"How are you feeling? About everything."
I let myself really reflect on the question. I mean I've certainly had better days but I'm also doing about a thousand times better than I was a few weeks ago. I was a literal mess and it's hard to believe where I am now.
I'm not necessarily great but I'm definitely in a good space, in a better space. I don't say all that to him though. I instead say,
"You do know I'm the adult here right?"
He's 8, what does he know about depth?
"Oh c'mon Lex, you never let me ask stuff. How am I supposed to be like you if you don't teach me?" He asks the question I've now heard too many times with a frown. I've begged him to please not end up like me, I'm yet to give him a reason. Putting it in simpler terms would be that I'm the last person anyone should ever look up to. I have no sense of direction whatsoever, but I'm not going to tell him that.
"You're too young to ask these questions Josh, I tell you this all the time," I say to him. Truthfully he's quite smart for his age and can actually do a lot of things, but that doesn't mean he has to do them.
And not only do I not want him turning out like me, I don't want him in this kind of field, he's too smart. He needs to be a doctor or something. He's going to save a lot of lives one day.
"But..."
"No Josh!" I say to him before I change my mood back to a serious yet calm one.
"How're you feeling about the accident?" I ask him softly.
It's been a month and he hasn't really said anything about it. He's redirecting every time, that reminds me of someone I know. I'd thought I'd give him a bit of time to grasp it all seeing as it didn't happen too long ago. Sometimes the shock can leave you feeling numb that you start to get too comfortable. You start to get so comfortable in your misery that you stay in that state because you fear the reality of your circumstances.
But that damages you, it messes you up so much that you drown. Some people try to make it out sometimes but most don't. Most find themselves sinking deeper and deeper into the wormhole they'd created for shelter but don't realize it's a trap.
Josh is a great kid who's had the worst tragedy imaginable happen to him, I need him to be ok because he's got so much potential, he's got so much he still needs to live for. I don't want the loss to take over him like it took over me when I lost my mom.
"They're in heaven now. I know they're looking down on me." He says and I try to gather up enough strength to not be a crying mess right now. How can someone so young be so incredibly forgiving and understanding?
"Yea. And never forget that. Each and every step that you take, they're looking down on you." I say to him reassuringly as I stare into his brown orbs.
"But even with knowing that Josh, you're allowed to not be ok. You're allowed to cry about it and be mad." The last thing I want for him to do is to convince himself that he's ok and end up believing it. I know what that can do to a person in the long run.
"I'm gonna miss them." He says still calm and I take his hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.
Josh reminds me of myself, except he's a thousand times stronger than I ever was. He lost not only his parents but his grandparents too in a freak accident that also claimed his arm. How is he ok right now? I would've been a mess.
I watch him struggle a bit to pull a tic tac toe game from the table beside the hospital bed we're both sitting on. I ignore the strong urge to help him because he doesn't like it when I do that. He says he's going to be like this forever so he might as well get himself used to his new state of existence.
He takes the X block to put on the center of the board and I roll my eyes playfully at him, there's no chance of me beating him now but I still take the O to put it on the bottom corner and he wastes no time in making his next move.
We then continue playing game after game and I try to not take the fact that he's been beating me senseless personally. He's had such a big loss in his life and I'm hoping the minor wins are making him feel even a tiny bit better.
I know Jenifer picked me specifically for him because I lost a parent at a young age too but what she doesn't know is that he's not the only one benefitting from our talks. Josh has become my biggest inspiration. I want to be ok so bad just so he can be ok too.
He looks at me like someone who's stable and has accomplished so much but I'm the literal opposite of that.
But his belief in me has had me actively trying to become better. For him but ultimately for me too.
It's been a few weeks now since my meltdown.
I'm still working on getting better but I've accepted my diagnosis. Depended Personality Disorder is a mental disability that quite a lot of people live with. The severity of mine was caused by everything I've been through.
After a while of wholeheartedly denying it, I'd found peace in knowing that it doesn't have to define the person that I am or the person I become. Jenifer says that once you accept it, you stop letting it control you and I can't begin to explain the accuracy of that.
When you stop actively denying something you actually start learning and understanding it and thus grow from it. I mean I still have a long way to go but I'm now more excited about the journey than I am terrified.
After only two days back at the psychiatric ward, I was taken back home where I was put on medication for anxiety. It didn't take long for me to get back up on my feet and when I did, I started my frequent visits to the hospital again. There's oddly no other place in this existence that brings me better peace than being here. There's something about broken people that makes me feel like I belong. Like I'm not alone in my suffering.
So I'd gone there every day until Jenifer decided to make use of me. It all meshed perfectly together because I'd just passed my ASWB exam for becoming a licensed social worker and needed to start my hours of supervised experience.
Jenifer allows me a little bit of freedom and I honestly appreciate that. I don't know how I'd feel having someone watching my every move as I enter this journey.
Josh is my first patient and I honestly couldn't have asked for anyone better to start this journey with. Of course he's more than just a number to me, I actually care for him. It hasn't been that long since I met him but it feels like I've known him my whole life. He's like a little brother I never had.
I still remember walking into his hospital room as he lay on the bed unconscious. I used to sit beside him on the bed and talk to him even though he couldn't hear me. I just knew we were going to get along even before he uttered a word to me. I think we were meant to cross paths, for both our healing.
There's so much I still need to talk to him about, he's got a long and bumpy journey ahead of him but I'll be here with him every step of the way.
Helping him somehow helps me.
This journey will be a long one for the both of us but there's no time frame for healing.
So we continue to play our games before he dozes off and soon dad comes to take me home.