Estrella
Tess pulls swaths of fabric out of my trunk, sorting through party dresses and everyday dresses for anything suitable to wear through the halls now that I'm Luna.
Luna. Fuck.
"I've always liked this one," Tess says.
I glance at the blue and purple damask over her arm. "I don't want to wear blue unless I have to."
"Because it's their color." Tess nods, folds her offering, and places it in the growing pile of rejected options.
This morning, I only needed to dress quickly and attend the meeting. Mother leant me one of her gowns, but she's taller than me. Dun's Crossing eyes might not notice the difference, but I could feel the bunched fabric and pins with every step I took. Certainly not a look befitting the Luna of Sundrop Gem.
"This one?" She holds out an orange, red, and yellow silk gown.
I run my fingers over the fabric, feeling the subtle difference in its weft and weave. Tears bead in my eyes. "Father bought that for me just before we left."
She rubs my shoulder. "It's beautiful."
"He had stunning taste." I smile tightly. "That was part of how he courted Mother, between their Haze and their wedding. He said she deserved to look like a queen already."
Someone knocks on the door, and I swipe the tears away. No one who would bother knocking can see me cry. Tess leaves me on my bed and goes to answer the door in the sitting room. Low conversation issues through the door she left slightly ajar, as she always does, but I can't make out anything they're saying.
She returns with a wooden board covered in an array of cured meats, cheeses, and fruits. "Snowcrest Canyon sends their regards again, in the form of a concern that the royal family may be avoiding public meals in their grief."
I smile wanly. Nessa's smarter than the Solbergs give her credit for. "We should send our appreciation. You can ask your father-" The words catch in my throat. Father asked Cristofer to learn all he could about other packs' customs before we left, but now, he's attached to the investigation. He doesn't have time to answer questions about appropriate thanks for Snowcrest diplomats.
Tess sets the board down on my nightstand, sits next to me, and wraps her arms around my shoulders. "I will find a way. Don't worry about that, in addition to everything else."
Easier said than done. I am the Luna now, and I have no Alpha to rely on.
"We should keep looking at dresses." My voice sounds thick. "This is a kind gesture from Snowcrest, but I won't have rumors swirling around this Goddess-forsaken palace that Sundrop Gem crumbles without its Alpha. I will attend dinner tonight."
If it kills me.
She shakes her head. "You should eat. I'll look at the dresses."
My stomach churns acidly. It feels like the last thing I ate was the dinner before the ball. I don't even know if that's true anymore. I haven't been paying any attention. But how can I eat when Father lies, cold as ice, on a slab? When his killer runs free, maybe even in the same palace I occupy?
Father's voice echoes in my mind. You are the latest in a long, proud line, Estrella. He was talking about Anwen, about how I didn't need to lower myself before him. But now, those nearly last words of his sound like an executioner's blade hanging over my head. I am not just the latest, but nearly the last. I love Castor, but he doesn't have what it takes to lead. He's impetuous, quick to anger. He'll be a dear advisor, reminding me never to take an insult we don't need to bear. But as Alpha, he would destroy the pack.
Just like Anwen, albeit in such a different way.
I can hardly believe only last night Father seemed encouraging about the idea of mating with Anwen. I've seen so many sides of the prince in the last twenty-four hours alone. He is obviously smart, a dexterous social manipulator. Perhaps he has a droplet of kindness in him-he did take me away when my emotions overflowed-but that kindness has never been nurtured, is a withered fruit on a dying branch. And he is a Solberg, a member of Dun's Crossing, the people my family believe murdered Father. I can imagine no worse mate, no worse Alpha for my pack. The mint of Anwen's scent was a promise. He is just as cool and slippery.
And still, I fell into his arms when I should've been with his family.
"Estrella?" Tess frowns. "Would you like space? I can go."
"Nessa lied," I blurt. "As did I."
Her black eyebrows shoot up. "What about?"
I pick at the edge of my robe. "I did not spend the night in her room."
Tess takes my hand and stares at our intertwined fingers, knowing truth sometimes comes easier when no one is looking at me. My heart throbs. There are so few people who know me well, but somehow, Anwen has quickly become one of them.
"I spent it with-" My tongue sticks stubbornly to the roof of my mouth. I cannot say the words, cannot admit my sickening betrayal.
I spent the night in Prince Anwen's bed, I tell her.
Tess's mouth tightens in a way I know means she's biting the inside of her lips to keep from having a reaction. My face burns.
"Say it." My voice comes out sharp and jagged. "There is nothing you can tell me I haven't already told myself. I know that it was a humiliation, a betrayal of Sundrop Gem, a dive to the depths of depravity the likes of which a Luna cannot-"
"I think it makes sense," she says quietly.
My heart skips a beat. My mating bite sears, but I've grown used to the pain. "Does it still make sense if I lied even now? If he couldn't be bothered to actually take me to his bed but instead stored me in some hidden chamber a dozen other women have obviously seen the inside of?"
"Yes." She squeezes my hand. "He's your mate."
I yank my hand back. "He's nothing to me."
"You keep saying that." Tess shakes her head, and I know there's an Orion story coming. "But the Goddess declared him your other half. He's the person in the world most suited to comforting you. Orion-"
My body burns with the rough way Anwen handled me, the fading bruises I covered with extra drapes of Mother's dress. "I don't want his comfort. I don't want anything to do with him."
"But you sought him out." Tess frowns harder. "After your night, did your bite not feel better? Did your bond not become undeniable?"
Nausea roils through me. I stand, hoping that will ease... something, but I'm forced to grab the post of my bed or tumble to my knees. Still, I stare down at Tess. Her heart-shaped face is almost as familiar to me as my own. I know the story of the thin scar on her jaw-a tree-climbing accident Castor goaded her into-and I know the worry painted across her features. What I'm experiencing right now is completely beyond her experiences, nearly beyond what she can understand.
Calm certainty settles over my shoulders like a heavy blanket. No, not calm, but at least numbing. Tess has never woken up next to her mate and wondered why. No one I know has. Perhaps no one in this whole castle, because I struggle to believe Kieran and Raven truly had no inclination they were not siblings. I struggle to believe anything the king and queen of Dun's Crossing say anymore. So I am alone. Just as I am alone in leading my people.
Father told me to rely on my mother's heart and his stubbornness. But he led a Sundrop Gem protected from all outsiders by ancient customs. He didn't-couldn't-understand that those traits must be reserved for our people, and our people only.
"Nothing is undeniable," I say, my voice infused with that same certainty. "Even the Goddess. We are given our free will. She only guides our choices, and sometimes, the right choice is to ignore that guidance."
Tess flinches back, though she keeps her hold on my hand. "You don't mean that. You can't. Because if you do, that means you're agreeing to a life of permanent loneliness, for you and Prince Anwen."
I meet her dark eyes. "I mean it with every bone in my body."
My mate mark has never hurt this much, not even that first morning. Only my hold on the bedpost keeps me on my feet.
Distantly, I understand Anwen a little better. He endured this pain without flinching the first morning. It's the only impressive quality I'll admit to just now.
Tess shakes her head slowly, wordlessly.
"I have to avenge Father's death," I continue. "I have to lead Sundrop Gem mere months after my twenty-first birthday. The last thing I need in this life is a mate I cannot trust as far as Queen Raven's unborn child could throw him. And I have hope that my friends and advisors will not desert me in the years to come, so I will never truly be lonely amongst our people."
"I know you, Estrella." Tess stands and meets my gaze. "Do you really think you can handle all of this by yourself? Tell me once, looking at me, in the eyes, and I will drop the matter."
The promise springs to my tongue, fully formed, but I cannot lie to a face I know so well.
"No," I admit. "I'm not certain, and I doubt I'm ready. But"-I cup her cheek with my free hand-"I am certain I have no choice."
Tears fill Tess's eyes.