I jerked away from his touch and spun away down the steps. I was angry, because I didn’t want to deal with him. Angrier still because I didn’t want to deal with my feelings for him and what they had cost me.
Jordan just proved he was the ultimate buzzkill. “I’m being accosted in my own back yard, and
where is my family? My parents have no idea you’re here, do they? No, they probably know. Of course, they know. Who would tell the almighty Jordan Slater that he can’t sit on their porch in the dark like some creepy stalker until their daughter comes home?”
Jordan ignored my drunken tirade. His long strides moved me away from the house. With one look at the arrogance on his face, I forgot all about feeling bad earlier for manipulating his emotions.
“I wanted to make sure you were all right. Breanna told me you’d be home soon, so I waited.” Somehow, he’d maneuvered me to the trampoline, out of earshot of nosy sisters.
“That makes this less stalker-like, how?” Not out of ear shot of shrilly girl shrieks. A light flicked on in my house and curtains ruffled. No one came out to rescue me, much to my disappointment.
He crossed his arms and gave his head a slight tilt, as if he were dealing with an insolent child. His arrogant stance only made me angrier.
I stopped short of pouting. “As you can see, I’m fine.”
“You’re drunk.”
“I was happily drunk until I found you lurking around on my porch.” There was no response, so I gave a loud huffing sigh and mirrored his pose.
He threw up his hands in mock defeat. “You’re right. I shouldn’t even be here.”
“Finally, you make sense.”
“Me? You’ve got to be kidding me.” He snorted and jabbed his finger in my face. “Twenty-four hours ago, you were practically throwing yourself at me, begging me to touch you, and then tonight you’re making out with another guy? That makes sense? That’s not you, Raelynn.”
Outrage quickly morphed into something else, hot tears pricked at my eyes. He didn’t know me, had no idea what I’d done or what I’d allowed to happen to me. The logical part of my brain knew he had no way of knowing my secrets. Yet, Jordan’s words stung so badly because of those secrets.
My lips trembled as I spoke quietly, my words enunciated slowly, as I battled back the alcohol driven emotion in my voice. “I never threw myself at you.”
“Then what was that, Rae? Payback? Have you been waiting years to do that to me?”
Shocked, I staggered back. “Stay away from me, Slater.” Using his last name had the desired effect…he cringed.
It all came rushing back. The accusation in his voice, the truth in what he said. I’d heard these things before, I’d been made to feel this way before. I fisted my hands at my sides and glared at him through the haze of hot tears.
There was a time when I’d laid everything I was at his feet. He turned me away. That rejection clouded every decision I’d made after that. Payback? I couldn’t pay that back, it wasn’t in me. Even if it was, I loved him too much to hurt him the way he’d hurt me.
All of this, every bit of it, was because of that moment. That one moment when I’d told Jordan Slater I’d loved him and he’d told me to leave.
“No.” When I tried to spin past him he pulled me to his chest. “What happened to you?”
“Get off me.” I struggled to free myself from his grasp. Still, I wasn’t scared, not of Jordan.
I was angry.
“I know you, Raelynn.” If he’d been afraid he would scare me before, he wasn’t now. “Or at least I thought I did. Tell me what’s going on in your head.” He bent and pressed his forehead against mine, knocking the ball cap back but not off. “Tell me why you came home.”
When I looked in his eyes I thought I’d see judgment or shame, even that sneering self- righteousness Caleb had. I didn’t see any of those things, what I saw was somehow worse. Empathy, a soft look that maybe could be something else.
“All those things I thought I knew about you, made it really hard to tell you to leave.” He closed his eyes. “When all I wanted was to beg you to stay. Stay now, tell me who hurt you.”
“Don’t you dare.” When I struggled this time, he let me go. “That’s not fair.” I was gasping back sobs, fighting a tidal wave of pain and longing. I needed room to breathe, space not occupied by Jordan and all the could have beens.
“Isn’t it? Wasn’t your goal tonight to hurt me? To prove that you’d been right all along?” He laughed without humor, it was a haunting sound that I couldn’t turn away from. He plucked the hat off his head and rubbed a hand over the stubble beneath. “Well kid, you
did. You proved your point, and now all I can say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry that whatever happened to you, happened. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to stay, because I didn’t tell you what I really felt.”
I’d been so sure I hadn’t gone with Hunter to hurt Jordan. Yet there had been something gratifying in the way he’d reacted when he saw Hunter talking to me. The longer I was back home, the more I began to think Caleb was right about me. There was nothing to love here, I wasn’t worthy of Jordan, Hunter, or even Devin. Because I was casting blame and throwing stones.
Because a part of me had blamed Jordan all along.
His eyes were wild as realization dawned on me. His voice, husky with emotion. “The most fucked up part? Even knowing that my best friend is in love with you, I wanted it. All of it, all of you. Even that day I told you to go…”
“Stop,” I whispered through tears, my words caught by the night. “Please stop.”
With his thumb, he brought my chin up and wiped at the tears rolling down my cheeks. “When I saw Hunter talking to you, I wanted to knock his teeth out. When he kissed you, I wanted to break his face.”
“Jordan please—”
He cut me off with his lips crushing on mine.