MOVE ON
“So where do you plan to go now?” Genevieve asked me. We are still at the café and I am still sulking over this decision of mine. Which, I am trying to convince myself that I am right.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I actually plan on taking a leave from work because I don’t think I can handle working with this kind of situation,” I replied, lifeless. Honestly, I feel like a zombie.
I haven’t even been working now because of all the things that has happened to in a span of a single month. I can’t believe there could be tragic things happening all the way.
Genevieve sighed hard. “Yes. I think you should relax first and free your mind from everything that bugs you right now.” She agreed. Of course, she would agree. She is my best friend in the first place.
I nodded. “Although, I don’t exactly know where or when to start moving on,” I replied, sounding sulky.
She chuckled. “Of course you wouldn’t know. You aren’t even trying in the first place,” she replied.
And then it hit me.
Maybe she is right. I will be able to get over everything once I have done accepting reality.
I smiled. “Maybe I know where to start.” I positively thought.
***
I am walking along the streets of Chicago, with all these people. I don’t exactly know them but I feel like I belong. They all have their individual problems and so do I.
We are equal.
I walked inside my boutique. Everyone’s eyes looked at me. I know they are all surprised to see me. I know they are not expecting me here right now because they all are aware of the happenings in my life and I let the Vice President take over while I am away.
Min immediately came to me and gave me a tight hug.
“Shan, I missed you so much!” she said as she sandwich hugged me.
I smiled and hugged her back. “I missed you, too, Min,” I replied.
She chuckled. “So, are you coming back as our boss?” she asked.
I breathed deeply and shook my head. “No, not yet,” I retorted. “I need to fix some things first.” I added.
She nodded. She knows what I am going through and I am thankful because she is supporting me all the way. “I know. And you deserve to relax after, okay? Don’t get stressed out or your wrinkles will worsen.” She warned me.
I laughed. “Oh no! I don’t want those wrinkles.” I joked and looked at everyone. “Nice job, everyone!” I praised them. “Be good while I’m away,” I told them.
They all laughed.
“Ashanti.”
I froze when I heard that voice.
Kristoff.
I breathed deeply before looking back. Hell, I don’t want to look back.
There he is, standing before me, looking really wasted and sad.
“Can we talk?” he asked me.
I looked at my employees and motioned them to continue their job before facing Kristoff again. “Okay. To the office,” I replied as I walked towards my office.
This feeling where my heart is about to explode, here it is again. Now I just want to control my heart’s contractions because it is beating really fast and I can feel my chest aching now.
Kristoff followed me. We sat across each other on the couch. I stared at him. His hair is really messy. His suit isn’t even ironed well and the buttons aren’t buttoned right.
Suddenly, I had the urge to fix it for him. But I fought that feeling. I have to be strong.
He messed his hair more and looked at me in the eye. “Are you sure about your decision?” he asked me. “Can’t I do something about it now?” he asked me.
I sighed hard. “I need time to think it through, Kristoff. Please, give me time to make all these pass.” I begged.
He shut his eyes. “What about me? Can’t you see what a mess I am right now?” he asked me. “Shan, I can’t do it without you. I have been used to living with you and this just makes me feel like I’m a lifeless creature on earth.” He continued.
“Can’t you see?” he asked again.
“You are my life and this is not what I want. I want to be with you, every day, every fucking minute of the day. But now, you left me. Do you think I can make it?” He ranted.
“You told me I need to stay with Bianca because she needs me. But don’t you realize how hard it is for me to give up my life just for someone who needs me? Can’t you see?!”
Kristoff is mad. I know he is extremely angry and I can’t do anything about it because my decision is final. Somehow, I am thinking that if he needed me that much, he would defy Bianca and be with me instead. But no, he was still with Bianca. He didn’t even run after me. He made me leave like that.
And I can’t change that fact.
“I’m sorry, Kristoff.” This was all I could say to not hurt him further more.
I wanted to be honest with myself and with everyone else around me. I am hurt. And I can’t handle it anymore.
Kristoff looked at me with tears about to fall. Don’t cry, Kristoff. You’re hurting me more. “Are you really leaving me?” he asked. “Are you really leaving me behind?” he asked again.
This time, my tears started to fall. I was trying really hard not cry because I don’t want to look weak in front of anyone, especially in front of Kristoff. “I just need space to think things through,” I replied.
“So, if I gave you that space, will you come to me?” he asked. I know he sounded desperate. I know he sounded like it was an ultimatum.
I looked down. “I don’t know,” I replied. “I don’t know where that space will take me.” I continued.
I heard Kristoff sigh deeply. “Don’t you love me anymore?” he asked.
I looked at him. Of course I love him. I will always love him.
“I don’t want to be with you right now. Everything just doesn’t seem right between us,” I replied, leaving his question in the air.
He narrowed his eyes on me. “I was asking if you still love me,” he told me.
I shut my eyes. I don’t know why it is hard for me to say those words when all of these years, he was the only one. He was only love. He was my life. But why is saying those three words so hard for me to do right now?
“Come on, Ashanti. I want to know if you still love me. I want to know if I should wait for you,” he told me.
Those words. I want to know if I should wait for you.
Why did these words hurt me so much? Is he saying goodbye to me now? If I didn’t answer him right now, will we never be together again?
Will I want that? Life without Kristoff? Life without actually living?
I shook my head. “I don’t know,” I replied. “My mind is really cloudy right now and I don’t even want to think about what my heart wants. I just want to be away from everything that stresses me out. I want to be free. I want to go to different places and have fun and do the things I have never done.”
Kristoff looked at me, smiling weakly. He then sighed hard. “Then should I wish you all the best?” he asked.
I stared at him.
“Should I give up right now? Should I give you away just like how you did it for me? Should I leave you the hell alone? Should I just go on with my life without you?” he asked me.
“Ashanti, if you can do it on your own, then, I can’t,” he said sadly. “But if you want me out of your life, then maybe it’s just right for me to give you away. It’s just right for me to let you go.”
Those were the words that made me break down.
I didn’t know but I think I have lost everything I have tried so hard to gain. I have lost everything that I have been working for.
Kristoff stood up. “Bye, Shan. Wish me luck for living life without you.” His last words.
And that was the time where all my tears fell.
I thought I have cried enough. I thought my eyes have dried up. I thought my lacrimal glands couldn’t secrete tears anymore.
But no.
Because here I am now, crying my heart out.
Celebrating my stupid move of pushing the only person that mattered to me the most away.
Kristoff left me. He’s going to live without me.
Why do I want to be with him all of a sudden? Why do I suddenly have that certain urge to run to him and hug him and tell him that I love him so much and that I would be by his side even with Bianca needing him?
And the ultimate question is…
How do I move on?