Sebastian
As I watched her leave, my heart sank, far deeper than it ever had because I fucking knew how she saw the situation.
After a whole half a year of fighting the world alone and dealing with the grief, and darkness by herself, the last thing she had expected was for me to show up in her life, all of a sudden and for my presence to threaten her walls again. It was evident. She hadn't seen it happen anytime soon.
And even if she had, of course, it was more than just obvious that she hadn't expected me to be with another woman.
But I was not.
Cora was not my girlfriend.
Flashback
"You know, instead of cutting a stupid piece of cake I'd prefer you to leave me alone and go back," I let out, reclining against the chair and pinching the middle of my forehead.
"You know, instead of trying to send me back, you can celebrate with me," As always, her response was quick, "It's been four months of your therapies and I am glad you are recovering, and it's a good thing. Why can't you just be happy about that?"
"Because I don't wanna be happy, Cora. I don't deserve it," I sighed, "Maybe it's the worst that I deserve, the nightmares, the burdening guilt and...the pain— It's what I deserve and I don't want to let this go or get out of it. Yes, for once, I had thought that fixing myself would be the best choice, but now I know that I am beyond it. There's no way out."
Understanding the depth of the situation, her whole demeanour shifted. Worry flashed in her eyes.
"Sebastian, are you having nightmares again?"
Well, damn! She got it right.
Her question wasn't a question, it seemed like she'd already perceived the truth. Of course, how couldn't she? That was her job— She could read minds and undo the knots and twists stuck there— One of the only reasons I had visited her in the first place— To fix myself and my mind that understood nothing better than Athena's lingering memories, her scent, her breath and heartbeats.
After a long moment of silence, I responded, "Yes."
"Oh god," She heaved out a sigh, pressing her fingers at the sides of her forehead.
It was surely a disappointment on her side. So far, my case was the worst one she had come across— In her words. And as much as she loved her profession, she was not going to give up even though I deeply wished that she would.
"Is that all?" She asked, wary, "Is that all that's going on?"
I knew what she meant to ask but I also knew my answer would dishearten her.
So I stayed silent, and unfortunately, it offered her the truth anyways.
"You have started it again? You have started taking the belt on yourself again?" She sounded frightened, for me. The look on her face said it all.
When she got no response from me, she decided to bombard me with another question.
"When was the last time you hurt yourself?"
I didn't care to answer so she joined the clues on her own, without having to be handed a single word, "Wait a minute, you are wearing a turtleneck which is unusual in your case....Last night! You belted yourself last night, didn't you?"
"Cora, can we stop talking about this?" I asked, troubled, "I am ready to cut that stupid cake and stuff. Please let's just stop this conversation."
"No, we are not going to skip this conversation over here. It's fucking important," She seemed pissed. More than she was last time when I had skipped my medicines for, perhaps, more than a week, "I am your doctor. It's my job to fix whatever is going on in your head. So, Sebastian, it's high time that you let me do my job properly and start taking your damn meds."
"I am taking the medicines."
"Oh really? Then show me. Have you brought them with you?"
"It's just a three-day trip, Cora. It's ridiculous to carry them here, skipping a few days won't kill me," I groaned, unable to hide my irritation.
"I can't believe you have the audacity to show annoyance," Disbelief showed all over her face, "And why the fuck do you think it's not going to kill you? Because from my perspective, I think it's a yes— It's gonna kill you. The way you are hurting yourself nearly every fucking day if you hadn't been a werewolf, surely you would have been dead from the amount of blood you have lost till now!"
"But see, I am not a human. So this argument is baseless."
My attempt to reason didn't seem to work as she began, "No it's not. Just because you are not a human, it does not mean you don't have human emotions. I don't understand why don't you just try to understand that helping yourself is not a crime! You could be happy and have mistakes made in the past— It's just the way life works. Giving up isn't an option, trying to gradually kill yourself is not you should be proud of and call a bloody recompense for your mistakes."
"Mistakes and sins, both are different, Cora," I bit back, "Don't confuse them. You can earn forgiveness for mistakes and it's even easier to forgive yourself, but nor can you forgive yourself for your sins, nor will you ever be forgiven by the one you have ruined with your own hands."
"You know what? Do whatever you want," She threw her hands over her head, "Go and be a suicidal ass, keep hurting yourself, in fact, never even step out of those thoughts where you have made yourself the biggest criminal. And after you are tired, then only come back, but with the damn answer of what doing all of these have got you in return. Peace, satisfaction, pain or...Athena?"
Her whole lecture did not affect me as much as the mention of my mate did.
One moment, none of her words made sense and now, each one did.
I hated to admit it, but she had a point.
"Look, buddy," She walked closer to me and sat in front of me, on the edge of the table placed opposite my chair, "I know what you are going through and trust me, I understand it's hard. But at the same time, it's important to acknowledge that what is gone, is gone. You are never going to get back what you have lost but you can fix what you have. It's life, it'll go on. It always does."
"She is my life, Cora and I can't live without her."
"But you have to, for your mother who sacrificed her whole life trying to protect you, for that child in you who had been killed before he could even get to live, and for yourself, who have lost everything for someone else's mistakes, for the curse he had accepted for his survival— Care for yourself too. You have also endured losses, I know this doesn't justify what you had done in the past, but at least, it does give you scope to start by forgiving yourself."
"I can't...no matter how hard I try, her cries, screams— They sound in my head all the time. The sight of her tears, the pain in her eyes, her blood....they never fade from my sight," The words falling off of my lips quivered, "It all feels like yesterday. I can't forget what I did to her and if I can't forget, how can I forgive?"
"You don't need to forget, take them as lessons and try doing something good. You don't know it yet but you have already taken a step by helping save so many lives. You are trying to make the world a better place for others just try to make it for you as well," She said, her voice soft and consoling, "And you know that, except for a doctor, you also have a friend in me. I am here to help you in every way possible. You can make it through, I have seen people who went through worse yet they managed to get back on their feet. You can do that too— I promise."
"I don't know if I can—"
"Just don't think of anything. Take small steps, and start incorporating small changes in your life—Start taking your medicines properly, instead of locking yourself in a room, and try going on a walk for fresh air, when the nightmares occur, instead of lashing and hurting yourself, aid comfort to your soul, listen to music, write down your thoughts or take a bath!" She spoke, "Do anything except for that one thing— Don't hurt yourself. Please."
I knew she was right, but I also knew that I was incapable of forgiving myself until the day when Athena would forgive me which I didn't see coming anytime in this life until I forgave myself, I was a lost cause, I could do not afford the favours Cora wanted me to do on myself, yet, for her comfort, I nodded.
"Okay, I'll try."
"Tell me, if it's the truth or you are just saying this to get over it?"
"I'll try, Cora. I am not lying," I sighed.
"Great," She smiled, looking relieved from my response, "You see, I have got an idea of you because I know you tend to give up easily, so here's an idea that you can try on yourself if you feel that way, or have nightmares and stuff." She ran to the bed and grabbed a pillow.
"It's soft and plushy, so you can hit yourself with it— No damage will be done, and you'd lose that energy as well."
"Shut up, Cora."
"Why? This is a good option. Here you see, it does not hurt but you get rid of your extra energy," She hit her hand with the pillow, followed by her face, head, and back and two minutes of jumping here and there trying to mimic my anger.
"So what do you say?" She asked me, partially out of breath yet smiling.
"It's the stupidest thing I have ever seen."
"Oh no, it's not," It was ridiculous that she thought she had a chance to convince me into believing that hitting yourself with a stupid pillow is the best way to vent out your anger, "See, this will work. All you need is to get rid of the extra energy and this is the best way."
Another few minutes passed with her repeating the same actions as prior, demonstrating how it was supposed to be done. Or I could say how hitting yourself with a pillow is done.
She looked like a mess— A raccoon, I say.
"I'd rather prefer the belt," Annoyed, I muttered under my breath.
"What did you just say?" She stopped, her stare shot at me in suspicion.
"Nothing." I flashed her a smile, "I said nothing."
"No, I heard you say something," She pressed, "Spill it out."
"Cora, I didn't say anything," I said, "Now would you please shut up?"
"You know you should take me seriously, I am your doctor."
"Why don't you act like one? A phycologist isn't supposed to introduce her patients to these stupid pillow fights."
"And Patients aren't supposed to be stubborn like you."
Just when I thought I had no escape from her upcoming lecture, the telephone rang. To shift myself away from her attention, I hurriedly picked up the phone.
"Hello, Sir. Sorry to bother you, but we have got a small issue over here. It appears that someone named 'Cora, has placed an order for you," A lady, presumably, the receptionist spoke, "Would mind confirming if you are aware of this order or if not, would you like to receive it?"
"Yes, the order was placed by my friend," I responded, "You can send it to my room."
"Okay, sir."
With that, she hung up the call.
"It turns out that your order has arrived."
"Good," She clapped her hands together, still panting from her previous moves, "Now we can cut the cake!"
Little did I know, the one bringing the order was none other than my mate.
Flashback Ends
She has left.
It was her assumption that she believed was true. And why wouldn't she? Had I ever kept any of her expectations? Has there been any moment in the past where I respected her choices and beliefs?
All I did was just question her, hurt her, and put her through the worst.
I could not bring myself to move from the spot, but from inside, I was freaking out. There was an entire war going on inside my head, my thoughts were in a blunder.
What should I do?— It was the biggest dilemma in this world for me. The warmth of her smell and the pain in her eyes that looked at me whilst she fought hard to cover up how hurt she was from the betrayal.
"Fucking hell!"
I finally punched the side of the door, barely able to contain my emotions.
My hands shook, my racing heartbeats refused to let me stay under control, I struggled to breathe and within seconds I was covered in my sweat. My bones began to collapse, my veins withered and my vision started getting blurry.
My knees were on the verge of giving up. Everything within me was off the rhythm, unnatural, and it felt like this was the end. Something extremely weird and familiar swirled inside of me, and it twisted all my organs and made me feel like I was minutes away from not being able to breathe at all.
Anxiety and extreme guilt struck me.
"Sebastian...what are you doing? We have to cut the—" Cora stopped midway, and so did her footsteps, as she noticed me.
"Oh my god, Sebastian...What happened?" She hurried towards me.
"I am fine," I let out, my voice tight.
"No, you are not. You need to take your medicine, now!"