I rock my body from side to side to keep myself calm as I stand by a bench at a park that reminds me too much of my childhood. I remember mom banning me from coming here because Liz and I always got so dirty after our playtimes. It was also where I had my first major fall that landed me in the emergency room where I had a cast put on my arm for a month. I'd been in so much pain but that's an experience I'll never trade for anything.
A lot of people drew and wrote a lot of things on my cast, a lot of random things that didn't mean anything. But Liz used to put stars on it every day. She never told me why she did that at the time but she'd eventually told me that every star was for every day that I got through it, every day I accepted my situation. She said that I was a star every day for making it through.
What was so funny was that she also didn't know what it meant at the time. We were 6-year-olds who didn't know what was happening beyond playing, eating, and sleeping. But hearing her say that had meant the world to me. I kept the cast all these years.
I take a few deep breaths and then try again,
"So I know I haven't reached out. I just needed some time off and - no, ugh!"
Why am I so pathetic?
"Look, I know it's been a while, how have you b - no!"
I take another long breath. I'm not going to get anywhere if I'm unnecessarily being hard on myself. But also, she's going to be here any minute now and I need to get myself together. I close my eyes for a few seconds, then try again,
"Hey Liz, I just want to apologize for my absence these past few years. I know you've dealt with so much and I wasn't there for you. You didn't at all deserve how I treated you and I'm sorry that I'm selfish and I only think about my own happiness."
I heard about her mother's accident a few months ago. I wanted to reach out but well - pride. I know she's ok now but I feel crappy for not deciding to put my pride aside when my friend needed me. Whatever issues I had with her should've died then and there. I know she would've been there for me if the roles were switched. SoI don't expect her to forgive me but that won't stop me from trying nonetheless.
"I'm the selfish one here."
I almost jump when I hear her voice behind me. When did she get here?
I then turn around and,
"Liz... I - you weren't supposed to hear that - I, Uhm - hi." I say chaotically, clearly not expecting her to be here right now.
Why is my heart racing? This used to be the one person who brought so much calm in my heart but she's now ensuing the opposite.
"I'm glad I did, it was lovely to hear but I want you to know that I'm not mad at you. And I get why you were. I'd be upset with me too. You were hurting and in pain for years and I didn't see that. What kind of a friend did that make me?"
It's beyond me how years later she still blames herself. But we're not going to get anywhere if I continue to disagree with her. So,
"I miss you."
I really do, more than words could ever describe. Liz was the light to my darkness. Her absence was deeply felt.
I take a moment to look at how beautiful she looks. Dressed so simple but she could rival any supermodel.
"I miss you too." I hear her say back to me with a giggle then she comes closer to give me an embrace I happily welcome. I feel the familiar warmth of her presence fill me up inside.
We stand there hugging for a while before we let go and sit down on our childhood bench.
"How's your mom?" is the first thing I ask after we're comfortably seated. I finally feel comfortable around her again instead of on edge.
Liz's mother had a bike accident a few months ago that landed her in hospital for a few weeks. Just like her daughter, Mrs. Clark is a very known figure, so the news about her fall was already everywhere by the time she made it to the hospital.
"Oh you know mom, she's already back to riding again. I stopped forcing her not to because that was a battle I was never going to win." She says and I smile.
The older Clark has always been into working out, I wouldn't imagine anything stopping her from continuing with her fitness. Plus she's as stubborn as her daughter.
"Hmm, that sounds familiar." I joke earning a light shove from her.
"She's doing great. One would say better than ever. I think when you go through something like that, it kinda wakes you up y'know?" She says now getting serious. I of course don't miss the caution in her tone. I know why she's being like this but I don't shine a light on it. I know she doesn't mean it in a bad way.
"How've you been Lexie, since everything?" She then asks using a nickname I'd forgotten all about. I'm then reminded I haven't really seen her much since I came out of the psychiatric ward two years ago.
"Well I haven't made any other attempts," I say jokingly but she barely gives a laugh. She gives a forced smile instead.
This is something I'm now joking about for my own mental peace but people don't always get it... understandably.
That's why,
"I'm sorry I do that sometimes, it's a joke. I've been great. I'm with Cody now."
I reveal to her but she hardly looks surprised and that surprises me.
"Yea, I know."
She says and I only remember now that I blurted it out on the video of my meltdown that went viral.
What I don't at all expect is her follow up question,
"Are y'all like exclusive?"
"Uh. It's... complicated."
She asked like someone who knew something, that's why I can't help but,
"Why?"
"Uhh..."
She looks uncomfortable.
"It's ok you can tell me. We're not exclusive." I admit just to make this easier for her.
"I know a girl who knows a girl who's got a thing with him."
Even though I know what Cody and I are and I know he's seeing other people, it's always such a stab in the back when I hear about these other girls he's seeing. Obviously this is someone I feel a lot for, it sucks. But I understand he needs to figure himself out.
That's why,
"We're not really monogamous." Well, he's not.
"But it's ok. I know about it and he's got my approval. I'm letting him express himself." I finish.
I wish I could explain Liz's facial expression at my confession. The best I could say is a combination of disappointment, non-judgment but also, judgment. On top of all that, you can see she's trying really hard to be void of emotion. She fails miserably.
I already know what she's thinking, and I know she won't say it because obviously we're still kind of walking on eggshells with each other. She won't say anything that could possibly jeopardize our reunion.
She doesn't get it, I don't expect anyone to.
People don't understand complicated. As soon as things start to get a little complex they want to bail, but that's not who I am.
I don't believe in running away when things start to get tough. I think that that's when you build a stronger foundation. The harder things get in the relationship, the stronger you become as a couple.
I know Cody will get over this phase one day, and when he does I'll be here waiting for him. Because that's what love is. Love is patience.
"Oh," is all she manages to say to me after a while.