"I'll be back from work later than usual today, don't stay up late if I don't come back early." Ryan told his mother, as he made to pick his briefcase. "I'll be spending a couple of days here with you, I feel really empty living alone in that big house -it's scary, something."
His mother smiled, relieved that he was going to stay with her for a while. "Of course, dear. I'm always here for you," she said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "During the weekend, we can go to the park and enjoy the beautiful autumn scenery."
"My schedules are tight these days, and I'll be working during the weekend too, I can't promise you that." He replied to her slowly, politely turning her offer down.
Mrs. Lerman did not bother to reply as she was trying to conceal the surprise she felt, her gaze solely fixated on her son. She was happy to have her son at her home, even if it was for a short while. She hoped that they could spend some quality time together and catch up on each other's lives.
Ryan, after several minutes, noticed his mother's stares and spoke up."What...？" He asked with a bemused expression. "Why that kind of stare, it's making my skin to crawl, you know."
Mrs. Lerman chuckled at her son's phrase. "Why are you preparing so early?" She asked with no intention of taking her gaze off him. "You rarely go early, maybe you do sometimes but not at this early hour of the day."
Ryan shrugged his shoulders lightly before replying. "Maybe I'm changed, I'm not the Ryan you used to know, mother." He told her casually. "-perhaps you still do, but I bet that I'm changed, for real. I can't be the same as I used to anymore, you know."
"Why...？" She cited simply, expecting an explanation for an answer.
Ryan's brows were creased at his mother's question. "Why...？" He returned her question to her. "I don't get your question."
"I mean, why do you think you've changed? Is there something specific that made you feel that way?" His mother clarified, looking concerned.
Ryan paused for a moment, contemplating how to articulate his thoughts. "I guess it's a combination of things," he began in a voice barely above whisper, still unsure of the best reply to give her. "I can't say, but I'm changed and..."He trailed off.
"You changed, yeah. Is it because of Anne? Because you can't get over what she did to you and decided to bury yourself with work, maybe you will be able to get over it?" She uttered in questioning, her voice was soft and with emotion in it. "Or because you are still feeling guilty over what you did to Ciara? Is the pang of guilt still gnawing at you, even when it's been almost four years already."
Ryan sighed deeply, breathing out sharply. What is that particular feeling of his? In as much as he tries to tell which was it, he can't tell -they are much and he finds it difficult to tell which of it is the particular one eating him up the most.
"Pains? Trepidation? Guilty -and betrayal, I can't tell which one of it is gnawing and eating me." He blurted out in blunder, even when his voice was too soft and filled with wavering emotions.
But deep down, he knew that the guilt was still there, and it's not something that can be easily shaken off. "It's complicated," he finally said, after a long pause. "And I'm trying to make things right, for Ciara, for myself, and for everyone else involved, but there seems not to be a way out of these feelings, what do I do?" He looked at her, hoping she would understand.
Mrs. Lerman stared into her son's eyes like she was staring right into his soul -it was empty! Those used to be full of life, eyes of his were very much empty with no emotion whatsoever in them; not even a glint of it. She hated it! She hates to see her beloved son this way, her heart ached as she felt like it was forcefully torn into shreds by a greater force.
She took a deep breath and spoke gently, "My dear, you don't have to face these feelings alone. There is always a way out, and we will find it together. Let's take it one step at a time and work towards healing." She told him, cajoling him in the most calmed voice she could muster.
His mother was right, he thought. There is always a way out of every predicament but in his own issue, the reverse was the case -he keeps having the strange feeling that there was no way out for him, he felt like he's never going to heal and this kept gnawing strongly at him; more than just a random feeling.
"I'm not positive there is a way out..."He stated in a flat tone. "The only way out of this, did suddenly vanish and had flee into the dark night, leaving me to wallow in my wrongdoing every day -Ciara."
How would she do about this? Hasn't he suffered his ill fate enough? Is there really no way out for him to get his happiness back? She missed seeing him laugh and those happy moments they used to spend together. It's almost four years since his happiness was forcefully taken away from him.
Mrs. Lerman held his left hand, caressing it softly. "We can still find her, she can't be gone forever, son."
"Yes, we can. But did you ever think otherwise?" He asked rhetorically, earning a raised brow from his mother. "What if she has moved on? And someone better had to find her, give her the happy life she deserves, do you think I still have a chance with her?"
"We can talk about this, Ryan." She began, gripping his hand more firmly. "We can talk this through when you return from work, we might as well find a way out."
Ryan shrugged his shoulders before checking his time. "Yeah, I guess so." He cited simply. "I think I have to go now because I've run quite later than I should be."
Mrs. Lerman released her grip on her son's hand, letting go of him. Immediately she did, Ryan kissed her on her right cheek and flashed her a smile. He hastily left, without waiting to hear if she had anything to say in reply.
She sighed, knowing that her son's smile was feigned, but did say nothing. Things have really gone much more complicated than she ever thought it will be. Her son is slowly changing on each new dawn, allowing himself to wallow in trepidation and guilt.
Seeing her son this way made her stomach churned, she was afraid. She was scared her son might turn out to be someone she won't recognize anymore -a shadow of himself at worst, and she dreaded the thought of it than ever...