Narrated by Paige:
Right now, I'm at home in my room, the only place where I feel calm. I'm lying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, completely exhausted.
Tabatha is overjoyed because she's going to be an aunt, while I'm still trying to process the news. It's not easy. And yes, I know that maybe I'm acting like a terrible mother, maybe I'm feeling things I shouldn't feel, but hormones are like that. They make me overly sensitive, and nobody understands that I can pretend to be fine when deep down, this is something that's hard to accept. It's not something that can be assumed overnight. It's a tremendous responsibility. And even more so when I was convinced that it wasn't my case, when I was certain that it couldn't be possible.
I've been going back in time, doing the math, counting each day over and over again, thinking and reflecting on the last time I was with Mason. That must have been the moment when the baby was conceived. I try to calculate the weeks, but my mind fails me. I can't even think clearly.
I remember all the times I've drank alcohol like crazy, not just beer or light liquor, but I went wild a few times with strong drinks.
I think about the times I haven't taken care of myself, the occasions when I've lifted heavy things, pushed large objects, all the headaches, morning nausea, dizziness... I remember each detail, each one passing before my eyes like a movie, feeling embarrassed in front of a big screen for everything I did wrong.
"I'm truly screwed," I think, scared.
I've been a terrible mother to my baby. I can't believe they're so small and I'm already making mistakes. I won't forgive myself for this, and they probably won't either. Or will it be a girl? Argh! I don't know what to think anymore. The fact that I always lived my life as if it didn't matter, as if it didn't exist, going out, dancing, and doing everything I shouldn't have done... I've been completely irresponsible.
At least I didn't drink too much alcohol, but I did have strong liquor. It wasn't a lot, but it was the kind that stings. Although I know it may not harm them, what if it does? Oh God! Right now, I'm a bundle of nervous contradictions, and remembering what I did makes me feel like the worst person in the world. How can a woman in her right mind not keep track of her periods and worry when there's a delay? Ah... well, that's me. The biggest fool.
I don't know how long I've been in the same position. My muscles feel numb, and my legs and arms hurt when I stretch them. Tabatha has been acting like my mother. She's been there for me every step of the way since she found out the news. She was in charge of getting the vitamins and even went out to buy vegetables and fruits, maybe too many, for my new diet. In fact, I'm starting to wonder how soon I'll look like a ball. With the amount of food she brought, I think I'll be rolling in a few weeks.
Sarah called me, and I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I went to the doctor. I chickened out and decided to stay silent. Although she noticed that my voice wasn't the same as before, I'm a terrible actress even over the phone. She asked me what was wrong, she's not dumb and could tell something was up, but I chose to evade her and told her I was a little busy and would call her later, using the most cliché and silly excuse in the world.
I hear a noise, and it's Tabatha knocking on the door. I don't even get up; I just tell her to come in. From my position, I see her entering, and I notice she's holding a tray of food, which doesn't look small at all. I don't even know what time it is, but I sit up and wait for her to come closer.
"I brought you a snack. You need to eat well, not just for yourself, but for both of you," she says, reminding me that now I have to take care of not only my health but also the health of the baby growing in my belly. She approaches me and hands me a glass of milk with oatmeal cookies.
I look at her with tenderness as I receive the tray and place it gently by my side, so as not to spill the milk.
"Thank you, I really appreciate everything you're doing for me," I reply with a sincere smile.
"You have nothing to thank me for. I know you must be thinking about everything that's going to happen down the line. That's why I want you to know that you can count on me for everything," she sits beside me and holds my hand, "You're not alone, and with the kids, our crazy family, that baby will be spoiled and loved. Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet, don't overthink. I know what I'm asking is difficult, but we'll figure it out together as we go along," she touches my face and tries to lift the corners of my lips with both hands, "Smile," she requests, "because a child is always a blessing, even if at first it feels like the world is crashing down on you," she says while holding my hand again and giving it a gentle squeeze.
The hormones have made me overly sensitive, and I can feel a lump forming in my throat. A flashback of the moment when I cried with Sarah before coming here crosses my mind, and now I understand the reason. I smile and have some milk and the oatmeal cookies she brought me.
"I know, I couldn't ask for better people in my crazy family. I can't be more grateful," I respond while eating, or rather, choking on the cookies.
"We'll find one of the best specialists in the field and we'll transform the room next door into the baby's room. Needless to say, you don't have to look for a house for yourself," her words move me, and I listen attentively as she speaks, "You're at home here, and we'll raise that baby without any problems. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, you're not alone," she says, and her joy is evident in her eyes.
"I like the idea. We have time to prepare," now I'm the excited one, "Let's take it step by step. We need to know how far along I am in the pregnancy and how everything is going," I say, caressing my flat belly without mentioning all the fears I have that make my heart ache with worry.
"Alright, let's change the mood we're in," she smiles, "We should celebrate the fact that we'll soon have joy, guaranteed laughter, drooling, we'll talk like fools just to be understood, a new life," she comments, getting up from the bed and extending a hand to help me up, "I assure you we're going to be the best family with that baby," she hugs me, and my eyes fill with inevitable tears.
Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve these people in my life. Then I remember that my parents disappeared and didn't even bother to call and check on their only daughter, and I understand that this new family is the one I deserve. Sometimes life gives you tests that you think you don't deserve, but it also brings you spectacular and wonderful people like them, whom you feel undeserving of but actually deserve, because everyone deserves a family, regardless of sharing the same blood. That's what they are to me, my family.
Riley sends me a message saying she's worried about me. Sarah called her and mentioned that I didn't sound as upbeat as usual. I look at Tabatha, who is in front of me, and I say, "I need to call Riley. They're worried about me. Although I feel nervous about telling them about the news over the phone."
"I understand. How about we look for a doctor today or tomorrow and ask if you can travel? If we get the green light, we can visit them. I want to meet Sarah in person," she says with a smile.
"What about your job?" I ask nervously. I don't want to feel guilty about making her leave her job. I already feel enough guilt for possibly harming my baby.
"I'm the owner. I can take vacations whenever I want. Besides, you know I hardly attend anyway. That's what Lucas is there for," she smiles sideways when she mentions Lucas, and I want to roll my eyes.
"I have to tell him about the pregnancy. I'm sure that will make him forget about this crazy idea of waiting for me to be ready for a new relationship, for taking the next step. He doesn't deserve to wait in vain," I think out loud.
"I don't think that's the case. There are things you don't know about Lucas, and one of them is that he doesn't think that way. If you have a child and he loves you, it won't matter to him. On the contrary, he will love that child as if it were his own. As you know, he has his own past and he adores children. He has always wanted to be a father. Maybe he'll tell you something that happened to him when he was younger," she says thoughtfully but doesn't give me any more information.
"Thank you, I really appreciate everything you're doing for me," I reply with a sincere smile.
"You have nothing to thank me for. I know you must be thinking about everything that's going to happen down the line. That's why I want you to know that you can count on me for everything," she sits beside me and holds my hand, "You're not alone, and with the kids, our crazy family, that baby will be spoiled and loved. Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet, don't overthink. I know what I'm asking is difficult, but we'll figure it out together as we go along," she touches my face and tries to lift the corners of my lips with both hands, "Smile," she requests, "because a child is always a blessing, even if at first it feels like the world is crashing down on you," she says while holding my hand again and giving it a gentle squeeze.
The hormones have made me overly sensitive, and I can feel a lump forming in my throat. A flashback of the moment when I cried with Sarah before coming here crosses my mind, and now I understand the reason. I smile and have some milk and the oatmeal cookies she brought me.
"I know, I couldn't ask for better people in my crazy family. I can't be more grateful," I respond while eating, or rather, choking on the cookies.
"We'll find one of the best specialists in the field and we'll transform the room next door into the baby's room. Needless to say, you don't have to look for a house for yourself," her words move me, and I listen attentively as she speaks, "You're at home here, and we'll raise that baby without any problems. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, you're not alone," she says, and her joy is evident in her eyes.
"I like the idea. We have time to prepare," now I'm the excited one, "Let's take it step by step. We need to know how far along I am in the pregnancy and how everything is going," I say, caressing my flat belly without mentioning all the fears I have that make my heart ache with worry.
"Alright, let's change the mood we're in," she smiles, "We should celebrate the fact that we'll soon have joy, guaranteed laughter, drooling, we'll talk like fools just to be understood, a new life," she comments, getting up from the bed and extending a hand to help me up, "I assure you we're going to be the best family with that baby," she hugs me, and my eyes fill with inevitable tears.
"Wow, you have everything planned," I say, laughing because I'm genuinely surprised.
"Of course, I'm a cautious woman," she says, getting up. "Now I'll go to my room. Lucas will be here soon, and I don't want to be a third wheel here. I may be crazy, talkative, or whatever you want, but I hate feeling like the extra one in the equation." I hear her laughing as she walks towards her room.
"We're just friends," I say to her back, reminding her so she doesn't misinterpret things.
"Just because that's what you want," she shouts from the hallway.
I think about her words, and well, she's right about that. If it were up to him, if it were his will, we would already be more than friends. I think he would even have his last name by now. He's the ideal man, attentive, affectionate, respectful, and he cares about me. Yes, it's true that he has a past where he suffered a lot because of a bad girl who didn't know how to value the man she had by her side. But we all have our pasts.
Because of everything he went through with that girl, because of all the pain she caused him, he has become someone who is quite honest about what he says. He speaks his mind and defends his thoughts. He doesn't hide his feelings and likes to be clear. He asks for sincerity when it comes to any feelings you have for him. He's someone who knows what he wants in life.
I like that about him. He's attractive, serious, although he tends to laugh with me. He's hardworking and has many other virtues, but... I can't love him when Mason occupies my heart. Why the hell can't I? Why does someone like him, who is the kind of man any woman desires, come into my life just when there's already someone else?
These are questions I can't answer. That's why I'm always honest with him. I don't want him to suffer more than necessary, and I wouldn't forgive myself if it's because of me this time.