“I think you might be drunk.” I tried to keep the tremble from my voice. I hadn’t gone anywhere, other than the rollercoaster ride he’d sent my libido on.
“Nah, earlier, I lost you. The light in your eyes died. It’s back now.”
I smacked his chest none too gently to push him away. “If we’re going to be friends, you can’t do that to me.”
“And you can’t keep secrets from me.”
It was the mild annoyance in his voice that had me send him a flippant glare. “What makes you think you get to know my secrets?”
He picked my cup up and poured another shot of vodka into it, before passing it to me. “You tell your friends things.”
“Not everything.” I swirled the liquor into the cup. Friends also didn’t hold heavy duty make-out sessions in the kitchen. Remembering my previous conversation with Hunter had me feeling a little disloyal, so I kept that thought to myself.
“Then you should tell me because I want to know.” I sighed, the last of the desire he’d woke in me slipped from my fingers. Only, this time I was certain I’d done nothing wrong. I was more alive than I had been before he’d pulled me inside. More invigorated than I’d ever been with anyone ever before. “You don’t
always get what you want, Jordan.”
“I usually do.” He smirked and opened a beer.
Even mildly annoyed, his half grin affected me. So,
I did the only thing I could do. I retreated toward the door. “Yeah well, nothing I keep to myself is anything you need to know.”
“Those are exactly the things I need to know.” “They aren’t,” I assured him. Annoyance had
begun to give way to fear. Fear because the big gearhead persona didn’t fool me. I, too, could see things. I could see the intelligence in those dark brown eyes. He could read me. All it took was for him to look a little deeper and he’d see it all. Hadn’t he proved as much already tonight?
Even now, he was trying to figure it out. He appeared relaxed and at ease as he leaned against the counter that he’d pinned me against only seconds before. Yet, he studied me, trying to find any clue to what I was hiding. If he knew, he’d see me differently.
He’d know my failures and my shame.
“Hadley’s looking for me,” I mumbled a poor excuse and slipped out the door before he could stop me. Even through the fear, I wished I’d chanced it. I wished I’d stayed a little longer to see if he would kiss=me again.
“Chicken.” His voice floated through the closing door, barely audible over the music. A shiver rolled across me, not for the first time. But, for the first time in my life I walked away from a dare.
The cost was great.
My excuse hadn’t been a complete lie, as Hadley was standing on the porch with a curious expression on her face. “Where were you?” She tilted her head, almost birdlike.
I gave her a look that translated to, not here not now, and made my way off the deck, stopping only long enough to add cranberry juice to my cup.
It wasn’t until I was sure we were out of earshot of the back porch that I said anything at all. “I was with Jordan.”
“Got it. Say no more.” She gave a drunken, wobbly smile before tumbling into a hammock hung between two trees. All around us people talked and danced, there weren’t grudges or enemies. Not here, Jordan wouldn’t have that. I couldn’t tell if it was respect or fear that kept the drama in check. Probably a healthy dose of both.
“Incoming.” Hadley gestured behind me.
Even drunk, Devin was gorgeous. I’d even say pretty, but that description would distract from the masculinity he possessed. Swaying on his feet, he drew the eyes and attention of every woman in a twenty-foot radius. Yet, I was apprehensive. He would never make me tremble, make me forget myself, the way Jordan did.
He pulled me close and started rocking from side to side. I faked a laugh and wriggled free. I moved with ease, having lost whatever buzz I had when I walked into that kitchen with Jordan.
“You’re a little unsteady on your feet there, cowboy.” I pushed the straw hat down on his face. “Where’d you get this?”
“One of those girls.” He gestured to where he’d come from, where there was a gaggle of pit-bunnies. “Want me to give it back?”
He was almost like a little puppy, I chuckled as I straightened it a bit more. “Nah, it works on you.”
I didn’t need to turn around to know Jordan watched us from the deck, but I did anyway. For a moment, everything that went unspoken hung between us. I couldn’t kiss him, couldn’t let myself have what I wanted. The biggest reason stood in front of me, giving me a wobbly smile. Jordan would never hurt Devin, even if it meant hurting me. Forcing Jordan to choose would be cruel.
I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to force that choice on him. But, I could stop myself from asking him to. Maybe the bad things Caleb had said about me were true?
I wouldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t be that person.
When I had to support a swaying Devin to keep him from stumbling into Hadley’s hammock, I laughed despite myself. “Yeah, I’d say you’re drunk.”
“Am not.” He belched into his fist, his inebriation more evident.
“Sure.” I forced myself not to glance up at Jordan for a second time.
“I came to see if you’d give me a kiss? Since I won tonight, and you lined me up and all that.” He nodded sagely.
Hadley’s expression went from bemused to worried within a second. She cast a worried glance to where Jordan stood watch. He’d left the porch and was close enough to hear Devin’s request.
I ducked away when Devin leaned in. Separating us by planting my hands squarely on his chest. Immediately, I compared the two men. I couldn’t have held Jordan back like this, even drunk. His body larger, covered with thick muscle, I wouldn’t have stood a chance. “Yeah, not happening, cowboy.”
With alcohol driven arrogance, he puffed his chest out and gestured grandly around us. “Why not? I can kiss any of these girls.”
He was right most likely, judging by the way everyone had turned to watch us.
“I don’t want to kiss you, Devin.” My heart ached and my lips turned up in a grimace. I loved him terribly as a friend, as one of my heart-adopted brothers, but I could never love him the way he wanted me to.
“Well, forget you! I’ve got other pretty girls to kiss!” He stumbled away, mumbling incoherently.
Slowly, I let go of the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.
Sure enough, he immediately found a girl to kiss. I didn’t watch long enough to find out who it was, instead turned to find Hadley had vacated the hammock.
Jordan stood beside me, instead.
“You okay?” There was concern in his voice along with something else, something with a sharper edge.
“I don’t want to hurt him.” I wrapped my arms around myself and fought back tears. Devin had been my prom date, my teenage confidant, as much a brother to me as Aiden.
Even drunk, his advances hadn’t bothered me. He brought back no bad memories. A rush of relief swept over me. I didn’t have time to savor it, though, not under Jordan’s intent gaze. But it was there, the knowledge that I was growing stronger every day.
“I love him, Jordan, the same as I love Vic and Aiden. But, not like he wants me to.”
“He’d be good for you, good to you. He’ll love you.” He looked off into the crowd, not meeting my eyes.
“And I’d become Wendy.” I laughed sadly. “I don’t want that for him or for me.”
“I can try to talk to him.” Jordan’s voice was so quiet I struggled to hear him. “But, I don’t think it’s going to change how he feels.” How much making that offer cost him and how much that talk would hurt him, was not lost on me.
It could be that easy, all I had to do was step back and let Jordan handle it. How often had I or others done that? How many times had he handled someone else’s problem? No, no, even if I didn’t care for Devin at all, I couldn’t do that. This was about me. I knew the pain of unrequited love. It was something Jordan had schooled me in a long time ago.