"Babe! Don't forget dad's Tupperware!" I shout from upstairs after deciding I don't wish to be murdered by my father.
"I heard you the first 20 times." My idiot boyfriend shouts back at me sarcastically making me roll my eyes.
"Thanks babe!" I shout again deciding not to entertain his attitude. Today is an important day and I can't have him ruining it for me.
I look at my reflection in the mirror a little longer than usual then take a long, deep breath. I've done this quite a few times but it never gets any easier. I do my final check-ups then take my purse to go downstairs so we can leave, dad is probably waiting impatiently.
"How are you feeling?" My boyfriend asks as we drive silently to my dad's house with the radio softly playing in the background. It's a thing we like to do, one might call it a minor bonding session.
I feel... anxious.
"Excited," I answer him honestly. I'm feeling a lot of things but excitement is definitely on the surface. It's the primary feeling.
It's weird because this is the first time I'm feeling this way on this day. I'm usually very sappy and sad. Obviously because I hadn't really dealt with it. I hadn't dealt with my mother's passing then. I'd suppressed all the hurt because it was a lot easier than facing the pain, facing my reality that the most important person in my life was no more.
So I'd distracted myself, I'd compartmentalized. As much as I could and for as long as I could. But on her birthday, when dad and I would visit her grave, it all came back. The pain, her absence. Seeing her grave made it real.
It went on like that for years.
But today? I feel great. I can't wait to see my mother. Because well, for the first time in a while - I'm ok. I'm doing better than I've ever done and I can't wait to tell her about it.
It's been two years, things couldn't possibly be more perfect for me. I'm a better me than I ever was, even before mom's passing. Ezra is a thought that barely crosses my mind, he's a distant memory that tries but doesn't succeed in bringing me back to that place of vulnerability.
It took me a while but I'm happy to say I'm over him and what he put me through. I went through the healing for as long as I needed until I felt fine, and well - I eventually allowed someone else into my life. Someone who's been near and dear to my heart for as long as I can remember.
Cody and I have been together for a few months now. This happened after he'd shockingly revealed his true feelings for me. He'd waited until I was completely fine to tell me and I'd appreciated it. He said that he'd liked me since back in daycare and that was beyond surprising to me. I'd never felt that he ever looked at me as anything more than his neighbor and friend so he'd had an incredibly funny way of showing it.
I had a thing for him once and I'm sure he knew about it but he never said anything. I couldn't help but think of what would've happened had he said something. If he had told me he liked me too then we probably would've dated and I wouldn't have ended up with Ezra, I wouldn't have gone through the things that I have. I wouldn't have tried to kill myself.
But even with the realization, I don't regret anything. I feel that I needed to go through all the things that I did, to land where I am today. With a clear head and heart.
Cody is three years older than me so he finished varsity before I did and he's now working and living on his own. I don't live with him but I'm never not at his place. Our relationship has been incredible so far.
"You look beautiful." I hear him say as we continue on our journey. He never misses a chance to tell me that, even when I'm a mess. But today I dressed up for my mom's birthday so I know he means it.
I smile at him before he takes my hand with his as the other holds on to the steering wheel. He then kisses it gently while he looks at me with so much pride and I can't help but smile.
He more than anyone knows what I've been through. He's also been a big part of where I am today, my biggest cheerleader throughout my life, even when I didn't realize it. Yes he'd judged my relationship with Ezra before, but that was because he cared. He could obviously see what the relationship was doing to me even when I couldn't.
"I love you." I hear myself blurt out to him before I'm able to stop myself. I was thinking it yes, but I had no intention at all of saying it. His reaction catches me a bit off guard but not entirely in a bad way.
Obviously he's surprised at my revelation, I am too. But I guess I expected more than just silence. Although I do understand that's a lot to put on a person, maybe he needs time to think.
We stay quiet during the remainder of the ride I guess letting everything sink in, at least on my side. I do not doubt my feelings for him, it actually felt good to say it. It was like a weight got lifted off my shoulders.
"You're late!" is the first thing my dad says when we make our way out of the car once we arrive. We're visiting mom's grave, it's not like she's waiting for us. But I'll never tell him that. I instead say,
"Sorry dad. I wanted to dress up for her."
His facial expression softens and I feel bad slightly because that wasn't meant to guilt-trip him at all.
He looks at Cody with a surprised expression before a smile appears on his face. Dad doesn't know yet about Cody and I. I know he's a bit surprised to see him but he doesn't mind his presence because Cody is family.
That's another reason I'm skeptical to tell him about us. Family don't usually date each other now, do they? I know his biggest concern will be what would happen if we broke up.
Well no one ever gets into a relationship thinking of breaking up. If we do, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But right now I'm in a really good space with him and I don't need dad complicating that for me.
After getting ourselves ready, we get in the car to finally go visit mom, it feels like it's been forever.
It's a Saturday so I know there outta be a few funerals there, but what I don't expect is,
"Mom look, it's the girl from Tv."
We've just parked the car and we're making our way through the gates. I'm wearing shades and a big hat, how is anyone able to recognize me?
"Hi," I say sweetly to the little girl before letting dad take my hand to walk with me.
"Honey, I told you we should've come yesterday or tomorrow. You know how busy it is today." Dad scolds me softly but I shrug it away.
"Her birthday is today. Not yesterday nor tomorrow." I say firmly so he doesn't say anything more on the topic. We've already argued for hours about this. And anyway, we're already here so there's no point going on about it.
We continue to walk ignoring people taking pictures. I'm actually shocked that they're doing this at a graveyard even though that's pretty much how they act wherever I go.
"How could you do that to him?"
"He loves you!"
"You left him for that?"...
Now I'm never bothered by their comments and remarks when directed to me. But when it comes to Cody, I -
"Excuse you?"
I feel Cody taking my hand I'm guessing to calm me down but I'm too livid.
Attack me all you want but Cody has nothing to do with all this.
"You know nothing about me or my boyfriend!"
I feel dad's eyes on me as I reveal this, I guess this is how he finds out. Oh well.
"Everywhere I go, you're there."
I feel myself getting angrier each second. This has been happening for far too long. But at my mother's graveyard? Have they no shame?
I ignore people taking videos as I give the woman a piece of my mind.
"You have no idea what your little hero has done to me!"
It makes me sick how somehow he's become the victim in all this.
"I'm sick of bullies like you who know nothing about what actually happened!"
I continue to let it rain on her. It's beyond me how she looks over 40 but she's entertaining gossip, especially to do with people half her age.
I've been quiet. I've been too quiet.
A few months ago Ezra wrote a memoir, and well - I was all over it. He didn't exactly lie about our experiences nor did he play the victim. Contrary, he talked about everything. From how we met, his cheating to our ultimate end.
Unfortunately for me, we live in a world where men are constantly victimized over women. I made a decision to leave an emotionally abusive relationship for my own mental health and somehow I'm the bad guy in this situation.
I've held it in for too long.
So as I only now allow dad and Cody to take me away, I decide I'm finally going to confront the man I've been ignoring for almost two years.