I hadn’t even thought of him when I was with Jordan. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d been so wrapped up in myself, what this all meant for me, I’d forgotten about Devin. He was one of Jordan’s best friends, one of my best friends. That he had a thing for me was too much for me to wrap my head around.
“I’m not going tonight,” I stated abruptly. I couldn’t go. The fact was I could barely process being home again. Going to a street race with both Jordan and Devin in the same place at the same time? It was too much.
“What? Oh, come on, Rae. It’s the first race we’ve gone to together in years. Years.” She pouted, as I had expected, but bounced back quicker than I expected her to. Proving she was maturing, she gave me an option. “Well, if you change your mind we can go park out at the finish line with Rascal.” The thought of seeing Rascal, the street racing back half judge and one of my father’s long-time mechanics, made me smile. Everyone trusted Rascal as much as my dad did. When Rascal said a guy crossed the line first, that was final.
“That I might be able to handle.” I’d missed the races.
I avoided seeing Devin by not going to the dragstrip to see Aiden run. I hadn’t completely lied, I was tired. Breanna’s knowing glance as she left made me chuckle. She knew better.
I spent the day helping my mom clean. She was a small thing, smaller than me. Her blonde hair and clear blue eyes made her look younger than what she was.
The happiness that her life brought, shone from every inch of her. Even while she scolded her toddler grandson and especially when she rocked her infant granddaughter.
I was blessed beyond measure with my family. I’d known that every moment I was away. Bringing emotional baggage home with me wasn’t a proud moment.
Mom rocked the baby as I finished cleaning the kitchen. Through the archway that led from the kitchen to the living room, she watched me. She had that look as if she could see right through me. She could probably see through all of us. The lines of concern on her face filled my heart with love.
“You keep too much to yourself, Raelynn.” Her voice wasn’t loud, but I still heard her from the other room.
I sighed softly with regret. She wasn’t wrong, I was
keeping a lot to myself.
With both babies napping, it was the quietest the house had been all day. Finished with the kitchen, I joined Mom in the living room. A set of pictures on the mantel caught my eye. I’d wanted nothing more than for Jordan to take me to my senior prom. He’d scoffed at the idea of going back to a high school dance.
Devin hadn’t laughed at the idea. He took me and we’d had a great time. In the picture above the fireplace, we both looked happy…so very happy.
My heart ached for Devin because I hadn’t known he liked me. The picture, the way he gazed at me as he stood with his arm around my waist, made it obvious. My self-loathing only grew.
“You know you can talk to me.” The rocking chair creaked in concerned rhythm. “I worry about you and your brother.”
“I worry about Aiden, too.” Tucking my legs beneath me, I sat at her feet and placed my head in her lap. She shouldn’t be worried about me, I should be able to smile and tell her everything was okay. I was a coward, the only thing I could do was deflect her attention to Aiden. “I wonder sometimes why he ever married Wendy.”
“Well, he did. And babies need their mommas. All we can do is make the best of it.”
I couldn’t find a reason Aiden or the kids would need Wendy. Our history made it hard not to judge her. “They’ll have us, regardless.”
I left Mom with the kids and a clean house before stepping outside. On my first day back home I’d spent a lot of time sitting on the back porch. There was peace born from being home, I was safe here with none of the constant reminders of my failure and my shame.
When I’d been little, I would always lay on the trampoline and daydream. Breanna, full of boundless energy, had been the one to put the large toy to good use. Not me. I’d lay under the sun to tan or beneath the stars to gaze. Here was the safest of my happy places.
I crawled onto the squeaking springs with the hot black fabric creaking a little beneath the weight of me. For a long time, I lay there letting the sun warm my skin. As a kid, I’d fallen asleep that way countless times. The exhaustion of the last twenty-four hours took their toll on me, and I drifted off.
When I woke, it was late afternoon and the trampoline was shaded by the line of trees on the side of my yard. I was awake and refreshed. Birds chirped happily in the trees nearest me. Cocooned in the safety of fond memories of afternoon naps, I hadn’t dreamed at all.
The roar of a revving engine pierced the sunny disposition of the chirping birds leaving no doubt what had woken me.