Anwen
"Kieran said you had to go?" Baz asks from where he sits on the railing of the balcony attached to my bedroom.
"Those were his exact words." I scowl at my open wardrobe. "Anwen, you have to go to this ball, or it will look bad for all of us. Authority command and all. Who the fuck does he think he is?"
Baz snorts. "Sounds like he thinks he's your fucking dad."
I grab a shoe from the bottom of my wardrobe and launch it at his head. "Shut up."
He dodges, and the shoe sails off to land somewhere on the grounds. "Not to be a dick, but why are you so pissed anyway? You're the one who said balls are called that because that's what women show up looking for."
That makes me smile a little. I am funny.
"Perfect way to get over the Haze," he adds.
And I'm pissed again. I still haven't told him. I haven't told anyone. And I think if I show up to this party, and Estrella's there looking like a Goddess-damned dream, I might just explode.
'I have to tell you something,' I say, 'and it needs to stay secret.'
Baz grins. 'I'll take the Beta's oath right now if that'll make you happy.'
'It needs to stay secret even when you're drunk.' I turn and shoot him a look.
"I swear to the Moon Goddess Herself." Baz draws an X over his chest. "Drunk or sober, this one's staying locked up."
I look at him for a long moment. He's my best friend for a reason, and a lot of it has to do with our shared penchant for learning the right piece of information to put in the wrong ear. The court calls us gossips, Father called us spies when he was feeling generous, but I've always just thought of us as opportunists. Still, his gaze is steady on mine, not laughing for once in his life.
'I lied about the Haze.' I grimace. 'I found my mate. It's Princess Estrella.'
"Oh, shit," Baz says.
"Swear to the Moon Goddess," I remind him. I don't like the light in his eyes.
He crosses his chest again, then hops off the railing of the balcony and walks inside. "There's a real chance I've finally drunk enough to become stupid, but why the hell is that a secret?"
"Because-" Because I don't want to be mated. Because Father hasn't even been dead a month yet, and no one cares. Because I pinned her against a wall, threatened to fuck her into silence, and she looked scared of me. "Because she asked for it."
He blows out a long breath. "You should've come to drink with me. That's the only thing I've heard of that might actually be worse than ending the Haze alone."
"You're telling me," I mutter. "Nobody knows except us. And, I guess, you."
"You haven't even told Kieran." He shakes his head. "I mean, you fucking gotta. She's the crown princess. You're gonna inherit Sundrop Gem."
Somehow, in all of this, I haven't thought of that yet. Me, an Alpha King. The thing I gave up when I turned my back on Father. I drop into the chair at my desk.
"Maybe that's why she's not telling anyone," Baz says. "She wants the whole place to herself. I mean, it's crazy she's inheriting at all. It should be her brother."
"She's going to be a fantastic leader," I snap as some feral protective instinct rears up inside me. "Castor doesn't know his head from his ass."
Baz puts his hands up. "Damn, you're really mated. I take it back."
"I am." I groan. "And I'm shit at it, and now I have to go to this fucking ball, and I feel like a girl because I don't know what to wear!"
As a testament to our friendship, Baz swallows his laughter. "I bet you're not shit at it."
"I am." Maybe I can't tell the truth about why, but that's easy enough to say to the guy who once dared me to shit over the castle wall and helped me back inside when I fell off in the process. Another secret we're taking to our graves. "Trust me. Every time I see her, I just get... feral. And there's no telling how that comes out."
Baz gets serious again. "You hit her?"
"No!" The idea makes me nauseous. "But I'm a dick. We can't talk without fighting, and I keep wanting to grab her and-"
"Enough details." Baz puts his hands up to stop me. "Look, you're just kind of an intense guy. Always have been. Maybe she makes that worse, so you just gotta channel it."
"Channel it?"
He nods, stands, and walks over to my wardrobe. "You remember Earson?"
"The etiquette tutor with the ears." I grin. "I think his name was Karson."
"Whatever." Baz starts pulling things out. "He was the one who kept saying a gentleman is just the cage around the animal inside. So channel into being the cage, not the animal." He throws an armful of clothes at my head. "Might look like shit, but you'll be dressed."
I roll my eyes. Baz wears all black so he "can't be wrong," and the outfit he picked out for me is more of the same. But I'm tired of going in circles in my head. I get dressed and look at myself in the mirror.
I look exactly like the portrait of Father when he took the throne.
Baz punches me in the shoulder. "We look like we could be twins."
He couldn't be more wrong. His hair is shorter than mine, straw-colored where mine is gold, and his eyes are dark blue. Plus, there's the time he broke his nose trying to run through the gate before the guards shut it and smashed right into the damned thing. But it's such a stupid thing to say that it startles a laugh out of me.
"There!" He grabs my jaw, pinning my mouth in a slightly open smile. "He looks like the crown prince of Dun's Crossing, not some sad fuck next to the king. All right?"
I shake my head as much as I can in his hold. "What would I do without you?"
"Drown in your own tears." He lets me go and thumps my back. "Now, let's move before my very good advice wears off."
We leave my room together and start heading for the ballroom. When we pass the spot where I cornered Estrella the other day, my whole body warms. If she'd even whispered she wanted me-hell, if she'd stayed still-I would've taken her. Right there in the fucking hallway, where anyone could see. And just because she pissed me off. Feral was the only way to describe it. If I'm scared of anything, it's that. What she does to me. How far she pushes me outside of the person I am.
Or maybe the person I want to be. Because I know one person who acted like that when challenged, and I'm a spitting image of his coronation portrait. I clench my fists hard enough that my nails draw blood.
That night, holding Kieran's arms, I made my choice. I decided I wanted to be king less than I wanted to stop hearing that door slam for the rest of my life. It used to haunt my dreams, echo in my thoughts every time I saw Father. When I turned on him, I said I wanted to be something more. Maybe this mess with Estrella is my chance to prove it.
Music leaks into the hallway as we approach the ballroom, and new smells are everywhere. Despite the late notice, at least half a dozen packs sent some representatives. Kieran thinks it's curiosity, but he doesn't mind that because he's going to prove them wrong. He really is going to be a different king than Father.
Fuck, maybe I should talk to Kieran. I don't know how he pulled the transformation off.
"Let's take this shit by storm." Baz pushes open the doors.
Inside, the ballroom is already half full. A page scrambles to announce us, but we blow past him. Baz splits off for a group of giggling girls from some new pack. I head for Kieran and Raven who are standing by the raised dais with the musicians.
'You're late,' Killian says.
'I was primping,' I deadpan.
Across the ballroom, I see him smirk.
'Primp faster next time,' he replies. 'The ceremony starts as soon as the Sundrop Gem contingent arrives.'
I stop at their side. "And remind me what my job in the ceremony is?"
Raven puts a hand on her slightly swollen stomach and glances at Kieran. "To stand behind him and represent the future of Dun's Crossing."
There's an edge to her voice that makes me smile. She thinks she should have my job. Now, that's something I can understand.
"Silently?" I ask.
Kieran nods, but his eyes are on Raven like they're talking over mind-link. I scan the crowd instead. No sign of Estrella. A whole lot of signs of other women who haven't experienced my particular charms, but they don't hold their usual appeal. Even a redhead in an equally red, temptingly low-cut dress who would usually be my first target. This mating shit sucks.
The door opens again, and this time, the page is prepared. "From Sundrop Gem-"
I turn.