Our house isn’t brand new, if anything, it’s far from it. The one good thing about it is that we have a nice sized bathroom. I’ve called it my bathroom for years since I’m the only one who used it. Greg and Mom use the one in their room. I closed the door behind me and turned to look it. After I’ve checked that the lock is secured I turned the shower on.
As steam billowed around me, I pulled my dress over my head. I threw it into the hamper and stared at myself in the mirror. I forced myself to look at myself, really look at myself. I can see why Mom was so concerned now.
My hair is a rats nest and my cheek is swollen and it’s already began to turn purple. It’s puffy and my eyes are bloodshot from all the crying I did while beneath Dylan. My lip is cut and dry. A bruise on my neck reminded me of where his hand held me down and hickeys littered my neck.
A reminder I didn’t need. Steam covered me and began to fog up the mirror. I watched my eyes teared up until I couldn’t see myself anymore. I stepped into the shower and wince at the pain between my legs. I let out a sigh when the hot watered touched my body.
I dropped my head in font of me and leaned into the water. I closed my eyes when I put my head beneath the hot water. It cascaded down my face and washed down the rest of my body.
I focus on the hot water as it burned and scorched everything it touched. I reached for the loofah and lather it with body wash. We only have body wash in the house. I’m determined to wash his touch from my body. Suds cover parts of my body as I scrubbed.
“Ouch,” I hissed when I reached down between my legs. It was sensitive and hurt to touch. I bit my lip and washed as gently as I could with the rough loofah. I forced myself to reach inside and washed myself as best I could. I tried to claw every drop of him out of me.
Fear filled me at the thought of getting pregnant. It fueled my movements and I continued to rinse myself. I don’t want to go through that. I don’t want to have to imagine that right now. When I feel I’ve gotten it all out, I squeezed some body wash into my hair.
My movements were almost robotic now as I scratched my scalp and lathered my hair. I hiccuped and started to sob. I squatted down and let myself cry. It wasn’t the physical things he did to me it was the fact that he didn’t care about how I felt in that moment.
It’s the fact that what I wanted didn’t matter to him. I had been someone below him, someone he could use for his pleasure. I’ll cry it all out and forget today ever happened. I sat back on my backside and wrapped my arms around myself as the water continued to rain down on me. I pulled my knees to my chest and hit my head against my kneecaps a I cried.
When I’ve cried myself out I get up and shut the water off. I dried myself off and get dressed. I stared at the fogged mirror and turned from it. I unlocked the door and rushed down the hall. I slipped into my room and locked the door behind me. My phone screen lit up when I jumped into bed. Instead of looking at it I threw it across the bed.
***
The sound of a fist going through drywall woke me. I don’t look at my phone and I don’t try to get up. My eyes are open and I stare at the ceiling. Greg’s home and he’s pissed drunk. I don’t have to move to feel the pain. My body is sore all over and my feels heavy. My head feels like it’s being weighed down. I don’t fight it, I stayed where I was.
Greg’s drunken slurred words filled the house. My mom’s pleading bounces off the walls and I feel useless. I feel trapped in this house that doesn’t change. I turned my head toward the window. My eyes focused on the moon. I focused on the fullness of it and tried to block the sounds of fist against flesh.
One day I’ll get my wolf and I’ll run. I’ll run as fast as I can as far as I can. I won’t stop until I get to a place that’s safe. I daydreamed about fresh starts and fur swaying in the wind as small cries reached my ears. I don’t even flinch as a window shattered. I block out the cursed words he wields against her.