Athena
Till I reached home, my eyes were weighed down. Red, swollen, and full of tears. I did not know why I was getting so affected by the fact that Sebastian had found someone to move on with his life when I thought I didn't have any hopes remaining in my heart.
Or maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I did have hopes. In a cruel way that ended up hurting me.
Maybe I'd thought that he was true to his words that the day I had left. My poor heart, in the hopes of being loved, deep down believed that he was truly guilty for everything he did and put us through.
Not that his guilt would have made anything better or turned the tables. But, it was easier to live with the knowledge that your mate, the culprit who left no scope to hurt you in the deep urge to destroy you, was at least aware of what he had done and in comparison to the pain I was carrying over my shoulders, it was the least on his part to at least carry, perhaps, just a bit of remorse?
I wondered if he even remembered about our child whom we lost amid our fight against the world.
Even my wolf had fallen silent, since the moment my eyes landed on him in the hotel with his new stunning woman.
It was a wise choice for her, because neither she wished to face the truth I'd offer her, nor did I have the least bit of strength to hear what she wanted to say.
Damn.... I loved him.
Yes, I fucking hated that I loved him! It made me want to tear myself apart into pieces that I had loved a man like him and after everything, I still couldn't stop myself from loving him.
It was a lethal connection that still tied me to him.
Neither could I reject him, nor could he reject me— It was just another mystery none of us had managed to solve.
But of course, soon as he marks someone else, the last strings of this bond will be severed. Yet, I might not be free...
There'd always remain a connection between us, no matter how far I ran away.
"Calm down, Athena," I breathed out, unable to get a hold of my racing emotions, my limbs were convulsing, ready to give up at any moment.
"Calm down!" A shout finally left my mouth. My throat burned— The rage rising along with the pain, was a deadly combination— Like a ticking bomb that could explode at any moment.
I gripped the sides of my head, pulling at my hair, unable to process the thousands of emotions and thoughts that passed through my body every second.
Fuck these feelings!
"I hate him. I hate him. I hate him," I grabbed the night lamp and threw it against the wall.
The resemblance of the shattering sounds to the war going inside my heart triggered me even more.
The world was shrinking around and it grasped me like a spiderweb. The air suffocated me, and fire seemed to hurl some life inside me whilst internal combustion threatened to throw me off the edge of darkness.
"Liar! Fucking liar!"
I broke everything I found within my reach. I wanted the things around me, as destroyed as I was from within. I wanted everything to break down as I was.
The toxic urges were like venomous lethal snakes that had already bitten me; It was hard to get rid of the venom and be who I was supposed to be.
Time kept passing, from the bed sheets to the vases and lights, the chairs and every other object accessible in my room, I left nothing intact.
"After ruining my life, you are fucking other women to enjoy yours! What a fucking monster you are, Sebastian," Finally a sob left my mouth, "You are a fucking monster. I loved you, I loved you with all my heart."
Fire— There was a fire burning in a way that demolished my boundaries. I'd thought I'd be able to wipe him away from my soul, my soul, my thoughts. But no, he was still there, as vivid and permanent as before.
And hell, he'd always be there— He had the power over me, he had the power over me, and he always would.
"It's you for whom I lost my child. It's you who put me through hell. It's you who decided to drag both of us to hell where you thought you had the most control but it ended up tarnishing both of our lives," I wished I could stop wasting my tears for a man who perhaps had no remorse for his deeds, but my wishes had never come true.
Yet, I still wished that I had known when to retreat. I wished I had retreated before the storm swallowed me in its deadly abyss.
I wished I had never loved Sebastian.
I wished.....
******
Sebastian
"You okay now?"
"Yeah, I am good," I nodded, it was hard to manage myself to speak or say anything at all. I felt like giving up and letting myself fall into an endless darkness where I wouldn't have to feel a thing, where the guilt won't touch me and the pain won't brush past me.
No matter how guilty I was, nothing would change her perspective. I had built that perspective, I forced her to see in that way and I had no right to ask her to see me differently. I had always wanted her to see me that way, I wanted her to hate me, name me as the only devil in her life— And in the end she finally did.
So what now? Did I have any reason to not hate myself for what I created? No.
I had many reasons to blame myself for the rest of my life. Enough to give up in the fight of defeating the urge to kill me with my bloody hands that still had Athena's blood marks on them. They were invisible, but they were there.
I could feel them. I could sense them; Every time I did, I wished for nothing more than to wipe off my own existence like I had wiped off the love my Athena had for me.
"Thank god, I have brought your medicines with me," Cora sighed, finally allowing herself to relax, "I had seen it coming. Every time you stopped taking the meds, you ended up in a disaster."
She fell silent for a few seconds and I actually enjoyed that few moments of silence she cared to spare me. However, it did not last long as she opened her mouth once again.
"Wait a minute, there's always a trigger behind your attacks and most of the time it's either your memories, or frequent nightmares, and sometimes just the thought of Athena," She said, looking sceptical, "What was your trigger this time?"
For the longest minute, I suffered in the dilemma where I had to choose whether to tell her the truth or just hide it and keep it within me just like most of the time.
But, this time, for some reason, I felt like I needed to get this weight off of my chest. At least, sharing with her would help me with it. Perhaps not tremendously, but it'd take some of that burden away.
And that was what mattered.
"Athena— It was Athena."
"Sebastian, I don't get it," She let out, seemingly confused by my statement.
"It was Athena who came for the delivery."
"What?!" She jumped from her seat, absolutely stunned and most certainly flabbergasted.
"No, you must be joking," She let out a nervous laugh, and I knew the reason really well.
Of course, she wasn't dumb enough to not notice Athena's expression that said her thoughts louder than she, herself, did.
When I didn't pay any reaction to her, and dowse in my cogitations, it was her turn to freak out.
"Shit! She thought we were a couple!" Cora cursed, "Shit! Shit! Shit! This is not good."
"Trust me, that's only the least of what she thought," I let out a bitter chuckle and she seemed to get it.
"I looked like a mess when she came...oh no! This is so bad, she thought we were—" Her eyes widened, "Shit!"
"Yes, it's shit. Shit for her," I breathed out, "She was really hurt."
"Listen, why don't you just go and fix this? Tell her what's true. I am sure she will understand."
"No she won't understand, and why would she? I put her through hell and she has every right to believe what her eyes saw. She tried, she had tried a lot in the past to look past the facade, look past what was in front of her and see what was in the depth and all I gave her were disappointments," I spluttered, "So now, what makes you think that she is going to fucking believe me?"
For the first time, she did not counter because what I said was the truth, and no matter how twisted it was, it wouldn't change. It'd still stand, as strong as it always had been.
"God..." She drew out a sigh, this was one of the only few moments I'd ever seen Cora running out of solutions to a problem.
A few more minutes passed in pin-drop silence, none of us spoke a word until Cora decided to break it.
"Hey, listen," She said, "Just don't think of anything else. You give her the truth and let it be on her whether to accept or not, okay?"
"Cora, this is not gonna—"
"It doesn't have to work. It just doesn't," She cut me off in the middle of my sentence, "All you need is to let her know about the reality and leave the rest totally up to her. She still loves you, and you know that too. She'll see the truth even when she does not want to. Just go to her and clear this."
"You don't understand Cora, it pains her when she sees me. I don't wanna be the reason behind her pain, once again."
"You are the reason behind her pain, anyways. Whether she's standing in front of you or not, she's hurting all the time just like you are. It's the mate bond. So, by going there and doing the explanation, you are actually making it easier for her. Yes, initially, it'd hurt her, more than we can think of— But it'll make everything easier for her once she accepts the truth. At Least she'd have one less reason to blame herself and keep trying to hate you."
What she said was never enough to convince me to agree with her. But, It's not the mind I listened to.
And every part of my soul on fire only listened to my heart that said yes.
I needed to speak to my mate no matter what it might bring in return, grief, remorse, pain or new wounds. I was ready for all of it.
"You are right, I need to go to her."