“That’s bullshit.” It was a herculean effort that kept the trembling from reaching my voice.
“Go home, Raelynn. I’m not like you, I never was.” The raw emotion in his voice was nothing compared to the pain that contorted his face.
“That’s the third time you’ve asked me to leave tonight.” I was shaking. Anger, fear, and everything in between jockeyed for position. I was sick, but couldn’t look away from the grief-stricken man before me. “If I walk out that door, I’m not coming back. But I’ll do it, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me. That you never did.”
He stared down into the engine of the Malibu and whispered, “You deserve better than me, Raelynn, you always have.”
“And now you think Devin would have been better for me?” That Jordan could even think that possible was staggering. He had no idea what he’d done for me in the past few months.
I’d be lost if it wasn’t for Jordan.
“I know he would have.” His eyes met mine and it was apparent he believed that.
“Devin could never have done for me what you did. He could never have given me what you gave me.” I forced a smile and tasted salt on my lips. My own tears had begun to fall. “I won’t let you belittle that. I won’t let you take that away from us.” I turned to walk out, but stopped and pointed at the shattered glass and alcohol stained concrete. “No matter how much of that you drink, you’ll never be your parents. There’s too much of the old man in you.”
I laughed to keep from screaming. “You’ve taught me so much. I won’t make the same mistakes I made in the past. I won’t make them, because I knew you. Because I loved you, because you loved me. You’ll never be like them. You’ll never be what you think you are right now.”
I left him with that and walked across the street, for what I told myself would be the last time. No more tears, no more guilt, no more of any of it. I had to move on, for both of us. I’d meant what I’d said, from how much I loved him to how much I believed him to be like his grandfather. One day he’d see it, maybe not right now but one day.
The only thing certain was that I couldn’t stand there and let my heart break again, not this time. Not anymore. I stood in my back yard and let the numbness take me. With each breath, the pain waned. Mom was right, I’d never be able to watch him love someone else. I didn’t know what I’d do, but that wasn’t something I could watch.
I loved him too much. I’d love him forever.
At least I went down fighting for it.
****
The detachment I’d so desperately sought settled in as the week dragged on. Through that numbness, I’d come to the conclusion that my actions, my own foolish heart, had devastated us all. I had to take responsibility for that, own it. If I’d only waited, if I’d distanced myself from Jordan perhaps things would have been different. Maybe Devin would still be alive and Jordan and I could have made a real go at it.
Now, I tried to give Jordan as much space as possible.
Before the accident, I questioned why Aiden stayed with Wendy even when she made him miserable, when everyone knew she was messing around on him. I understood now, that if you selfishly sought your own happiness, you could ruin the lives of the people you loved most. Aiden understood that, I respected him for his choices. He put the happiness of his children above his own.
He stayed with Wendy out of love for his kids.
In the past several months and everything that had come to pass, I’d thought I’d found myself. In some ways, I had. Caleb and what he’d done to me were a distant memory, my personal guilt from those days absolved. Jordan had helped me with that. While he couldn’t save me from this pain nor heal this hurt, he’d changed me.
He’d selflessly given me a great gift. But what had I given him in return? I focused a lot on that in the days that followed our confrontation in his shop. For now, I’d give Jordan what he needed the most, a life without me. It was the least I could do to repay him for what he’d done for me, no matter how much it hurt.
By Friday, my melancholy had caught Hadley’s attention. The little blonde, who had quickly become one of my closest friends, had given me several days to stew before she brought it up. I’d seen the questions in her eyes days before she asked them.
“What’s really going on, Rae?” She watched me push salad around in a plastic container. “I thought things were getting better, you and Bree had made up.”
How could I tell her? I didn’t want to be patronized. She wouldn’t mean to do it, but I was tired of hearing what other people thought about my relationship with Jordan. Maybe it made me a coward, but I couldn’t do it anymore. “It’s not Breanna at all. There are a bunch of things I’m still having trouble dealing with.” It was partially the truth, I couldn’t deal.
Hadley’s hand was warm as she reached across her desk and laid it over mine. “Have you even talked to him?” I could only blink at her, which brought a smile to her lips. “I may not be genius material, but even I can see you falling apart.”
“Falling apart?” I put down the fork and rubbed my eyes with my palms. I’d been doing so well, the numbness helping me to cope with the dual loss. Apparently, I wasn’t hiding my inner turmoil as well as I’d hoped.
“Without Jordan…maybe you’re blaming yourself for everything…” The last part she said so quietly I barely heard her.
A lone, silent tear streaked down my cheek through my makeup. “Maybe it is.”
“Take off early, go talk to him. Aiden said he hasn’t been to work all week, not even in the shop.”
I gave a snort. “He doesn’t want to talk to me, Hadley.”
“Sure he does.” Her optimism fell on deaf ears. “No, he doesn’t.” I let her see how serious I was
about that. “We’ve already said everything we needed to say to each other. It’s over.”
“Oh.” She settled back in her chair. But she was only quiet for a few seconds. “Well, he’s an asshole.” Her cheeks flushed with defiant anger.
I appreciated the sentiment and forced a laugh as I wiped the tears that stung my eyes. “We swung for the fences and struck out. That doesn’t make him an asshole.”
She opened her mouth to argue, but closed it promptly. Then she stood and began pacing her office in a huff. Barely an inch or two taller than me, she looked downright frightening while she fumed.
“I know!” She spun back on me and grinned. “We’re gonna go get drunk.”