"What did I do now?"
We do this thing where we joke around with each other, this is to ignore the tension that still exists with us.
We walk around acting like everything's cool and I guess it is, to an extent but there's clearly stuff that was left unsaid with us. For way too long.
That is why,
"I just wanted us to talk - to clear the air."
If I'm serious then we won't waste time joking around.
I want to do more than just 'clear the air'. It's been years and we still haven't really talked about what happened.
He takes a seat across from me and then,
"Yeah sure."
His tone gets a bit serious and that allows me to continue.
"Where's Bruno?"
I don't see him around anymore, for years actually.
I know they'd remained friends after we broke up, for a while. I'm not sure what happened with them but clearly something did happen because wherever there was Ezra, Bruno was somewhere around. Never one without the other.
"I don't know."
He says simply.
His face is void of emotion, like that was not his best friend in the whole universe at some point. Like they didn't grow up together.
I decide not to pry, whatever happened doesn't matter. Bruno is still dead to me.
"I'm going to ask you something and I need you to be a hundred percent honest with me."
He nods.
"What was going through your head when you saw him assault me at that party?"
I've always wondered. But I couldn't ask him this back then because he would've thrown a fit.
'You're starting again,' probably would've been his exact words. And then he would've just walked out on me and not spoken to me for as long as he wanted.
This certainly happened too many times. It's beyond me how I'd stayed for so long.
There's a slight discomfort in his form before it's replaced by absolutely nothing.
He tightens his jawline and then,
"I was conflicted. I wanted to push him away from you but I also wanted to keep my friendship with him. And then I thought about what people would think if they saw me standing up for you."
I look into his eyes but he moves them to stare at the ground.
He continues on tightening his jawline. Something he does to seem all tough but he's not at all. I know internally he's an emotional wreck.
I don't stop there. I've got so many things I still need to know.
So,
"When you beat him up at the stadium, what was going through your head then?"
He returns his gaze to me, his eyes are soft.
"I was angry, I wanted to - I wanted to kill him for what he did to you."
His jawline tightens again, and I can see the veins in his hands from how hard he's holding his fists.
I don't doubt he means what he's saying.
But,
"And when you got sober and wanted to apologize for what you did to him. Did you want to take it all back?"
I'm no fan of violence at all. But I remember a part of me smiling a bit at the fact that he finally stood up for me. Even if I wasn't there.
Even if the world didn't know why. I did.
My man loved me so much he beat up his best friend on national television for me.
But when he'd come back and said he'd regretted it. Was it just for his PR? his image?
Was he worried about his reputation or did he actually feel that way?
I don't know if any of those would make it better but his silence answers my question for me.
I let a bit of time to pass before I move on to another thing.
"Olivia."
I pause to see his reaction. Still stern.
"Did you sleep with her? When we were together."
He nods.
"How many times?"
"I don't know."
"How many times?"
"A lot!"
His tone is impatient but his eyes are filled with remorse.
Even though I knew something happened with them, I'd hoped otherwise. I'd hoped he would tell me that his fling with her was to make me jealous and that nothing really happened.
I was hoping he would tell me that Olivia wasn't yet another person he cheated on me with.
But hearing him admit it, it doesn't hurt. Not anymore.
It just gives me my confirmation.
"And Liz? What happened there?"
The situation with Liz is something I'd long forgiven and maybe even forgotten. But I never really made an effort to find out what really happened with them.
Maybe because I would've been more hurt than I already was. I didn't need to hear the gory details.
I'm too caught up in my mini-daze that I don't realize he's gone quiet.
"Were you attracted to her?"
It would be entertaining to me if he said yes. Because for as long as I'd been with him, Ezra couldn't stand the sight of Liz.
He'd attempted to break up our friendship more than a few times.
"Liz is a beautiful girl, but no. I wasn't. I just - I hated the person you were with her. I hated how she made you wear all those tiny things and how you'd always hang around guys because of her and ..."
"You slept with her so our friendship would end?"
He didn't have to finish that sentence.
I am in shock right now despite my stern form.
Of all people, Ezra knew exactly the kind of bond I shared with Liz. She wasn't just my friend she was my sister. She was my rock, part of the reason I didn't try to end it all a lot earlier on. She was the reason life sucked a little less.
And he knew this.
Yet he tried to ruin us, because of jealousy?
Wow.
This is the man who claimed to love me. For years.
I don't need to say to him all that I'm thinking right now. I can see him thinking it too. He gets it... only now at least.
But if he wasn't attracted to her like he says. Then,
"Liz said it happened more than once."
His eyes look at everything but me.
"Yeah."
He says simply.
I wait for some sort of an explanation but it doesn't come so I move on to another subject.
"Why?"
Why did you cheat? Why did you lie? Why did you hurt me so much? Why?
"Did you stop loving me?"
It's the only possible explanation.
"No!"
His response is quick.
"Then what was it?"
My voice is now soft. I need him to tell me something, anything. Not that it would make it any better but people don't just go around doing things like that for no reason now do they?
Apparently they do. Because,
"I don't know."
Yes Ezra has been through a lot. We all have. But does that now excuse the bad that they've done?
Does it excuse the fact that this man was the sole reason behind my suicide attempt? That he mentally and emotionally abused me for the majority of our relationship?
This man who made me so self-conscious and filled me with so much self-hate.
Am I supposed to forget everything now that he's all healed?
I finally manage to find the courage to look at him only to see him shedding a tear.
We sit there for a while. Quiet. Reflecting... on everything.
And then,
"If you had a daughter. Would you allow her to get back with someone who did to her what you did to me?"
My voice is still soft. I'm not at all trying to be threatening.
He lets time pass a bit before,
"No."
THE END!