We're still very much together. But I told him I needed a break.
Just to calm my head and my heart from everything. It took him a while but he finally accepted it. He said as long as I come back to him. Of course I will, I always will. I realize I'm a slave to his love.
It's not even just because he threatened to kill himself, but also because a life without him is a life I don't want to live. I can't even grasp the thought of him not being here anymore. I've had him in my life for so long that I don't want to picture a life where he's not there.
Him wanting to kill himself served as a reminder of how much I need him.
I do however hate what he did to make me stay but the thought of him not being alive any more is scary enough for me to.
The couple of days that we've been apart had me thinking too much of course. Like about the fact that he would rather kill himself than reveal to the world that he's with me. He would rather not be in this world if it meant all he had to do was tell people we're dating. Or simple, stop hiding me.
I'm aware that a public relationship won't be easy, I'm aware that the spotlight can be great until it's not, he never misses the opportunity to remind me that - but I'm sure it'll be a lot less difficult than how being private has been. It's not a secret that our relationship is going downhill, it has been for a while now. And we both know that it's because of the secrecy.
It's because we're in constant hiding. We can't talk about each other to the closest people in our lives nor can we go out like other couples. A relationship is not going to work if all we do is see each other in private spaces and we both know it.
He never mentioned anything about what would happen once we're back together and I'm guessing because not much will change. He'll still be ashamed of us, of me.
I haven't seen the girls too since the party. Liz blows up my phone on a daily but I don't answer because I don't know what to say to her. I hate that I can't completely open up to my best friend but I know she thinks I'm upset with what happened with Bruno - which I am. But it's a lot deeper than that.
I fear that once I start talking to her about the other night then I'll end up spilling everything else because of my uncontrollable emotions.
I switch on the TV after battling myself against doing so for a while. I can tell it's been a hard match so far by how everyone is sweating and anxious. It's the final game of the season so the pressure is on. I didn't want to watch the game because I'm afraid of what I'll do once I see him.
But when the camera stops on him, I feel my heart stop for a bit. I regret switching on the TV as I stare at his form in disbelief. My heart aches.
He's so thin. Not in a dramatic way but enough for anyone to notice. It wasn't that long ago since I last saw him so his appearance is beyond shocking to me.
I can also see the dark circles surrounding his eyes clearly from the sleepless nights I don't doubt he's been having. The camera doesn't stay long on him for the first time ever and I know it's because of how bad he's looking. The last thing they'd want to do is freak out the fans at home.
The match goes on for a while longer and,
They lose the game.
To everyone's utter shock.
This is the first game they'd ever lost since he got drafted on the team. I can't even imagine what he's going through right now, he doesn't take losses well.
I want to call him and check how he's doing, but I also still need to have my time off from him.
I don't care how bad our relationship is right now, I'll always want him to be ok.
I finally switch the tv off after a very long battle with myself just as my phone rings. I don't recognize the number so I don't answer. It's probably one of the girls checking on me, I don't feel like lying right now. But the person calling is very persistent because they just don't stop.
"Hello?"
Maybe it's him thinking I won't answer if he calls from his phone. I did make it clear that I needed this break. But after what I've just witnessed on tv, I would've answered - without thinking twice about it. I just know he's a mess right now.
However, I'm shocked when,
"Hi Alex," it feels like forever since I heard her voice. Also, this is the first time I'm hearing it over the phone, I couldn't decipher it for a few seconds before it came to me. We only ever communicate in person. So my surprised tone is justified when I say,
"Michaela?"
It sounds like a question but I have no doubt it's her.
"Yeah. Where are you Alex?" Her tone is not cold, but also not very warm. Which is odd because she's one of the sweetest people that I know.
"I'm at home..."
"How soon can you get here?"
She barely lets me finish. And I almost answer but,
"It doesn't matter, I'm sending a driver there now." She says before hanging up the phone.
So now as I sit in the back seat of the black SUV that was sent to get me, I wonder what happened. She didn't sound ok at all and I can't help but let my mind race about what could have happened.
We soon arrive at their mansion but I can barely see it due to the amount of paparazzi outside their gate.
'What's going on?'
The security lets us in and then closes the gate soon after, I'm guessing so no one makes it past them without their knowledge. I feel myself getting nervous.
Ezra's house is a mansion but this house is a mega-mansion. It puts every house I've ever seen to shame. I'm still looking at it in awe that I don't realize we've stopped and the driver has opened the door for me.
"Mam, this way please."
He says and I make my way out of the car to follow him. Upon entry, I'm attacked by a wave of intimidation and inadequacy. I feel like I shouldn't even be allowed in a house so flamboyant.
It's so... Michaela. So over the top with a touch of zen. The perfect space to have a fancy tea party but also have a nice relax.
"Alex, thank goodness." Michaela says as soon as she spots me coming through the big lounge area, she then goes in for a hug and I make no attempt to stop her. But when I see her, I can't help but,
"What's wrong? Is it Ez?" I don't even want to think about what could have gone wrong. Because literally anything could have, that's how bad he takes his losses.
"Come with me," is all she says as she takes my hand and leads me somewhere. This house is so big that our journey is never ending. But as soon as we get to where we're going, I feel my heart beat a mile a minute at the sight of the love of my life laying almost unconscious on a bed.
"Ezra!" I shout running towards him. He's straddling the bed drunkenly and I can visibly see the many bruises on his arms and face.
"What happened?" I ask now looking back at Michaela.
"After the loss, he went and got himself really drunk. And then he went to some guy who was in the crowd to fight with him. Didn't you see? It was all over the news." I haven't been on social media much lately. But if I had been, I would've noticed he wasn't doing well and then made an effort to reach out and make sure he's ok.
I can't help but blame myself for his current state. If I wasn't so hard on him then he would've probably won the game, because he wouldn't have been in the current state he's in.
But,
"Who's the guy?"
Did he just go to the crowd to beat up a random fan because he lost? It sounds crazy to think about but I wouldn't put it past him.
"I think the guy's name is Bruno? I heard someone saying it's his best friend or something." My heart tightens.
"Michaela, will you please leave us just for a few minutes?" I don't want to sound rude but I need to have a bit of space with my love.
"Yeah of course, take all the time you need." She responds before making her way out and closing the door behind her.
"Alex?" I hear him call my name softly. His eyes are tightly shut but I know he can sense my presence. He always could.
"Yes it's me baby," I whisper back softly to him. He looks so fragile that I fear talking loud will give him a headache.
"Are you really here?" He asks and I nod my head even though he can't see me. I then take off my shoes and join him in laying down on the bed, then I put my head on his chest. I feel his heart beat for me against my ear.
I hold him really tight and say,
"I'm really here my love. And I'm not going anywhere. I promise."