"Surprise!!!"
They all shout in unison as I duck in terror. Are they trying to give me a heart attack?
I absolutely hate surprises and I'd been sure to remind Mary this multiple times but clearly I wasn't clear enough. A part of me knew they were going to do this but that doesn't take my shock away. It also doesn't surprise me that Mary went on and did this anyway despite my not wanting her to. She's the same person who promised to not make a big deal of my leaving but went on to buy me a bunch of gifts and gave me a farewell speech this morning.
I'd learned that her husband at least had the courtesy of leaving her with a lot of money, despite her not wanting to return to her old life. She says that there's no life for her out there without her husband, that was one of the saddest things I'd ever heard. And it's admittedly been a part of the reason behind my choice to let Ezra go. I certainly don't want to end up that broken. I love her but I don't want to end up like her at all. She's paying the hospital a lot of money to keep her there. She says that if they force her to leave then she'll just commit suicide again, and this time she won't fail.
This makes her sound very ungracious but she's one of the sweetest people that I've ever met in my life. She's a giver and her husband didn't deserve her to start with.
So she's the first person I hug as soon as the shock leaves my body.
"I'm gonna miss you so much." I really am. I wouldn't have chosen anyone else to go on this journey with. She's given up on herself but she's pushed me to not do the same. She gave up her whole life for a man and she's never stopped reminding me to never make that mistake.
"You guys!" I then turn around to say to everyone else after my long and warm embrace with Mary.
Their exhilarated faces are contagious. I'm still annoyed at the surprise but I'm also touched.
I really hate this part, I hate goodbyes.
"You're crazy if you thought we weren't going to do this." I hear Mary's voice sing as I now hug everyone else, making me smile wider with now tears slowly sliding down my cheeks.
The past couple of months have certainly been eventful. It's weird to say but I think I needed to go through what I did to have a fresh start and to recharge. I needed to fall in order to rise again.
I've been in the psychiatric hospital for a total of three months now. I've done therapy and all types of things that ultimately helped me overcome my inner demons. Maybe not completely but I'm working on it, slowly but surely.
My mother's death broke me, so much so that I drowned it all out. I couldn't deal with it so I just ignored the pain. And when Ezra came into my life, I welcomed the distraction. I stopped mourning my mother and instead welcomed the excitement that came with having him there. He was my perfect little secret that turned into something more. I fell in love with him, hard. To the point where I stopped loving myself. I'd gotten used to drowning my pain from the death of my mother that I just continued doing that when Ezra started hurting me.
I was a mess.
But now three months later, I'm happy to say that I'm a much better version of myself. I still love Ezra, I'll never stop. But I don't know if I'm still IN love with him. I realize that love shouldn't hurt like that. He should've never let me get so lost because of his actions if he really loved me like he said he did.
"I just want to say thank you. To each and every one of you." I start to say after the excitement of the surprise dials down a bit.
"You all had a part to play in my journey of healing." It was chaotic mostly but I think the chaos was an important part of it.
I'd had days where I'd break down because of the simple fact that he still hadn't bothered to check on me. It hurt a lot, but that only forced me to really move on.
"I came here with walls up so high, I could hardly recognize myself. But you guys somehow tricked me into breaking them all down." I continue to say as they all chuckle. Likely because they remember how guarded I was.
I didn't talk to anyone and you'd hardly ever find me smiling. I certainly was a much different person than I am now.
"So to every one of you, I appreciate the part you played in my being who I am today. I couldn't have done it without you." I'm unable to stop the tears that come with those words. And everyone notices because they then make their way to me to give me an embrace.
The psychiatric ward is divided into sections. Mine only had 5 people, myself included. But we all shared a lounge area, and sometimes we were allowed to roam around the hospital where we would create relationships with other patients throughout the hospital. It was all a part of broadening our horizons. But also, I guess seeing how other people's conditions were in comparison to ours provided a new sense of appreciation. That maybe our situations weren't as bad as we'd previously thought.
And relationships we did create. So much so that I'll definitely be visiting regularly.
So I'm not surprised to see that almost all the patients in the hospital made it to my farewell that's hosted in the hospital hall where they host events.
But as we're all sitting and relishing in the amazing meal that's been prepared, I hear a raucous outside. We all look around not knowing what's going on and I finally look at the door to see someone I never thought I'd ever see again in my life, in person that is. Someone who used to own my heart.
He looks just as beautiful as I remember him. I can't believe how long it's been, I don't think I've ever gone so long without seeing him since I've known him.
I'm so lost in my own mind that I don't see him approaching me. I'm still so used to having to act like I don't know him that I don't know what to do with myself. Do I still keep us a secret? Well what we used to be. I'm sure it can be assumed that I'm now a single girl since I haven't seen nor spoken to my 'boyfriend' in over three months.
"Hey." He says to me simply once reaching my table.
"Hi," I reply to him softly. I can still feel the excited butterflies in my tummy that never fail to flutter at the sight of him.
It's still so weird that he's addressing me in public right now.
"You're that football guy right?" I ask him nervously. Like I said, I don't know whether to still be secretive. Everyone is looking at us at this point and I feel anxious.
"Can I talk to you outside for a bit?" He then says before taking my hand to lead us to the sliding doors that are opposite the entrance of the hall. We then stand by the balcony that overlooks certain parts of the big hospital, with the door closed behind us.
"What are you doing here?" I say before I'm able to stop myself. I don't at all mean to be rude but his presence is the last thing I'd been expecting. But also, why only now?
"I-I wanted to see you, I've been wanting to for a while now but Liz told me you wanted nothing to do with me." That surprises me, for various reasons. I mean I get why she would've said that to him but since when do they talk outside of Bruno's parties at all? Also, I haven't seen Liz in a while. I'd assumed she was still mad at my actions so I let her take some time off from me. Maybe she wanted to think things through I'd thought. But it's now been three months and I haven't heard from her.
"Alex, when I heard that you..." It used to hurt seeing people unable to say the S-word, it doesn't anymore. So,
"When you heard I attempted to kill myself?" My bluntness catches him off guard but he recovers not long after.
"I couldn't understand baby, I thought we were ok?" He can't possibly be serious right now. We were ok? What's more shocking is that he genuinely seems to believe that. But I'm all over blaming him now, I've found peace. So,
"I was in a dark place. It was more than just about you." It was mostly about him. But my naiveness had nothing to do with him, it was all me. It wasn't like he held a gun to my head so I could stay. And sure he threatened to kill himself that one time but that still wasn't the reason I'd chosen to stay. I think I would've stayed regardless.
"I should have known. I was so caught up in my own life that I neglected you. I'm so sorry my love." He says as he gets closer to me and cups my face but I turn my head to the many people in the hall staring at us. I then remove his hands from my face as he himself takes the time to look at the crowd. And then he does the unthinkable.
He kisses me like I'm water and he's a mountain climber.