"You left me no choice, how can you put me in such a position?" I remove the phone from my ear as he continues to shout.
"That was really stupid, don't you care at all about anyone but yourself? I would never put you in such a position Alex." He says for the umpteenth time now. I'm exhausted.
"I'm sorry," I say to him. I need him to stop so I'll say anything.
I've been on the phone surely for more than 30 minutes now just listening to him tell him how stupid what I did last night at Ashley's party was. He says that I should've known he was going to do that because my actions were uncalled for. This comes after he'd been ignoring my calls the whole of last night and today.
I came back home and I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. When I left Ashley's party, I was a laughing stock. People called me pathetic and desperate, all because yet again - he refused me. And somehow I'm the one who needs to apologize.
"Do you think saying you're sorry is gonna change anything?"
No, but I was hoping it would make you stop. My ears hurt.
"What do you want me to say?" I really just want to sleep. I don't care about any of this anymore. I don't care that he's probably dating her or that he would rather the world think he's with her than with me. I don't care that he didn't answer any of my calls but he answered hers on the first ring.
"I just want you to acknowledge the stupidity of your actions. What if someone had recorded you Alex?!"
I don't make effort to answer that because I know it's rhetorical. But that doesn't stop him from,
"Oh now you're deaf?"
I genuinely don't know what he wants from me. I feel like a kid being yelled at by their parent.
I still choose to keep quiet and let him continue on his rant, clearly he needs it.
I don't even get why he's mad. I'm the one who got humiliated in front of a bunch of people I thought were my friends. I guess the good that came out of that is I know the kind of people I'd kept in my life.
That of course doesn't include Liz and Ashley as they'd been blowing up my phone with calls and messages checking if I'm ok. I'm not. I haven't been in for a while.
I'm too caught up in my own mental rant that I don't realize he'd hung up on me, I wish I could say that's new.
I get off my bed after putting my phone on the charger to go to the kitchen. I'm thirsty and I need to walk a bit to recharge. I feel like I'd been sitting listening to him yell at me for hours.
My trip to go get myself a glass of water isn't long and I'm soon back on my bed staring at nothing.
Am I crazy to want the love of my life to want to show me off just like I want to show him off so bad? Is it crazy that all the bad he's done to me doesn't at all change the love I have for him?
He says if I love him I'll understand but if he loves me wouldn't he want to make me happy? Wouldn't he just stop doing the one thing he knows prohibits our growth as a couple?
It makes no sense to me, and that's why I'm forced to think of the worst. The things I would've never thought about before. Like him possibly not only cheating, but maybe being in love with someone else. That would make more sense why he'd want to ruin so many years of our love.
I know for a fact that he did love me. Not just because he'd said it but I always felt it. By the way he'd looked at me and the way he would treat me. So that was never something I ever questioned. But love does change, doesn't it?
Maybe he's right though. I guess being public would mean having paparazzi on my doorstep and constant bullying from his many internet wives.
I slide my hand under the pillow next to me to retrieve my blade after a while of just sitting. The reason it's there is because dad almost caught me the other day. He wouldn't understand, no one would. The pain I feel has so far only been able to be healed by it.
'I love you forever and always.'
I text him before I close my eyes. Even though he doesn't always believe that, I really do. And I never miss the chance to remind him no matter how mad he is.
We've been through a lot together, but we've always been able to bounce back from whatever turbulences we go through. So I know we'll get through this. I know he'll love me again.
I start drawing lines, straight and not so straight lines. Sequential and non-sequential. It doesn't matter, nothing does. I feel like if he's not with me then what's the point? The skin on my wrist seems to enjoy the sharpness of my blade, almost as much as I do. I let my tears fall down, mashing perfectly with the liquid of my blood.
I'm a little bit rough today but that's only because I feel extra numb.
I feel myself getting dizzy but I don't stop because it feels good, it feels really good.
Until it feels nothing and everything goes dark.
————
"Alex!"
"Alex!"
"Alex wake up!!"
"What?!!!"
I practically scream at my intruder. Who dares to wake me up?
"Dude, what's wrong with you? I've been waking you up for almost half an hour, I thought you were dead." He says dramatically making me roll my eyes. He likes to exaggerate.
"Well I'm not dead, get off my bed!" I say to him annoyingly. I hate getting woken up unnecessarily and he of all people should know this.
"Your dad said I should check on you because you weren't answering your phone."
Yeah I know, I was purposely ignoring his calls because he always calls nonstop when he's away for work. He's literally been gone for less than a day.
"What are you? His little puppet?" If he wants to be besties with my dad that's fine, but he must do it away from me.
"You're just jealous because he likes me more than you?"
Cody is a weirdo.
"Eww."
Who even says that?
"Go away Cody!"
I'm getting irritated.
"Alex?!"
Oh great! Why don't we invite the rest of the neighborhood to annoy me off the bed?
"Still in bed!" I shout back sarcastically to my second intruder downstairs. What is wrong with people today? Seriously!
"Breakfast is ready!" I hear her shout again but this time I don't get annoyed, I jump off the bed because I didn't how hungry I was until I heard the word breakfast.
I make my way downstairs to the kitchen with Cody trailing behind me.
"Alex, go back upstairs and get ready. Your food's not going anywhere."
"But mom!"
Seriously, why do people hate me so much this morning?
"I told you I don't need Saturday classes anymore, my grades are improving." I explain as she hands over a plate to Cody who wastes no time digging in.
Not fair.
I know I'd fallen off a bit academically but I'm now recovering again so I don't need the classes anymore.
So as I make my way back upstairs to get ready, I stomp my feet just so she knows I'm not happy. I get in my room and I'm surprised when she walks in too a few moments later and then closes the door behind her.
"Hunny," her voice is now soft and soothing.
"I know I'm hard on you. But your Saturday classes are more than just about improving your grades. Going there is a life lesson that sometimes you have to do the things you absolutely dread but that ultimately provides you with growth." She says and I can't help but smile at that.
"I know it sucks right now, but you're going to look back one day and be thankful for that one thing you got taught in that one class that you didn't want to go to but you did anyway." She finishes.
That's my mom alright. She's incredible, I would be lost without her.
My frown turns upside down as I hug her and then stand up to get ready for my classes.
———
"Mom?!"
"Mom!?"
"Moooom!!"
I practically scream when I see myself attached to drips. A lot of drips.
What is happening?
"Alex Hunny hey. Calm down baby, I'm here!"
"Where's mom?" I can barely hear my voice as I talk.
"Sweetheart are you feeling ok?" My dad asks now putting the back of his hand on my forehead.
"Where is she?" She's the only person I want to see right now. She's my calm.
"Baby, mom is in heaven remember?"