Anwen
The day after the Sundrop Gem contingent leaves, I sleep in for the first time in days. When Frazier shakes my shoulder, and I open my eyes into the damn near midmorning light, pain rips through my chest.
Hers? Mine? Is there any point in asking anymore?
"Get the fuck off me." I rip Frazier's hand away. "Did I ask you to wake me up?"
"No, sir." Frazier bows. "Alpha King Kieran did."
"Tell Kieran to go fawn over his mate and his crown-prince-to-be," I snarl. "Leave me the fuck alone."
Frazier bows again and leaves. I grab a decanter I left on the side of my bed last night and take a few hearty swigs. A little bit of fuzziness in my mind can't hurt at this point. It's not like I have fucking anything to do today. The investigation's over. Kieran made sure to tell me that to my face yesterday. Even though he doesn't agree with the outcome, without the Sundrop people here demanding answers, there's "no point in wasting resources."
I hurl the half-full decanter at the wall. It shatters in a tinkle of glass. The stink of liquor makes it easier not to worry about smelling anything else, at least.
'Come to my office when you have a minute,' Kieran says through the mind-link. 'We need to discuss how to mitigate this problem with the other kingdoms.'
His crap about taking the hard way echoes in my mind. Well, guess what? The hard way didn't work. It's bullshit. He can stick his hard way where the Goddess doesn't shine, and I'll handle shit the way I need to from here on out.
I ignore the mind-link, jump out of bed, and storm out of my room without getting dressed. What fucking difference does it make? Who do I have to hide from or impress?
The stone floor is cold on my feet, but it barely touches the storm in my head. She just fucking left. In every scenario I played out, every worst-case I imagined, this didn't happen. Not after the ball, not after our nights together. I can't live without her. And, fuck, is it so stupid to hope that she'd have some trouble living without me? That first morning, in the tent, she could barely handle the pain in her mark when I told her we should keep things quiet, but when she says she considers me an enemy, never wants to see me again, she walks out with her head held high?
I smash a vase off a plinth lining the hall to hear it shatter too. A couple of servants I didn't even notice before jump.
"Clean it the fuck up," I growl.
They still listen. I guess I've got that. All of this feels like absolute shit.
'What are you doing?' Kieran asks Goddess knows how long later. 'Lucias and Ifan are fielding complaints that you're cutting a path of destruction through the palace.'
'Let them,' I reply savagely before closing the link. He wants to lead? Let him.
But his interruption shakes me out of my rage just enough to look up and take stock of where I am. Fucking pitiful. I've marched my ass right over to where she was yesterday. Not her hall exactly-like some part of me is still hiding our relationship for her fucking sake, like I give a shit what she wants or needs anymore-but the one where they put her father's body.
I pull up short. Not they, Floyd. Floyd kept King Isai's body here and guarded the door nonstop for my whole investigation. Bastard wouldn't even let me in to look at it through the ice. But when Estrella and her family want to leave, the body is stable enough for a three-day voyage? With an hour of fucking warning?
I slam my fist into the wall, and my knuckles spark with pain. Floyd was lying. I could've looked at the body the whole time, and he was keeping me out. The only question now is whether he did it because King Andri told him to sabotage our investigation or because Estrella asked him to.
Pain rips through me anew at the second thought. Fuck it. Fuck him. I'll look into it... later. Never. I don't fucking know, but if I track down the envoy of Snowcrest right now, I'll start an international incident before he finishes his first sentence.
'You wanna go for a drink?' Baz asks.
'Fuck off,' I reply.
Drinking sounds good. Going somewhere, talking to anyone? I'd rather have her slap me again.
A spear of pain shoots through my chest. Maybe that's not true, but it's damn close. I turn on my heel and whip in another direction. Anywhere other than her rooms, where I might be able to smell her and remind myself what I'm missing.
Not missing. Furious with.
I break another vase, a statue, tear a tapestry down. Every bit of destruction mutes a little of the storm, gives me something else to think about. And every time, the muting lasts for a handful of steps, until I come across some place I've seen her or smelled her or thought about her. She's all over this place. There's nothing left that's mine.
Avoiding every trace of her leads me, like everything fucking seems to, up the hallway that holds Father's office. When Kieran took the castle, he spent a day pulling everything he could need out of there then barred the door. Nobody's opened it since then. Once again, I stand in front of the closed double doors, knowing Kieran's a huge part of the reason I can't go in. The heir, the favored son, made the decision for all of us.
Well, I'm fucking tired of it.
My nails sharpen into claws, and I tear the bar from the doors in a flurry of violence. One of them swings open, loose on its hinges. Father's smell wafts out. And I stare at what lays inside.
The office I spent my whole life jealous of is in tatters. His desk is half-overturned, the drawers hanging out. The breeze from the door opening stirs the ashes in the fireplace, revealing half-burned books and pieces of paper. Tapestries hang shredded on the walls. There's a huge hole in one of the windowpanes, like someone put their fist through it. My temper flares. Kieran did this. It wasn't enough to kill our father, he had to destroy every memory of him, every piece we had left.
Then, a memory pops into my mind. The last morning, before Father sent Kieran and I off together. He summoned me to his office, and by taking a few of my shortcuts, I'd shown up early. Just in time to hear something crash behind the door, then watch Father step out, smooth himself down, and snap to a servant that he expected everything in their "perfect by the time this ended." I always assumed he had some kind of informant he was getting information out of, but there's no smell in here other than his. No blood. No nothing. Except a reminder that, every rare time Father didn't get his way, he stalked around the castle, snarling and destroying.
Just like I have today.
I blink, and like the Haze burning off in the morning, my thoughts clear. This is exactly what he'd do. And, by the Goddess, Estrella isn't the only reason I don't want to turn into him. She's just the best thing stopping me.
I know what I have to do.
'Where are you?' I ask Baz.
'Blue Slipper,' he replies. 'Why?'
'Don't leave.'
I dart through passages and tunnels to the room the servants keep ready for when I have a girl and dress in my most casual clothes then pull a hood up over my head. At the last minute, I pull the spare dagger out from under the bed and strap it on. My heart pounds as I race outside without the guards needing to open the doors and head down into the city surrounding the palace.
Noises and smells surround me. Usually, I like the market-it's a damn good place to listen-but today, it feels like every shifter has been put in this city just to piss me off. It's an act of the Goddess that I can keep enough of a rein on my temper not to kill anyone. I just put my head down and slice through the crowd to our favorite tavern.
As always, Baz is sitting at the pitted bar, nursing a cup of rotgut. I don't know how he drinks the shit after growing up in the palace. I glare at the man on the stool next to him, and the idiot hurries away without a word.
"I've got a plan," I murmur.
"Better than scaring the shit out of half the castle?" Baz replies.
I punch him in the shoulder. Hard.
"No, you were a dick." He meets my gaze. "Ready to be different?"
Where the hell does he get off-
I swallow. "Yes."
Baz raises his mug with a grin. "Thank the Goddess. So, shall we drink away the pain?"
"I have a better plan than that." I lean in and whisper my plan, under the noise of the bar.
He blinks a few times, then shoots the rest of his drink. "You're one crazy bastard. Let's go get your girl."
***
"Business of the king." I lift my chin and tap my fingers on the hilt of the dagger. "You wouldn't refuse him, would you?"
The merchant standing in front of me swallows. "The Whirlwind is halfway through a journey. I can't just abandon my cargo-"
"Then unload," Baz growls like he's some kind hardass. I almost laugh when the merchant starts trembling.
"You merely want the ship?" he asks.
"And three of your crew." I look him up and down. "Not including you."
He nods wildly and jumps into action. Crates and barrels disappear off the tiny merchant ship. I picked a vessel out that would only need a crew of five, the smallest in the port that I thought would actually get us across the Lonely Sea. And the vessel Kieran's least likely to notice missing. I don't give a fuck about politics or appearances right now, and I'm not going to be stopped.
As the whiny merchant and his people work, I lean against the side and stare at the horizon.
"You know, I've never actually left the kingdom before," Baz says.
I glance at him. His eyes glow with excitement, and he's nearly bouncing up and down.
"Me either," I mutter. Except for that rushed trip to Escuro-to murder Father.
But I don't share Baz's anticipation. I can't really think about anything but what awaits us on the other side of this trip-the twenty-four hour lead my mate has on me, and what I'm going to have to do to get her back.