I lower my body down the car seat so my stalking victim doesn't see me gawking at her and I groan when my foot collides with the metal seat adjuster.
"She's not even pretty." I lie. She's very pretty.
"Yeah, definitely don't know what he sees in her," Liz says. I know she doesn't actually think that too but I appreciate her effort to make me feel a little less crappy. I also appreciate her joining me in something I know she had to really force herself to do. I didn't ask her to come with me but I know she came to make sure I don't do something stupid.
This is something I want to be mad at but I can't seem to be, mostly because I don't know if I wasn't going to do something stupid had I been alone. Well something even more stupid because what we're doing right now is definitely up there in the level of stupidity.
"What did he say?" She asks and I don't respond immediately because I'm still trying to grasp the words he'd shook me with. But also because I know what she's going to think when I tell her.
So I turn my head to look back out of the window at someone I completely loathe without knowing. She's just a victim in all this and probably doesn't even know about me but I can't help but feel a very deep sense of hate when I look at her. The bright red color of her McDonald's uniform looks better on her than on her colleagues. I'm pretty sure the design was meant to hide any kind of sexiness but they fail miserably when it comes to her. She's a goddess. I stare at her for a while before saying,
"He said he's falling in love with her."
I ignore my heart constricting.
I'd froze when he told me that because of the overwhelming emotions that overfilled me. He was falling in love with someone he'd met only a few months before and not me, whom he's known his whole life.
He'd said the words I'd been waiting to hear for a very long time only they weren't directed to me. They were directed at her.
My heart is absolutely shattered.
But,
"He wanted to be honest with me." After getting over the sudden shaky impact of his words, I'd realized he wasn't trying to hurt me. He was simply being transparent with me.
He could've chosen to not say anything to me, but he didn't. He was honest with me. And that is one of the many things I love about him.
"What did you say to him before you left?"
For the most part I just froze. I wanted to say something, anything but the words just wouldn't come out.
But also,
"I didn't leave," I say and she gives me the expression that I've now seen too many times. I didn't even have to look at her to know that she'd made the face.
I turn my head back to my boyfriend's lover to keep myself from the pain that comes with knowing how my best friend feels about my different way of loving. She honestly doesn't need to understand, I just wish she would support me nonetheless. But clearly she's not getting that because,
"He told you he's falling in love with someone else and you're still with him?"
It's more complicated than that.
Her tone is soft, cautious. She's still being careful with asking certain things, clearly so as to not trigger me.
I lay my back deeper into my seat and close my eyes to take a long breath.
After a week of complete isolation and balling my eyes out, I'd done some digging. Cody left me alone for a while I'm guessing because I was a sobbing mess.
It didn't take me long to find her name. I was then soon on her social media pages before I'd then made it to the people in her life.
She's got a brother who's paralyzed and she's a big advocate for people living with disabilities. Her mother's name is Paula and her father - Gregory, likes to play golf. They're a tight-knit family that's involved in each other's lives and they seem to be supportive of one another. There are a couple of pictures on her private Instagram of Cody. Some of Cody and her family.
After contemplating it for a while, I'd decided I wanted to see her in person. I'd blurted it out to Liz who'd then insisted to join me as she couldn't change my mind about coming to stalk her.
"Is there something wrong with me?" I ask softly after a while.
I genuinely want to know. I know that he's been with her the whole time he hasn't been home. They've been staying at a hotel, the Maslow's to be exact. They're on the 16th floor.
"Alex no you're - "
"Pathetic?", "Ugly?", "unlovable?"
I take deep breaths to stop the new tears that threaten to leave my eyes. I was told back at the psychiatric ward that it not only calms you down, but it's much better than letting the shock overfill you and leave you numb, which is something that does more damage apparently. I guess I know that all too well.
I find myself unable to keep holding in my tears and I hear Liz attempting to soothe me with calming words. It's not really working but I smile through the sadness anyways, because this time I'm not alone.
Even though Liz judges me, I appreciate the fact that she's here.
"What does she have that I don't?"
Sure she's pretty, but does she love like I do?
"I hate seeing you like this." That is all Liz now manages to say.
"Like what?"
I barely hear myself ask.
"Lowering yourself. For a guy. You deserve much more than that. You deserve a bigger kind of love, a kind only you can give yourself."
The softness in her voice has me looking over to her to see a lone tear make its way out of her eye.
I feel a familiar pain shoot up my heart at the sight. A pain of seeing the people I love and care about hurting because of my actions.
I open the door after a while of just sitting and reflecting to make my way to my victim.
"Hi," is all I say when I reach the counter of my favorite food chain.
"Hello, what would you like to order?" She asks me with a smile that lights up the room and I can't help but mimic her.
"I'm not here to order," I say to her. Her smile doesn't leave her face the whole time and I see it.
I see why it's her and not me. I want to say it's just her beauty but it's more than just that. It's her energy. You can't help but want to be in her presence. Her smile is contagious.
"My name is Alex."
Her shocked expression confirms that she knows who I am.
"Oh, Alex I -"
"Don't. It's ok... really. I just wanted to come here and tell you that you're absolutely beautiful and I'm happy that he found you." I lie.
I'm not happy. My heart aches really bad. But I can't keep doing this, I can't keep hurting the people that I care about.
"I came here to see what it was about you. I see it now. You're amazing." I know I've only just met her but everything about her just oozes positivity and light.
I stand there for what feels like forever just staring at her before I feel a hand on my hand.
"Let's go Alex." I hear Liz whisper to me softly as she takes my hand to lead me outside.
I attempt to wipe the tear off my face but give up when I realize it's a whole sea of tears.
"Take me home."
I didn't have to tell Liz twice because in no time we're on the highway heading in that direction.
To a place I haven't been at in well over two months.