When he’d rejected me that first time, years ago, I’d only thought I knew what a broken heart was. What I’d experienced then, as a naïve young girl was nothing compared to the pain of this moment. My heart was ripped from my chest. I even clutched a hand there in defense, as if to push the organ back in as I staggered several steps.
I waited, praying he would take it back, but I could see it on his face, he wasn’t taking it back.
Not now, not ever.
Bree got her spine, the doggedness that made her Breanna, from our mother. I never thought I had a lick of it until that moment. I’d lost so much, too much, we all had. Yet, it was sheer will that forced words past my lips, that seemed to keep him rooted in place. “You’ll never hear me say that we are a mistake. But, I will not stay here and be the crutch for your guilt to stand on.”
I shoved my hands in my pockets and backed away, calling over my shoulder when I put enough distance between us that he wouldn’t see me cry. “You know, I loved Devin as much as you did. But, I never loved him like I love you. I can’t change that.”
I dug deep for more strength and determination. “I
won’t change it.”
I locked myself in my room for the rest of the night, crying myself to sleep. All the good things I’d had were slipping through my hands. Everything I touched was crumbling to nothing. When I’d made the decision to leave school, it had been the smartest decision I could have made. Now that everything had gone so horribly wrong, I began to question if I should have come back.
And then I was too drained, too numb to care.
****
The morning of the funeral dragged slowly by. My anxiety built until it was a tangible thing, yet still I couldn’t push it away. This was the final goodbye. After today I couldn’t close my eyes and imagine it wasn’t real.
Oddly, I imprinted everything to memory. I didn’t want to forget a single detail. If I did, it would somehow disrespect Devin’s memory.
This was all I had left of him.
I paid particular attention to the way we were dressed, because it was so out of character for all of us. Even Aiden, as he slipped through the front door with my nephew in his arms. He wore a suit of dark grays and black, and a tie. My sister and I wore dark dresses and our hair loose.
“He’d have been surprised to see you both in dresses,” my brother spoke with a sad smile.
“I wear dresses.” Breanna thrust her chin up in defiance. Her eyes swollen from crying she’d evidently done in private.
“When, Bree?” Aiden asked with a raised brow. Breanna didn’t respond, merely stalked off, her long strides eating up the gravel. “What’s her deal?”
I snuggled against my brother’s side as my sister climbed into my parents’ car. “She loved him, Aiden.”
“Yeah.” He grunted. We stood like that for a long time, he in his suit with his arm over my shoulder, and me in my dress and new heels. Everything was wrong. Not the clothes, but the reason for us to wear them. I swallowed back the sense of perversion that hung over me.
Jordan’s truck rumbled to a stop beside our house only seconds after he fired it up. I was vaguely aware that I would ride with him to the funeral.
That, too, seemed wrong.
There had been a finality to our conversation last night. Riding with him now made me feel like a fraud. But, how we arrived at the funeral had been decided last night in the powwow in my kitchen. If I caused a scene now, if I stamped my foot down like a petulant child and refused to ride with him, it would take away from the respect we were all trying to give to Devin and his family.
Jordan strolled across the yard, even with a broken heart I couldn’t look away from him. The dark shirt and tie fit as if they’d been made especially for his large shoulders. The dark shades that hid his eyes added a layer of mystery.
I tried to ignore the punch of attraction when he approached me. “You ready?”
No, I wasn’t ready. I would never be ready for what we were about to do. I didn’t want to be thrust into a confined space with the man I loved, who couldn’t bear the sight of me. Nor was I ready to bury one of my best friends. I could tell him those things. It wouldn’t be difficult to give voice to the soul crushing pain inside me. Instead, I cast my bloodshot eyes up at my brother. There was understanding in the weak smile he gave me as he pulled me to him for another hug.
I managed to make my way to Jordan’s truck after I pulled from the safety of my brother’s embrace. One foot in front of the other became my mantra for that day. If I kept moving, eventually, it would be over. I could retreat into myself, get lost in my grief.
In the driver’s seat, Jordan’s back was straight and his face trained on the road in front of us. I would love him until the day I died. No matter what words he used to hurt me or what happened from this day forward. One universal truth remained…I would always be in love with Jordan Slater.
At the church my brother, Jordan, Vic, and several others sat up front with the family. Pallbearers, Devin would be their burden to carry, mirroring his relationship with them in life.
I was angry with Devin, a dead man. Far angrier than I’d been when he’d been alive, than when he’d called me a whore. Blinding rage replaced the crushing pain as I sat through the service, committing it all to memory on that flashing black and white reel. I had to push the anger down as the preacher spoke about life and loss and forgiveness. Push it away as the slide show on the large screen gave us glimpses of Devin as a little boy all the way through life to him with all of us.
There was even a picture of him and me at my senior prom. From across the pew, Bree’s eyes bored holes into me. I didn’t turn to face her, instead focused on Jordan’s back in front of me. He never moved, not once. Aiden’s shoulders shook with anguished tears, but not Jordan’s. I let his strength strengthen me and remembered Devin wasn’t the only one I was angry with.
The pain finally came as I stood graveside watching Devin’s mother crumble as they lowered the casket into the ground. There was pain for all we had lost, the infinite possibilities for a handsome guy with a sweet smile.
The anger would come again, but for that moment I let my heart ache with loss.
“It’s like being on an out of control roller coaster,” I said to no one in particular as we waited down the hill for the pallbearers to leave the gravesite. My parents had just left, making sure to hug Bree and I close as they did. I was thankful for them, for their love and support, and I was reminded Jordan had none of that.
I ached for him.
“Up and down?” Hadley asked as she wiped at the smeared mascara on her cheek.
“One second I’m so angry I can’t stand myself, the next I want to cry.” But, I didn’t cry.
Bree snorted with disgust and pushed off my brother’s truck. “Go cry on Jordan’s shoulder, Raelynn.”
I was tired of fighting, of the shade she continuously threw in my direction. I wasn’t going to be baited into more of her drama.
“Yeah, Breanna.” Resigned, I sighed. “That’s something that will make you happy.”
“What?” Her eyes rolled emphatically.
“Jordan no longer has a shoulder for me to cry on, Breanna.” I walked away, waving Hadley off when she tried to follow. Instead, I sat alone in Jordan’s truck until they’d finished with Devin’s parents.
I was rewarded with a stone-cold quiet ride to the spot we usually raced at. He never spoke to me, not a single word. There, in the middle of the day, all of Devin’s friends did burnouts and made passes down the street in tribute to their fallen friend.
Car after car, until the air was filled with the acrid smoke of burnt rubber. There was comfort to be found in the smell of that rubber, in the sounds of the engines as they hauled ass down the strip of concrete.
I stood off to myself, the wind whipping my skirt back against my legs as pain and anger battled for position inside me. My brother and Jordan stood in the thick of it, stripped down to nothing but their dark pants and the white undershirts. Jordan’s ball cap was back in place, shielding the sun from his eyes.
In that moment they were both so vibrant, so strong. If I could see Jordan only that way, everything would be okay. I couldn’t. I could still picture a different version of Jordan. I could see him cradling Devin’s lifeless body, see the look in his eyes as he told me that our being together might not have been worth it.
I’d forced myself to ride with him today. As if to be with him for this short amount of time would somehow ease the hurt. But being here with him, yet being completely alone, scoured me raw.
“You okay?” Hadley’s voice was soft and as gentle as the watery smile on her face.
“No.” I shook my head. “I loved him.”
“We all did.”
I laughed at the irony in that moment. “I loved them both, you know.”
“Both? Who do you mean?” Confusion etched across her face.
I lifted a shoulder. “Devin and he died. I’ve been madly in love with Jordan for as long as I can remember and he says we’re a mistake. We’re over,” I choked out.