ZOMBIE
Kristoff continuously knocked on my door since the moment I entered and banged the door in front of his face.
“Ashanti! Open up, please?”
I ignored him.
“Please! Baby, at least let me explain!”
I rolled my eyes and went to the toilet to shower and prepare myself for the congratulatory dinner. What was there to explain anyway? It is clear that they had betrayed me. They kept that freaking secret from me and now I am torn because it hurts so much.
Perhaps, it’s true that it is hard to forgive the persons close to you. Well, it is harder than those strangers who bump into you on the way.
I felt like I was eaten by my whole being. I didn’t even know what happened. All I know is that I can’t talk to any of them right now.
Dad and Kristoff.
No. Definitely not.
I don’t know when I would be ready to talk to them because I don’t know if I can accept the fact that I have a sister. Well, half, I guess.
Does Mom even know about it?
If I am torn like this, then, she would have been a thousand times more hurt than I am.
I sighed as the water from the shower beamed down my face. If only this could wash away all the frustrations I have right now.
I wish it would.
I wish it could.
I can’t believe this is happening to me.
Was I a terrorist in my past life? What have I done to deserve something like this?
Just when I thought everything is perfect between me and Kristoff. Just when I thought everything is going the way I want it to be.
This happens. Shit happens, as Genevieve would say.
And this is a big bunch of shit I don’t want to meddle my life with. A lot of questions are running in my mind.
Why did it have to be like this?
How could this happen?
Why Bianca Lee?
Why must my sister be her?
I looked for something to wear. I didn’t even notice I was done showering.
Hell, I am completely out of my head and I don’t like it.
Who wants to have no control of your life anyway? It is like I am a zombie. I am. I am a zombie with soul. But heck, I don’t think I have life right now.
I think I am drained. I think I am dead. I think I am completely out of myself.
I looked at the door. No knocks already.
Did he give up?
I sighed in relief. Unexpectedly, I am relieved that Kristoff had stopped. I don’t want to fight with him about this. That is why I don’t want to talk to him.
The fact is I don’t want to shout at him. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want us to fade just like that. That is why I want to keep distance. I don’t want this situation to turn worse than it is now. I don’t want us to be apart. I want to hug him. I want to kiss him. Every day. Every minute. Every second.
But I believe, right now, nothing seemed to be right with me. Nothing is going the right way with me.
I am tormented. I am broken. I am hurt.
Everyone might not see but I wear this invisible scar out on my sleeves and I don’t know if it is possible to heal this. Even the best doctor can’t.
I sighed as I faked a smile at my reflection.
I can do this. Smile tonight because it is a celebration for the successful fashion show.
You have friends, Ashanti. You can do this. Fighting!
I breathed deeply and walked to door. I shut my eyes as I turned the knob. I am a strong girl.
That is what I have to repeat to myself every time. I am strong.
I was stoned on my spot when a bloody-fisted Kristoff appeared in front of me. My eyes widened at his state. I looked at the wall and yes. He was punching the wall. That is why he isn’t knocking.
He looked at me in my eyes. “Ashanti,” he croaked as his voice cracked.
Has he been crying?
I looked away. Don’t look, Ashanti. Don’t look in his eyes.
“Ashanti, listen to me, please?” He begged as he held my shoulders. “I’m sorry I had to keep it from you. I was waiting for the right time to tell you about her. I didn’t know you discover it sooner than I had expected, than what I and your father expected.” He started to explain.
I shut my eyes and sighed. “I don’t want to hear it, Kristoff.” I interrupted him.
He looked at me in disbelief. He didn’t expect I’d be this cold to him.
I sighed. “The damage has been done.” I added as I looked into his eyes. “And what right time were you waiting for?” I asked him. “Whether you tell me that now or tomorrow, it would hurt the same. It would hurt the same intensity. I still won’t accept it. I still won’t accept her.” I shot.
“You should know I am not a possessive wife, but with that girl, I can’t help but feel insecure! Don’t you know how much she makes me feel too inferior? And it even made me feel more insecure now that I knew that she is what…my half-sister? Don’t you know how much I am hurting now, huh, Kristoff? Do you know? No! Because, in the first place, you never thought about my feelings. Never.” I finished as I walked to the stairs.
Damn. This is why I don’t want to face him. I don’t want to tell him harsh words because that would mean that I don’t care about his feelings.
Trust me, I do. I really do.
“I love you.”
I stopped in my tracks.
“I love you, Ashanti! I have been in love with you since the first time. Nothing is a coincidence! I asked you to be my fake girlfriend because I want you to be my girl. I agreed on this marriage because I love you. I love you with all my heart.” He shouted. “What word in that eight-lettered sentence can’t you understand?” he asked me.
I sighed, holding my tears back. “The first word,” I replied as I walked and left him, losing control of my tears.
Sorry, Kristoff. I can’t understand you.
I don’t think I can understand what runs in your mind. I don’t think I could comprehend everything you do to me.
***
“Ashanti, that’s enough! You’ve had thirteen bottles of beer already!” I heard Genevieve stop me from drinking.
After the dinner party, I asked her and Chester if they could accompany me to a bar. I don’t really want to go home yet. I am not ready to face Kristoff yet. I don’t think I will ever be.
Genevieve shut her eyes in frustration.
“I am not yet drunk. I can even walk a straight line!” I insisted. Well, I feel a bit dizzy. And I think I would throw up anytime soon but I am not going to admit I am drunk. Because that would mean I have to go home now.
“Chester, call Kristoff.” I heard Genevieve command.
I gave her a pointed look. “No!” I screamed. “Chester don’t you dare!” I threatened him. “Don’t you dare call that…man!” I scrambled to think of what good to describe him but I can’t seem to call him names. I must really love him.
Even with this state.
Chester blinked, confused of who to follow.
“Call him now!” Genevieve yelled at him making him dial Kristoff’s number.
“No!” I screamed as I took the phone away and soaked it in the basket of ice-turned-water.
I clapped. “No more phone.” I beamed happily.
Genevieve sighed in frustration. “Dammit! Why were you so slow?!” She yelled at Chester. “You should’ve dialed his number the time I told you to!” She is angry.
She turned to me. “And you! You are going home! You are drunk! Go home with that husband of yours and make up! Can’t you just do that?!” She yelled at me.
I shook my head. “No. I can’t,” I replied.
“You don’t know what I am feeling right now, Genevieve,” I started to be true. “I am broken. She broke me. He broke me. They broke me. They took my heart out and stepped on it a million times. I am hurt,” I started to cry.
I looked up to hold the tears the falling. “Ha! What was I talking about? Maybe I am drunk!” I faked a laugh. I stood up and walked to the door.
“Where are you going?!” Chester asked.
I smiled. “To far away,” I replied as I walked out of the bar. No, I ran as fast as I can. Even if it was because I fell every two steps I made.
It is funny that I didn’t feel anything when I fell. It’s like I was falling into a cushion. It was soft.
Or is it because I feel so hurt inside that I have gone numb now?
I was running to nowhere. I don’t think I am going to anywhere. I was crying. My heart was hurting. My mind is going crazy.
I am going crazy!
“Look out!”
I looked at the direction the voice was coming from and smiled. It’s him. The guy I despised the most. Hunter Looney.
Then everything went black.