I didn’t see Jordan the rest of the week, at least not up close. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t glanced out my bedroom window more than once, just to catch a glimpse of him lifting weights in his garage.
I saw Devin several times.
“Hey there, Raelynn.” His voice softened with affection when he talked to me. Even in the noisy speed shop you could tell he spoke to me differently than my sister or Hadley.
The sun glinted gold as it hit Devin’s hair, blue eyes twinkled with happiness. Was he that happy just to see me? My stomach turned even as I forced a tight smile. I cared for him, I wanted to see him happy. My feelings for him were different than those he seemed to have for me.
I couldn’t give him what he wanted, no matter how much I wished I could.
“Hey, D.” I didn’t flinch when he hugged me. But, a piece of my heart broke away.
“Don’t look like your best friend died, damn,” he joked when I couldn’t keep the emotion from showing.
If I chose to ignore what everyone else observed, I still saw my friend. There was just Devin with his bright smile and the easy way he was with everyone. He always made us comfortable when he was around. He was Devin, regardless of everything else, he was
Devin. The need to constantly remind myself of that sucked. “I’m sorry, I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
“Being back home is a big adjustment, I bet.”
“Eh, something like that. It’s a different rhythm for sure.” I couldn’t tell him that my biggest adjustment was dealing with Jordan and how he turned me inside out. I couldn’t confide in him as I had before. Everything between us had changed.
“How’s it going with Hadley? I really miss your mom being here, but Hadley has everything running smoothly.” As if he could sense what was bothering me, he navigated our conversation to smoother water.
“Hadley’s awesome.” I smiled over my shoulder at Hadley, while she worked in her office. We were lucky to have found her for the business, I was lucky to have found a friend.
“Want to line me up tomorrow night?” I’d done that very thing dozens of times for my brother, for Jordan. It was as simple as walking in front of the car and directing him back into the sticky black marks his burnout had left behind. Then, pulling him up to the starting line.
Every part of my being shouted “No.” It would give him the wrong idea. One look at the hope in his eyes and I couldn’t say no. I would break his heart in so many other ways, I couldn’t do it right then.
“I was planning on flying under the radar after last weekend.” The race would be packed. There were only a few more Saturday nights before The Street King Showdown.
He gave me the classic blue puppy dog stare down. I couldn’t help myself, I laughed. Things between us were different, but some things were still the same. I’d always have a soft spot for Devin McAllister.
“But—” I pointed at him. “Since it’s Isaac you’re running, I’ll line you up and save Vic the headache of choosing between you and his brother.”
He winked at me and sauntered off. There was a cockiness to Devin as well. Unlike with Jordan, it was an arrogance bred from getting his way. The biggest difference between Devin and Jordan wasn’t in appearance. Jordan Slater had fought for everything he had, Devin hadn’t. That difference was an important one.
By the time Hunter showed up and offered to take me to lunch, I jumped at the chance to take a break. Hunter wasn’t Jordan and he wasn’t Devin, nor was he any member of my family. Hunter was a completely unbiased party in terms of my love life. Other than the part where he wouldn’t turn down his shot at a being a part of it.
Even if he’d jump at the chance, it dawned on me as I sat across from him at the sandwich shop, he didn’t look at me the way Devin did. Nor did he look at me the way Jordan did. When he looked at me, I could feel the mutual attraction. But instead of real feelings, his eyes flashed back at me with flirtatious good humor.
“What?” he asked through a bite of sandwich as I studied him.
“What do you know about me?”
“That you’re hot, you know cars, you live and breathe racing, and you make me laugh. You’re a cool chick to hang out with.” He winked as he took sip of his drink.
“No, I mean about…did you ask me out way back when to get under Jordan and Aiden’s skin?”
He sat back in thought for what seemed like an eternity. “Yeah, maybe, Jordan mostly. He’s always been a sanctimonious prick.”
“I can’t argue with that.” I pushed the food around on my plate with my fork. Jordan could be a sanctimonious prick when he wanted to be. He could also be fiercely protective, funny, kind, and so many other things. There he was again, sneaking in through the cracks and filling up the empty spaces of my soul.
Hunter’s words cut into my straying thoughts about Jordan. “But, I knew you were kind hearted. That you liked to watch races but couldn’t care less about working on cars. That you’re smart enough to get a scholarship, but Arkadia will always be your home. I know that if I needed anything at all, you’d be there. Because you never take more than you give.”
“What if I sat here and told you I couldn’t see you anymore, because of Jordan, what would you say?”
The booth creaked as he leaned back, his face thoughtful. “That it’s been fun, but this has never been anything serious, never was. Not for either of us. I’d hoped that we’d always be friends. Which goes back to the cool chick to hang out with part.”
“Who might occasionally have sex?” I raised my brow.
“Nah, I don’t poach for real. I don’t do occasional.”
And that was one of the reasons we probably would remain friends. Hunter was a good guy, but more he was a good friend to me and had always been. Around him I could relax, let my guard down, and be myself. I couldn’t do that with Jordan. The way Jordan made me feel was anything but relaxed.
I hugged Hunter outside the shop when he dropped me off. Hunter was hot, smart, and would be serious husband material someday. But, not mine. All my previous relationships stood as proof that I didn’t need to ever be married. I’d always wonder what if. What if Jordan had said yes, what if I’d never left. Too many what ifs.
Absently, I touched the thin gold chain at my throat. I’d worn it for the first time that day, for the first time in a very long time. I could remember the birthday I’d received it. My brother, Vic, and Jordan had pooled what little cash they could spare to buy me jewelry for my thirteenth birthday. Touched, I’d worn it daily until Jordan had broken my heart.
I’d worn it today to remind me of who I had been and who I was. I needed a lot of reminding of that when I saw Jordan leaned against the counter.