Athena
As we settled outside, facing each other, he gave me the cup of coffee he had picked for me on his way over.
"Thank you, you really didn't have to--" I fidgeted uneasily in my seat, acutely aware of the weighty conversation that was about to take place. His piercing stare, the palpable tension that hung in the air, and most of all, the very first words he had uttered upon walking into the bakery.
'We need to talk.' Those four words spoke volumes.
"It's fine. It's not a big deal anyway," he slouched in his chair, his leg tapping up and down with restlessness that mirrored my own. Inside, I was freaking out because the last thing I wanted was to lose a friend.
The air still hung heavy with an awkward silence that seemed to stretch on for eternity. It was a strange and uncomfortable situation, to say the least. I didn't want things to be like this, but everything was so scattered and our lives were just too complicated.
"We need to talk, Athena," he finally spoke up, breaking the tense silence.
"About what?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
"You know what," he replied, his tone firm and resolute.
Yes. I did.
My thoughts were in disarray, and I nervously bit down on my bottom lip, struggling to form a coherent response.
"What do you want to know?" I managed to choke out, my nerves getting the best of me.
"I need an answer, Athena," he repeated with that same firm tone that sent shivers down my spine. I knew I was knee-deep in this puddle and there was no way out.
"I can't give you one because...I'm not sure."
It was ridiculous on his part to expect an answer from me when I was lost and uncertain, myself.
"When will you be sure? Don't you see how miserable you're making your life by doing this to yourself?" His frustration was evident in his voice.
"Then what do you expect me to do? Agree to run away with you and leave all the problems and untreated traumas behind?" I retorted, "I'm sorry, but as much as it may seem easy for you, it's not for me. I'm struggling, Aaron. I'm trying to live my life and it's better if I do that on my own."
I knew it sounded harsh, but I couldn't pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't. I couldn't just ignore my problems and sweep them under the rug. For god's sake, my mate was getting suicidal every day, and as much as I wanted to help him, I couldn't bring myself to take a step towards him because of my own unresolved traumas. It was a vicious cycle that seemed impossible to break.
"Why don't you just say to my face that you can't move on from Sebastian?"
His tone was accusing, and it stung because he was right.
I took a deep breath, trying to keep my emotions in check. "I never said that, Aaron. It's just not that simple. I need time to sort things out for myself before I can even think about being with anyone else."
I hoped he would understand, but at the same time, I knew that my words may not be enough to ease the tension because they sounded as unsure as I was from within.
He let out a bitter chuckle, "Don't lie when you don't know how to. I can see it, you still care for him as much as you did before."
"Yes, I do, Aaron. I fucking do," I did not want to fall weak but my emotions were a mess, "Because I love him and you can't unlove what you love, no matter how destructive it is for you, even when you know that it's not worth it. But it's not a lie that I want to move on, I want to step ahead in life and at some point, I want to be happy. None of that is a lie."
"Then why don't you just give me a chance, Athena? I can prove it to you. I might not be the best choice for you but at least, I am willing to try. I am not gonna put you down." Desperation was evident in his voice, "Why can't you just take a step forward?"
"You don't understand, Aaron. I still love him and it'd be unfair for both of us to get into anything at this point, not unless I mend what's broken."
"Mend what? Your damn relationship with Sebastian where he constantly abused you and hurt you for his own satisfaction?" His jaw ticked in agitation and it triggered my nerves as well, "Or maybe you are so used to his abuse that you just can't live without it."
"You are crossing the line, Aaron."
"No, I'm not crossing any lines, Athena. I'm just being honest with you. You're engaging in self-sabotage and labelling it as love. And let me tell you, I can see right through it. You're not asking for space because you need it, you're doing it because you're still holding onto that monstrous abuser!" With that, he forcefully pounded his fist on the table and rose to his feet.
His words hit me like a ton of bricks and I lost it.
"He's fucking hurting himself, Aaron! He's fucking destroying himself, trying to make amends for his actions. My mate is struggling with suicidal thoughts, in fact, he has indeed become a suicidal being, so what do you expect me to do? Just sit back and watch until he decides to end it all with a gunshot to the head. Tell me since you seem to have an opinion about everything!" I stood up as well, my voice loud and harsh.
Of course, we were creating quite a scene, but the few remaining customers around us were the least of our concerns at that point.
"I don't care. I don't care what he does, how he feels about himself, or what he may do to himself - it's none of my business. And trust me, whatever he decides to do, even if it means putting a bullet in his own damn head, it's still not enough considering the number of lives he has destroyed."
"So, you knew...you knew that he's been hurting himself," The realization hit me, "You knew he's been contemplating suicide!"
"Yes, I did. So what? It doesn't change anything."
"No, it does! Why didn't you tell me that Sebastian has been dealing with self-loathing and hurting himself every day?!"
"Are you serious? Really, I can't believe you are the one who is asking me. You told me by yourself that you hate him, Athena. You didn't even want to hear a word about him and even accused me of following his commands and being here with you because of his instructions. Have you forgotten everything?" he scoffed, clearly frustrated.
I found myself releasing a defeated sigh.
Of course, I had no right to be mad at him because, I myself, had not been willing to hear him out. I couldn't shake off this feeling of guilt and regret. It was like a heavy weight on my chest that won't go away.
Once again, I sank into my chair, unable to process the torrent of emotions flooding through me. I felt trapped like I was stuck in quicksand with no way out.
As my restlessness grew more palpable, he approached me with quiet grace, lowering himself onto his knees before me. Tenderly, he took hold of my trembling hands, gazing into my eyes with fierce compassion.
"Listen," he murmured, his voice a gentle balm to my troubled mind. "I know exactly what you're going through. I understand your pain, your sorrow, and your regrets. But you have to realise that if you keep clinging to your past, you'll never be able to move forward. You'll be stuck in the same place, trapped by your own fears and doubts."
His words hit me like a thunderbolt, jolting me out of my stupor.
I did not know what his intention might have been when he said those words to me, I felt something inside me stir as if a key had finally unlocked the doors of my heart and mind— I'd never be able to move past him. I'd never be able to live without him.
Indeed he had his mistakes but I had too. I played a significant role in our falling out.
It was me who had made the decision not to trust him with the news of my baby, instead confiding in Julia. And in doing so, I had unknowingly set into motion a chain of events that had torn our lives apart.
I couldn't ignore the fact that I, too, had been at fault. I had let my fears and doubts cloud my judgement, and in doing so, I lost my baby.
"He was here today, to meet me," My voice was lower than a whisper, "He is leaving the town tonight."
I indeed finished the sentence but Aaron knew the hesitant message I left behind, hanging half in the air.
"And you want to return to him?"
His hold on my hands began to pull away but this time I was the one to hold them back.
"I love him, Aaron. I know, it's totally unfair for me to step into those roads again but I can't see him pushing himself closer to his death every day. Maybe, I'd never be able to forgive him, maybe our relationship will never be the same, but.....I have to heal him. He needs help."
"He needs help?" He laughed, jerking his hands away and standing up, "Are you fucking crazy or what? You constantly put him first and ignore yourself, don't you feel pity for yourself? What is wrong with you!"
"He needs me, Aaron."
"You see his need, and you don't see me? What kind of person are you? Can't you see the love I have for you?"
I stood up and moved closer to him, "I care for you, Aaron. I care a lot for you," Tears began to blur my vision, "You are the first person to ever offer me comfort and the support I needed. But I can't see you the way you want. Why don't you try to understand?"
"I don't think I am the one who needs to understand, it's you who needs to understand. You are overlooking everything, just to run back to a man like him? He fucking ruined you, how can you even look past that?" Aaron's voice was rising with each word, and I could see the anger in his eyes.
"I know he's made mistakes," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. "But..."
"He ruined your life, and now you want to just forget everything and go back to him as if nothing happened?" Aaron was pacing now, his frustration reaching a breaking point. "How can you even consider that? You're just going to let him walk all over you again?"
"Please, Aaron," I said, trying to get closer to him. But he stepped away, his face contorted with anger.
"No, it's enough. I have had enough of this damn shit. You have to decide." He pulled his hand down his face, breathing out a sigh of exhaustion. "Either you choose him or me."
"Please don't say that," My heart sank, "I don't want to lose you."
"But you're willing to risk losing me just to be with him?" His voice was laced with bitterness.
"No," I said, tears streaming down my face. "It's not that simple. I-I..." He once again cut me off.
"You'd always choose him in the end, wouldn't you?"
The coldness in his voice scared me.
"I don't know," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "I just need to figure out what's right for me."
"Yes, and in the end, you'd end up running back to him and you'd call it right."
I didn't want to lose a friend, I didn't want to lose him.
"Aaron, please listen to me," I attempted to get close to him but he moved away.
"No, it's enough. You know what? Fuck this. I am done," He spat, "Now, either you chose me or him."
"Please don't say that...." I was breaking down.
"You have only tonight to decide, Athena . I'll wait for you by your building, tomorrow. If you want to live then you'd come with me and if you want to burn in the same hell, you are welcome to take Sebastian's hand instead of mine." And with that, he stormed off.
With my heart pounding in my chest, I ran after him, calling out his name. But he didn't stop, didn't even turn around.
He left me, putting all the weight of this world over my shoulders.