Estrella
I cling to the side of The Lady Suniva, listening to the birds' jagged calls and the rhythmic thud, thud, thud of the various ropes and riggings against the wood of the boat itself on the final day of our journey home. On the ride over, I was horrifically seasick. The waves are so much larger than those in the placid pond Tess and I sometimes row around on. This time, though, the sea doesn't touch me.
Nothing does. Ever since leaving Anwen sniveling on the floor like he had anything to be upset about, I've returned to the dull numbness that consumed me in the days following Father's death. It's as though I've died again. Or as though Anwen reanimated me in a facsimile of life, and now I've returned to my true self. There's something peaceful in this, at least. I haven't cried since that moment, either.
"We should see the coast soon." Mother steps up beside me. "Do you feel ready?"
The sea air has returned a little more color to her cheeks, though the rocking of the boat makes it impossible for her to sleep. And she's been doting on me as though I'm a child.
"I will figure out what I must," I say.
She places her hand over mine. "You were becoming friends with that prince, weren't you? Perhaps even falling for him?"
There is nothing under the moon I can say to that. And regardless, my throat fills with stones at any mention of him.
"I understand." She squeezes my fingers. "Before the Haze brought me to your father, I had a crush on someone in my pack. Eden. We talked ceaselessly, nearly courted. The whole kingdom assumed we would be each other's when the Haze came, including me." She smiles tiredly. "The feelings seemed very real until I met your father. So this will hurt, and I hope you talk to me, but something better will come to wash it all away."
I've never heard of Eden before. Normally, any new story of Mother's fills me with excitement. I wanted to see the world outside of our kingdom terribly. Now, it only adds more stones to my throat.
"Can I convince you to come sit with me?" she asks. "I thought I might paint the horizon, and I need someone to mix my colors."
All our best talks happen while I'm mixing her colors. It's a bit like drawing a curtain between us and the world, a private space where we are, briefly, nothing more than mother and daughter. Until this, I would've called it my favorite activity in the world.
I shake my head. Mother sighs, but she leaves without another word.
Next, like they've organized a rotation, Tess approaches. She alone knows just how much I lost that morning, and she has done me the honor of not mentioning it, but even the knowledge sets my teeth on edge.
"Have you eaten?" she asks.
"Dinner," I reply. That, at least, is a question I can answer.
"It's morning."
"I know that." I push my wind-torn hair out of my eyes. "But I'm not hungry. I need to be ready."
She looks over the edge of the boat where a dark spot has just come into view. Sundrop Gem, without an ounce of detail.
"We've got four hours before we dock." Her voice betrays her frustration. "The cook made fresh aswore, and I dug up a jar of orange preserves. Come eat."
My mouth waters. The acidity of the orange cuts the sweetness of the aswore perfectly. Tess knows that's always been my favorite breakfast.
"Where did you find preserves on a ship?" I ask.
She looks back over the side. "In the hold."
My gut twists. The hold is where Father's body lays, cocooned in a layer of ice so thick I can't make out his features no matter how long I stare. Floyd finally figured out a more stable method of containment, but it's horrifying to look at. The oblong block of ice is barely human, much less Father. I can't think about it for long, and I can't eat anything I know chilled in the sickening corona of his body.
"You don't have to say it." Tess leans her shoulder against mine. "Just promise me you'll eat something before the funeral."
I don't answer her. That seems more a question for the flurry of advisors and meetings I know await me when we arrive home.
***
Tess stands with me for so long that I can nearly make out the palace by the time I'm alone again. A few moments later, Castor sidles up beside me.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles.
I glance at him. "Why?"
"I may not understand it, but obviously that... place meant something to you." He shrugs. "So I'm sorry their betrayal hurt you."
That comes the closest in the three-day journey to coaxing a smile onto my lips. Castor hates apologizing, mostly to me.
"Despite the fact you told me so?" I ask. I've been repeating that to myself for days.
"Exactly." He winces. "Except I want that to sound nicer."
There's a reason Castor will hopefully never be king of Sundrop Gem, and it's bigger than birth order. "Unfortunately, that is not a sentiment that ever sounds nice."
"Fuck it, then." He leans against the side of the boat. "I smuggled a kras board into my cabin. Would it make you feel any better to beat me before facing your people?"
The strategy game stands at the heart of a long-running competition between us. Castor has never beaten me, but he swears he will one day. For a while, I had to check his sleeves for spare hexagonal tokens before sitting down to play. Now, the idea lands hollowly in my chest. I am Luna Queen of Sundrop Gem, and that title will be mine forever in no more than a few days' time. What point is there to silly board games now?
Memories of Father teaching me and playing kras fight for my attention, but I push them aside. He was a different sort of leader than I must be. He had a partner to rely on.
"No," I say crisply. "I'm busy."
He looks at the empty waves I've been staring at for hours already, scoffs, and walks away. That doesn't matter. He's my advisor, whether he wants the position or not, and he loves this kingdom as much as I do, beneath it all.
"Lower sails!" the captain yells. "We're docking."
I squeeze the side of the ship my father christened so many years ago one last time.
***
I step onto the swaying gangway with my head held high. Mother walks behind me, and Castor carries Father's body with three other sailors. The familiar smells of home-warm spices, astringent dye, and hot stones-thread through the salt air. I expect them to make me sadder, without Father, or to inspire dear memories. Just like everything else, they are nothing more than information. I am in Sundrop Gem, as I was in Dun's Crossing mere days ago.
As soon as I set foot on the dock, something changes. We entered mind-link range for the pack some hours ago, even across the sea. That felt like it always does-I was one grain of sand in an hourglass, one voice among a chorus. Now, I am at the heart of the network. The trunk holding all the leaves, rather than one of its rustling retinue. Voices whisper through my mind.
Luna Estrella.
So beautiful.
So young.
Is she ready?
Is she heartbroken?
I love you. We love you.
I sway and nearly throw a hand out for balance. But it wouldn't do for the first sight of their queen to be weakness.
I love you, I say to them all. Make way for your fallen king.
With a deep breath, I stride down the dock. The pack-my pack-shifts out of the way like choreographed dancers. I doubt I even had to ask them to move. Every gaze I meet holds the same admiration I saw so often pointed at Father, the same hope for an ever-improving future. My posture grows straighter under the weight of their expectations.
The long walk leads us to the mouth of the temple where Yana, our holy woman, waits. She must prepare Father's body before the funeral. Castor and the sailors lay his foreign, icy coffin at her feet. She stares at it with tears in her eyes for a long second, then raises her hands in prayer.
"May he find his place among the stars."
The refrain echoes through the crowd that followed us here, both out loud and across the mind-link. I barely repress a shudder. In Dun's Crossing, my people were a small handful of loved ones. Here, every wolf is painfully, palpably real. My footsteps pulsate through my mating bite, but for the first time in days, it is easy to put him from my mind. I owe them the future they expect from me, and I intend to provide.
Alone.