The wind blows softly against my skin as I take another long breath with my eyes closed this time. Orange leaves scatter the ground and they seem to also be affected by the autumn breeze.
I look around the place that used to bring me so much calm and serenity with deep sorrow.
"Why here?" I ignore the slight break in my voice. The last thing I want is for him to think he has any effect on me.
"I thought being here would make this conversation a lot easier." If there was ever the hardest place to have this conversation, it's here.
"It makes no difference to me." I lie. It makes all the difference. I'm battling with keeping it together, this place holds so many memories and I feel suffocated by them.
"How are you doing Alex?" He asks seemingly curious. His eyes hold a depth in them I haven't seen in a while. I know he's asking because of what his fans have put me through.
It's been a lot. I have no privacy, I've had to delete all my social media because of the constant bullying on my accounts and now they're starting to attack the people closest to me.
I also know he's seen the many videos that have been making their rounds on the internet. The videos of me making a scene at a graveyard. I know why he would think I'm not ok.
But,
"Never been better." That's technically not a lie. Emotionally I'm the kind of stable I'd never known before, at least that's what I thought before coming here. But I'm certainly far from where I was before.
"Remember when we used to hide here?" He asks letting his eyes wander around our surroundings. It was the green, the serenity that came with being surrounded by trees and loud breezes that made us fall in love with this place. But our connection brought it to a whole other level and that was what made this place so magical for us.
That is why it's a little hard to breathe right now.
He knows I remember. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Whenever we felt like it, we'd skip some of our Saturday classes to just sit under the tree of our secret spot to be away from the world. It was also the same spot we shared our first kiss, and where we used to talk about everything.
So I know his question is rhetorical. He did this on purpose, he knew what coming here would do to me.
So,
"Vaguely," I answer him. I hope my expression on the outside doesn't match my trembling insides.
"Look, Alex, I never meant for any of this to happen." Even though I'm mad at him for all that I'm experiencing, I know it's not much his fault.
All he did was write a memoir about his life, and well - people had their own versions of how it all went down despite it being very clear that he was the one who ruined us.
But despite my understanding, I can't help but,
"Why did you put me in there?"
He could've chosen to write about all the good things in his life and the parts that don't portray him as a liar and a cheater.
"Alex, what I did to you. I - you were a big part of my story and how I ended up where I am. I couldn't not put you in my autobiography. I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for you." He finishes.
"And Liz?"
I ask before I'm able to stop myself. This is because of what I went through in relation to that. Of all the pain he'd put me through, nothing compared to the pain of finding out he slept with the one person he knew held a piece of my heart.
The same person he'd told me on multiple times he didn't like. He used to say that Liz was the reason I went out a lot and I was always around guys.
I'm also mad because I lost my best friend because of him. Liz wasn't a bad person. She didn't know about my relationship with him and I know for a fact she wouldn't have done what she did if she'd known.
I'd decided to let her go because I simply couldn't look her in the eyes knowing she'd been intimate with the love of my life.
"Alex I -" I've never seen him so not under control before.
"It's ok... don't!" It was stupid of me to think anything he says would ever justify what he did. I guess a part of me wanted to know why he did it.
This is the first time I'm having a conversation with him since the whole drama with the press unfolded two years ago. He's tried to reach out to me, my dad, and everyone I know and I'd made sure to stay far away from him and everyone he knew.
For a while I'd lived a life of hiding. It was hard but I'd managed somehow. Until I didn't hide anymore. Until he got over it, at least that was what I'd thought.
When his memoir came out, I was at a coffee shop. At that point, people had long forgotten about the little kiss we'd shared at the hospital and I was free to wander around the streets without the fear of getting noticed.
As I was leaving, I'd noticed people taking pictures. And then I was being followed. I'd called my dad to come and fetch me because I was starting to feel uncomfortable.
Dad knew what was happening because it apparently was all over the news but he'd waited until we got home to tell me.
"Hunny, you have to promise to remain calm." He'd started. Obviously I'd been the opposite of that. When someone tells you to be calm like that, you will literally be more un-calm than you were before. Dad should've known better.
"He wrote a book and you were all over it." He didn't even have to tell me who. But that didn't stop me from asking,
"What?!" I guess I needed clarity.
"He wrote an autobiography of his life and mentioned you."
That's all dad had said. Of course that was an exaggerated understatement of what was actually in the book.
It was like I was the main character in his story and everyone else was just supporting characters, including him.
It talked about me so much that at some point it stopped referring to me with my name but rather used pronouns.
"It doesn't matter now." I finally respond after my long daze. We're now seated on the rocks that used to be comfortable back in the day but not so much right now.
"I came here to tell you to leave me alone, and tell your fans to do that too." I finally decide to get to the reason I asked him to meet up.
"I'm in love with someone else now, and I wish to put you in the past."
I feel like my relationship with Cody hasn't really been moving forward because the past keeps following me around. Even though Cody doesn't say it, I know he's bothered by what's happening.
I know he doesn't talk about it because he knows I don't like to shine a light on that.
"Cody is great." He says softly.
"He deserves you more than I ever could, he always has." He continues. Even though I can tell he's being truthful, I can see that that was a hard thing for him to say.
Ezra and Cody never got along, at all. Ezra always felt that Cody had a thing for him and Cody didn't like Ezra because well - everything.
So the two always budded heads, so much that I never wanted them to be in the same room together.
"I'm so sorry for everything Alex. I also want you to know, I'm seeing someone."
That surprises me.
"A therapist."
Oh
"I realize I have things buried deep inside me that I never dealt with."
That genuinely makes me happy to hear. Even though he'd been my rock when I was dealing with my mom's passing, he'd completely neglected himself.
Ezra had been through so much that he became a pro at drowning down his feelings. He'd be going through the roughest patch in his life and you wouldn't know.
I didn't too sometimes despite my knowing him more than anyone else.
Even though we're not together anymore, and I don't feel for him what I did before, I want him to be ok.
That's why,
"That's great Ez," I manage to give a smile as I say and he returns it.
"I wish you all the best." I then say again this time standing up from the rock that was drilling me hole.
"Thanks Alex." He says as he stands up too.
I love him, I always have and I always will. But I love myself more and l realize I can't do both love myself and love him because the two just don't go together.
So,
"Bye Ezra."
I say before leaving to go to the man that now occupies my heart.