"So what about the many ladies sitting at home watching this, is there a lucky lady occupying your heart right now?"
The crowd cheers as he blushes before answering,
"Not at this moment, no." the crowd somehow manages to scream even louder than before at his response. I'm not really mad because the whole point of us hiding our relationship is so people think he's single. This is not the first time he's giving this kind of interview. It used to hurt until it didn't anymore.
So it doesn't surprise me, what surprises me instead is his response after being asked if there's a potential someone.
"There might be yeah."
That's certainly a new one.
I'm pretty sure he's not talking about me. Is he saying that so people don't hit on him or is it because there really is a potential someone? This is not an answer he's given before, he usually says that his work doesn't allow him to date. They'd all boo at that but wouldn't ask any further questions. It worked. So I can't help but overthink this.
In the past I wouldn't have even entertained the idea of there being someone else, that's how secure I was. That's how happy he made me. Yes I wasn't happy about the secrecy but I never would've thought him to cheat on me. But now that he's already done that I can't seem to slow my mind down.
Now I don't know anymore. I don't know him anymore. It's like every day that he's famous he's becoming a different person. A person who's the literal opposite of him. Is it the fame? Is it the money? Or is it simply that he's not into me anymore?
"Oh I see, and who might this lovely lady be?"
I'm beginning to think they pay the crowd to make unnecessary noises because wow. Literally anything he's said they've cheered. Maybe I'm just jealous.
That they're with him and I can't seem to have his attention for more than 5 minutes. I know he's busy though.
"I can't say now Lucy, but just know she's a very special lady."
I decide to switch off the TV, I've seen enough. I also hate that watching this has my mind going on a frenzy.
I haven't seen him since the little get-together with his friends, that was last week. He calls every now and then to check on me but we don't speak much. It's usually just chitchat until he says he needs to go somewhere or someone's coming. I'm not allowed to call him anymore because he doesn't want someone suspecting anything. So I just wait for him to call me, whenever he feels like it. It hasn't been that often anymore. And when he calls, of course I have to make myself available. No matter what I'm doing. Partly because he'll overreact unnecessarily when I don't but also because I never know when or if he'll ever call again so I choose to take any and every advantage of every phone call.
I want to say I'm slowly letting go, but I'm not. He's still the center of my universe, unfortunately. I want so bad to fall out of love with him, that way the blow will be easier when he inevitably breaks up with me.
I wonder how much longer he's going to keep me around, at the rate we're going in I don't think it'll be much longer. I can feel him slipping. With all the girls that are running around him, I'm surprised this hasn't happened already.
Maybe that's something that needs to happen. It'll break my heart into a million pieces and I'm sure I'll never be able to love again after that, but I guess the sooner it happens the sooner I get over it. It'll hurt until it doesn't anymore, that's weirdly become my mantra.
It really helps with moving on from pain, but I'll be lying if I said I'm not starting to become a slave to it. I've allowed too much pain to filter inside of me. So much so that I'm kind of starting to enjoy it a little. The physical pain.
That is why,
I pick up the razor blade on my bedside table that I found a few days ago laying around the house. I run it along my finger slowly. The edgy contact excites me.
I wonder what he's doing right now, who he's with. Is he thinking about me?
I move the blade to the center part of my hand now making small cuts there. I welcome the pleasure in the pain it brings. It's different from the emotional pain that I've now gotten used to. It makes me feel not so numb anymore.
I do this for a while longer before I hear my dad shout,
"Sweetheart," from downstairs.
I quickly hide the blade under my pillow and then rush to my bathroom to wash off the blood. There's so much of it that I'm shocked at myself. This is the most I've done. Maybe I should stop before...
"Yes dad?" I shout back now making my way to him. That's only after putting on Ezra's big hoodie that hides away all my cuts.
"Liz is here to get you."
I've been cooped up in the house again the past couple of days. I know Liz is worried about me even though she doesn't ask what's happening anymore. So I'm not surprised when I see her standing by the door. I haven't been answering her calls.
"Hey Missy," she says as I go in for a hug.
"Ready to go?"
"Go where?"
"Don't you remember? It's Ashley's birthday."
Oh damn. I forgot all about that.
"Can't you tell her I can't make it?"
I really don't feel like celebrating anything right now.
"Nope, I already told her I'm picking you up." She says making me sigh.
She can force me to go to the party but she can't force me to dress up for it. So when I come back from upstairs after getting myself ready, I see her rolling her eyes at my outfit but she doesn't say anything.
I'm wearing the same hoodie I was wearing, I just changed my shorts into jeans and put on a pair of white sneakers.
I guess the great thing about Ashley's birthday party is that the boys aren't going to be there. Ashley is not too different from me, we're both not very popular yet have popular friends.
So I know Ezra's definitely not going to be there, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know her name.
"Happy birthday Hunny," I say to my second closest friend as I kiss her on the cheek once we've made it to her place.
"Thanks Alex," she says giving me her charming dimply smile that I happily return. She's definitely one of the few people I don't have to be fake with. Our connection is genuine, I can't say that about a lot of people.
Soon we're all seated in her backyard playing board games and some are just scattered around just chatting and drinking lemon juice. This is another thing I like about her party, it's nothing like all the other parties we've been going to.
It's such a chilled vibe where the music isn't loud, teenagers aren't swaying their sweaty bodies against each other and there's no alcohol. I'm surprised everyone is still here and enjoying themselves. But I guess that's just how much everyone loves Ashley, she's such a genuine soul to be around.
"He's so amazing," I try really hard to block out Olivia's voice as she continues to tell everyone about Ezra. I ignore the deep urge to roll my eyes at her. She's talking about some stupid connection she has with him and how it's undeniable.
Lies, lies, lies.
She's claiming that they're dating. That's impossible!
"He's dating me!" I say before I'm able to stop myself. I really thought I was still just thinking, I had no intention whatsoever of blurting that out. Everyone looks at me like I grew a third eye on my forehead and I put my head down slightly in effort to not see their judgmental and clearly entertained faces. Is it really that hard to believe?
"Excuses you?" Olivia asks after a while of everyone just staring at me. I didn't even realize how loud my comment was. The music is stopped at this point and everyone at the party is now looking at us - at me. It's too late to take it back now. So,
"You heard me. There's no way he's dating you because he's dating me." I say matter of factly. I'm tired of her lying to everyone about my man. My man!
She laughs. Really hard. Then soon everyone joins her.
"Fine! Let's call him." I say already taking out my phone to dial his number. Everyone is looking at me like I'm a joke and I hate it. I'm deciding that everyone will know the truth, whether he likes it or not.
But the phone rings and rings and rings then goes to voicemail.
I try again three more times as I pray for him to answer but he doesn't. I guess maybe because he's with someone who might suspect something. Of all the times I've wanted him to answer his phone, this is the one time I really need him to. But of course he doesn't.
"Pathetic, let me call him." Olivia says after my final attempt at calling him.
He picks up on the first ring.
"Ez, so I'm here with this girl named Alex. You probably don't even remember her. But now she's claiming that you're dating her." She says as everyone chuckles.
I feel fed up so I grab her phone from her hands to say,
"Babe, you have to say something. If you don't we're done." I decide then and there that if he doesn't confirm that we're dating, it's over.
I'm not going to play around anymore. I deserve better than this.
But when he says,
"Sorry, who are you?" It hardly surprises me but it hurts like someone threw a brick right at my heart. The numbness returns as tears threaten to spill from my eyes. I can see everyone laughing from the corner of my eyes but I can't hear them.
It feels like everything is moving in slow motion.
It hurts. A lot.
I ignore all the stares and laughs as I make my way out of the party.
I need to get out of here.