levi,” I whispered. It sounded like an apology in the quiet room.
“Sh.”
“I… I—”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me. Like I said earlier, I’ll be anything you need me to be,” Levi said.
He lowered my hand, until it rested on the bed. Our hands were intertwined in between us. I bit on my lower lip anxiously and he turned on his side. His free hand coming up, and pulling my lip free.
“Enough of that. You still chew your lip like it doesn’t hurt,” Levi chastised.
“I do not,” I said defensively.
“Do too, Levi said.
We lay in silence for a few minutes. The darkened windows kept any bit of light out. I couldn’t even see the light from the moon. We lay together in absolute darkness. His hand reached up and my eyes rolled to the back of my head as his fingers ran through my hair.
Goddess.
“Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it,” I groaned.
“Oh, talk dirty to me,” Levi said flirtatiously. I giggled.
“It feels good,” I said.
“I make girls feel good all the time,” Levi said.
“Levi,” I groaned.
“I’m joking,” he said.
“Are you though?” I asked.
“No, I’m not,” he laughed.
“This guy,” I sighed. His fingers ran through my hair again, his nails drag against my skull. “Why does this feel so good?” I asked.
“Because it’s me. I know how to feel good,” Levi said.
“Levi!”
“What? Am I wrong?” Levi asked.
“No,” I sighed. “I give up,” I laughed.
“Good. Lay back and let me take care of you,” Levi said.
“Mm,” I said. It was supposed to sound like a protest, but came out sounding like I agreed.
Oh, well.
“What are you going to do?” Levi asked.
“What do you mean?” I whispered.
“What are you going to do about him?” Levi asked.
“There are a few hims you could be talking about Levi. Which one is it?” I asked.
“Your boyfriend,” Levi said. His spat out the word boyfriend as if it were dirty, and maybe it was.
Surrounded by darkness, with Levi by my side I felt safe. I felt like I could talk to him and I didn’t have to see him. I didn’t have to see what look he held in them. I didn’t have to see pity. I didn’t want to see that. I felt like I could talk about Dylan here.
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know, Levi,” I said.
“Do you love him?” Levi asked. His voice, a whisper.
“I think I loved the thought of having someone who cared for me. I thought I loved him. I thought he cared for me. As much as I know that he’s a walking red flag, I can’t help the way I feel. I can’t help this feeling of being tied to him. It sounds ridiculous because I’ve noticed that I walk on eggshells around him, but… I can’t help but think of him. He’s on my mind often,” I admitted.
“So you don’t love him?” Levi asked.
“I think I love him, but I’m not in love with him. I’ve been with him for awhile. He’s been…” I trailed off. I don’t want to say he’s my first everything. It hurt and it didn’t feel good. I didn’t like it. I don’t want to think about that. “It was nice… in the beginning. He was nice to me,” I said.
“He’s not nice anymore, is he?” Levi asked.
I had forgotten about the bruises. I must have been so stupid. He saw everything when I came out of the bathroom. I was thankful for his ability to stay quiet. I was thankful that he didn’t investigate me. Levi cared about me, but he was also my friend, a damn good one at that.
“No,” I answered truthfully.
“I know it’s your decision and nothing I say can influence you to make it, but I have to say it. I care about you and I only want what’s best for you,” Levi said.
“I know,” I said.
“I… I don’t want you to be with someone who isn’t nice to you. I don’t want you to be with someone who doesn’t take care of you. I don’t want you to be with someone who doesn’t worship the ground you walk on,” Levi said.
My eyes fill with tears and roll down my cheeks. I swallow and don’t move to swipe them away.
“Thank you Levi,” I whispered.