A Band-Aid ripped clean.
He turned away from me, fingering through the pages of a parts catalog on the counter. The silence stretched out so long, I began to chew my bottom lip. I thought I’d been shattered by Jordan. I had no idea how much my heart could break when I heard the pain and realization in Devin’s voice. “Because of Jordan.”
“No.” Broken, I didn’t know what to say. So, I lied. “That was a long time ago. He did this to me, remember? That’s why I know this isn’t going to work.”
“You can’t know it won’t work if you never give me a chance.” He laughed without humor.
I worried the hem of my shirt with my fingers. “I love you too much to force feelings that aren’t there. I won’t make you like Aiden, I won’t leave you with someone who doesn’t want to be there and resents you for it. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.” I wasn’t angry anymore, I was genuinely sad and a little afraid. Sad that I was hurting Devin, afraid of how Jordan would take it.
“You’re telling me, this has nothing to do with Jordan? Not even a little bit?”
“My feelings for you have absolutely nothing to do with him.” Liar, liar.
I’d been wrong. As tears rolled down my face, Devin finally really saw me. He saw that I was lying. I saw the rejection, the despair Jordan had left me with years ago, reflected at me in Devin’s eyes.
Saying nothing else, he stalked out of the office. I started shaking when the bells clanged on the door as he left. Alone in the dark I shook with sobs. I tried desperately to find one thread of the anger I’d found earlier. Anger would make this so much easier. Jordan was right about that too, I’d been looking for a reason to be mad. To keep this from being so hard.
I’d failed.
I was still standing in that same spot, in the middle of the dark sales floor, when one of the bunny’s cars went peeling out of the parking lot, Devin behind the wheel. If he was leaving with her to make me jealous, he was off the mark.
A few seconds later, the bells on the door jangled as it swung slowly open. I didn’t have to look to know who it was, only one person knew what Devin and I had been talking about.
“You okay?” The timbre of Jordan’s deep voice was softer than usual, almost a whisper.
For a brief moment, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was the same voice he used in bed. I know I was using him then, using my attraction to him to not think about what I was really feeling.
I snorted at the mixture of emotions running through me.
“It’s hard.” The truth from my lips, too little too late. “I lied to him.”
“Yeah, it is.” He stayed right inside the doorway, not crossing to me. Damn him, I wanted him to come to me. To hold me. To make this better. “Even harder when you’re lying.”
“Was it? Were you?” I laughed and swatted at an errant tear with the back of my hand. “I don’t remember you crying in the dark.”
“I waited until you left.” He smirked, his joke chipping away at my despair.
“You didn’t cry.” I blinked back the remaining tears.
“No, but I felt like it. Watching you walk away was the hardest thing I have ever done next to burying my grandfather, it took—”
I stopped him with a raised hand. “Don’t. I’m positive that was harder on me. Which is why this sucks, because I know what he’s feeling.”
“Wanting something you can’t have sucks for everyone involved.” His voice stripped me raw.
“He knows that I can’t love him, because I—” The words died on my tongue, I couldn’t finish that last part, no matter how true it was. Fear stopped me.
“Yeah, I figured that.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and contemplated the floor. As if he knew that I’d stopped short of saying I loved him. “He’s been crashing at my house the past few weeks. Made a point to tell me he wouldn’t be coming home tonight before he left.”
“It’s not just you.” Epiphany number two. Even if Jordan had never existed, I didn’t love Devin like that. I didn’t want him.
“You sure about that?” He rocked back on his heels, keeping his face half hidden in the shadows.
I turned away from him and wrapped my arms around myself, I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. I sought comfort from the only place I could gain it safely—within myself. “If I didn’t—no, even if I’d never met you—I wouldn’t have feelings for Devin. They aren’t there, whether you are there or not.”
“He’ll hate me.” I choked with pain scorching my heart.
“No, he won’t.” Jordan moved toward me then. “He won’t hate you, Rae, he’ll get over it.”
“You’re wrong.” I looked over my shoulder at him. “That’s what you don’t understand. I know. And no
matter how much time passes”—I reached up and fingered the chain at my throat, the cool touch of the metal against my skin—“no matter what destructive things you put yourself through, you don’t get over it.” I had to say it then, with tears streaming down my face. I had to make him understand. “If I wasn’t in love with you, if I’d never loved you, it would have been so easy to hate you.”
“Rae—” He cleared the distance between us in two strides and crushed me against his chest. “I’m so sorry.” His lips were soft on my hair, but I managed to pull away from the warmth of him. It was hard to do, but in that moment taking comfort from him was a betrayal I couldn’t afford. I couldn’t do it, not now…not for this.
This was all too much for me in one night. “Can you take me home?”
“Sure.” He pulled his hat off and rubbed the dark stubble on his head before backing away toward the door.
“I’ll meet you around back, I’m not up for any of that right now.” I waved a hand past the glass. I didn’t want their questions or their condemnation.
He gave a curt nod and disappeared out the door. I locked it behind him and was left alone in the dark, with silence as my only comfort.
It was all I deserved.