I've been in hospital for over a week now, he hasn't called.
I know it's because he's still mad at me.
I'm partly ok with that because I don't want him to know what's happened. I don't want him to know I almost...
I just want him to be ok.
And ok he seems to be because every time I switch on the Tv I see him, he's also all over the internet. He's appearing in music videos too and every other day he's on a different Tv channel getting interviewed. I never thought it was possible but he's somehow getting more and more famous every day.
It's so odd to see also, because he's never really wanted this kind of life. He was never into the fame that came with his profession. All he wanted was to play football, everything else he didn't care much about. But he looks happy every time I see him on tv and I guess that makes me happy too. I'm glad he's found something that he fits into. I guess I was a bit jealous that unlike me, he found something outside of our relationship that he's passionate about.
I'm proud of him, I really am and I'd never missed an opportunity to tell him. He's living his dream. He also got himself and his grandmother out of poverty, that's something he'd always dreamt of doing one day. I know he wishes grandma Michaels was well enough to enjoy his new riches with him. He'd used to talk about how he wanted to show her the world in a way she'd never seen it before. He wanted her to experience life where she didn't have to worry about their next meal. He wanted to spoil her.
But after being diagnosed with cancer, she'd gone on a series of chemotherapy and radiation that left her almost paralyzed. So she'd then had to be taken to an old age home as Ezra couldn't take care of her. But even though she can't really do much right now, Ezra still makes sure that she's got everything she wants and needs, and then some. He's always been beyond grateful that she took him in even when she could barely make it on her own. They'd suffered but they'd made it through.
So as I sit on the hospital bed watching an ice cream commercial he's starring in, I can't help but smile. He hates ice cream, he doesn't see the point of it. I let my mind take me to a time back in our happy days when I'd forced him to have the icy substance. I'd told him I was craving it but I wasn't going to have it unless he had it with me. He hadn't been happy with the blackmail but that didn't stop him from falling for it. He would've done anything and everything to put a smile on my face.
But upon taking his first bite roughly, he'd squealed at the brain freeze that followed, earning a very long laugh from me.
He'd tried to fake a sad face but failed miserably. Of course I'd laughed harder. Those were some of our happiest days.
"Do you know him?"
I didn't realize I was smiling and staring at the tv when I heard Mary's voice ask from the bed next to mine. I quickly recover from my daze and then,
"No," I say now directing my smile from the tv to her. If I all of a sudden drop it then I look suspicious.
"He's quite a looker."
He's the most beautiful man I know, in every way possible.
"Neh, he's alright." I lie. I can't afford her thinking I'm attracted to him.
But she looks at me smugly, clearly calling my bluff. Then,
"How come you never say anything about yourself? I'm always the one rambling about my pathetic life." She takes the opportunity to ask. Likely because for once, I'm in a good mood.
After getting out of the ICU, I was transferred to the psychiatric ward where they'd told me I was going to be for a while. I guess because I'm now considered crazy because why else would I do what I did? I'd thought that after getting discharged, I'd be sent back home where I'd start making better decisions. But nope, I was in for a rude awakening when I was told I needed to go to a psychiatric ward where my every move would be watched. I'm guessing so I don't try to do what I did again.
I'd been quiet ever since they'd brought me here. Mostly because I was still grasping the reality of my actions. Never in my life had I ever imagined I'd want to do what I'd attempted to do. Life is hard, I know this. But committing suicide is being a coward, it's running away.
I keep trying to convince myself that that wasn't what I'd intended to do. I keep trying to convince myself that cutting my wrist was really just to numb the pain. But in all honesty, I knew the possible outcome of my actions.
I knew what happens when one cuts their veins.
Despite my being quiet, Mary didn't seem to care because she'd continued talking to me, even when I wasn't answering. That oddly reminded me of Ezra when we'd first met. I get annoyed when people are persistent, but not so much anymore when I see their commitment in wanting to put a smile on my face. There's something about knowing someone doesn't want to give up on you.
So at some point, her constant banter became a lullaby for the demons in my mind and I found myself welcoming them. When I'd listen to her, I'd forget all about my tragic life.
I've gotten used to continuously asking people questions to not leave room for them to ask me. Not even just since getting admitted but before then still. It was something I'd been unconsciously doing for a while.
But like I said, I'm in a good mood today so,
"What do you want to know Mary?" I ask her after a while.
"How about you start by how you ended up here?"
Mary and I are in a psychiatric ward where we're being watched 24/7. We don't talk about it but we know why the other is there. Our ward has a total of 5 people, three of which are still unconscious.
"I was playing around with a razor."
I say in an attempt to crack a joke but she gives me the opposite of a laugh. How is she of all people judging me right now?
"Boy Problems."
I decide to give her the answer she's really looking for. And then,
"What about you?" That's my instinct talking again. My default setting. I don't want her to ask more questions so I ask her.
"We're talking about you remember?" She says and I remember I actually know her story. Something about her husband leaving her for another woman.
"Well, what else do you want to know?"
"What did this boy do to you?"
Where do I even start? He lied to me, cheated on me, and denied me in front of a bunch of my old 'friends' who I'm sure are going around telling the world how ridiculous I am for claiming a man that's not mine. I don't tell her that though, I instead say,
"He stopped loving me."
The familiar pain that I'm realizing I haven't felt in the past couple of days makes a sharp return. I'm not lying though, what other reason could explain his actions?
"How long were you together for?"
It's been so long that I hardly remember a time he wasn't there.
"Going on 6 years now."
6 whole years of hiding.
"It sucks, doesn't it? You give your all to someone and they just break your heart into a million pieces without any remorse."
The pain in her eyes is evident when she says this and I just know she really loved her husband.
There's not a better feeling in the world than that of being understood, a feeling of knowing that someone went through what you did and so they get it.
I feel devastated that the person who holds all of me, doesn't want to anymore. I feel devastated because I don't know what I'll do without him.
"Are you still together?"
That's a good question.
"Well we haven't really broken up?" I say but it comes out as a question. Don't you need to break up to not be together? Apparently not because,
"Well that doesn't mean anything. When last did you speak to him? Does he even know you're in here right now?"
Does the love of my life know I almost killed myself for him?
"Yes." I lie.
"Oh," she says clearly surprised by my answer. "And what did he say?" She follows up with that.
"He keeps blowing up my phone. I'm not ready to talk to him." I lie again.
The truth? He's living his best life right now and he's forgotten all about me.
I wish desperately that he was blowing up my phone. I wish he was at home right now worried about the fact that I've been quiet. That way I'd know that I'm not the only one holding on.
But that's just all fantasy, because in reality he hasn't seen me nor spoken to me in over two weeks. A small naïve part of me believes he's needing his space right now after what went down with us. But a bigger, smarter part of me knows that he's fallen out of love with me.