Logan
"I got you...and you got me. We got each other, you got that?" my heart felt shattered, and I fought the urge to break in front of my little man. I squeezed him tightly in a hug, my voice quivering as I felt the pang inside. A lone tear ran down without my consent. "And as long as we got each other...nothing else matters. You and I both have to be strong and protect mommy. She needs us to be strong for her right now, ok buddy?... don't ever...ever forget that I love you, ok buddy?"
He's had it just as hard these days. He went from feeling joy to feeling guilty and shattered. I had to reassure him that the loss of our baby was not his fault. There was nothing any of us could have done. It was simply something that was going to happen. Whatever it was that we needed to learn, we will learn eventually, but for now...we had to be strong and give Sophie as much support as possible.
"Mommy hasn't come out of the room. I heard her crying again, and it's all my fault, dad. I made her so worried, I left and got lost that day without telling you both, and now... Now my baby brother is gone. He's gone, and it's all my fault." I shook my head, as he began crying his little eyes out. "No, no buddy, it's not your fault. Mommy doesn't blame you, and neither do I. It wasn't your fault, all you did was try to help Kenzie, it was not your fault, ok?" I said, cupping his face in my hands and looking straight at him. He nodded his little head but refused to look at me. His big checks made his lips pucker, making me feel melancholic at the sight of him.
These days haven't been easy. Though we've tried to cope with the loss of our little one, it hasn't been easy on us at all, nonetheless on Sophie. She's lost weight in such a short time, she doesn't eat or sleep, I'm afraid for her well-being. Today, she'll be going in for an appointment with her doctor to see how she's doing.
I hope all goes well, I hate to tell her that I will be going to New York for a few days. I'll be leaving her alone for most of the week and coming back on the weekend. My boss has been pressuring me to join him in the firm with him back in New York, but my heart is here, with my son and Sophie. We have the monetary efficiency and experience to independence ourselves from his firm. The firm will no longer be part of Thompson Laws, but will now be known as Mitchell and Spencer's Law firm. I'm eager to see where this is going.
It's a big step for me, and I'm scared shitless, but Derreck has been very supportive all the way. I'm also hiring dad, though I don't quite get along with him yet, I need him. He's one of the best lawyers I have ever known, and I can't wait for him to come down from Chicago to work with us. I also hired a lawyer from his firm that just remarried, from what I know, she has a young son my boy's age. From what dad has told me, she will make a wonderful asset to our firm, she's really good.
But my main priority is my family, perhaps when she joins us, and Nate meets her son, it will help him heal faster from everything that is happening.
"Listen, mommy will be back from the doctor in a bit. I want you to be a good boy with your grandpa, and wait for grandma Riley to come pick you up. I will be back on Saturday night, listen to mom, and help her with anything she asks, ok? I'm close to finding Michael, but don't tell Kenz, I want to give her the surprise. I love you, buddy." I said ruffling his hair and standing up.
I had just come to drop him off at his grandpa's house and had my luggage ready to go in my car. Troy was going to be dropping me off and bringing my car back to the house so I didn't have to leave it at the airport. It was a week before Thanksgiving, but it was getting pretty cold already, and they expected it to start snowing pretty soon. I hope I can come back safely, and not get snowed in at either airport.
"I love you, dad, be safe," he says, making me smile. "I will buddy. Goodbye Mr. P." I said waving at him. "Stay safe son. We'll be waiting for you when you get back," he says, grabbing Nate's hand and swinging Nate's backpack over his shoulder.
I turned on my heels and made my way to the car.
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Sophie (one hour before Logan's departure)
I had a long talk with my doctor about how I've been feeling. She made me realize that I am blessed with the wonderful people that surround me. They have all been very supportive, and have gone far and beyond trying to cheer me up.
After the long talk with her, I ended at a coffee shop nearby. I needed to be alone, I wasn't ready to go back home yet. "Sophie? I thought that was you, hun. How are you?" a sweet voice made me lift my head as I read through a book while sipping my coffee. "Hi, Mrs. Mitchell," I replied with a sincere smile. She sat next to me, giving me a kiss on my cheek.
"Please, call me Brie. The whole Mrs. Thing makes me feel so old," she says making both of us chuckle. "Tell me, how have you been these past few days?" she asks making me sigh. Mrs. Mitchell and her husband were present at my baby's funeral. They were so supportive, and constantly look after us, and ask how I am doing. "I'm ok," I reply with a small smile.
She tilts her head, sighing. She slowly grabs my hand, squeezing it slightly, "No, I mean... How are you, honey?" she asks again, and I fight the knot in my throat as tears form in my eyes making me look away.
"I just can't get over this feeling, it's so hard to cope with the loss of my baby." I manage to say before the tears flow down. I gulp down the knot in my throat and wipe my tears away. She grabs a napkin, handing it to me and running her hand up and down my arm in a soothing sensation. "I know it's hard, Sophie. A miscarriage is a wound that will never heal, but trust me when I say that it will not always be this hard. The pain will become bearable as the days go by, and before you know it, you will be able to go on with your life without resenting what happened to you and lovingly think of your baby."
I glance at her with my eyebrows pursed as the tears continued to flow. A barista cones by, placing her coffee in front of her, she thanks him, giving him a warm smile. "Thank you, Theo," she says and turned back to me. "How can you be so sure? I mean, I was distraught when mom died, but this pain I feel for my baby is different. I can't seem to get over it, and it's not just affecting me. It's affecting my relationship with Logan, and my son. My work, I can't seem to be able to write or get up to go to the studio. I lost my appetite overall." I said as I began to feel angry for myself.
She squeezes my shoulder and sighs. "You know after I had Aiden, I got pregnant again. Not even a year after Aiden was born, I had become pregnant again. I was so excited, we started buying stuff for the baby, we were sure it was going to be a girl. But... Sadly, when the baby was almost ten weeks old, I had a car crash. My car had lost control from the heavy snowfall and I ended flipped over in a ditch just out of town. I woke up three days later in the hospital, surrounded by my loved ones. You should have seen Jake's face, he hadn't slept at all those days. The hardest thing was finding my baby didn't make it." she says lowering her eyes and looking away as she reminisced on the event.
"It was rather hard for a while for everyone, Jake and I began to spend less time together. I often hid in my room while he extended his hours at work. Aiden was too small to know what was happening, but I thank God, I had my mom and my mother-in-law to help with looking after him. Let me give you a few words of advice sweetie... I know it's hard, but don't forget you still have a little one that needs you. He's aware of what happened and most likely, he will be blaming himself for it, just like I'm sure you are too, and if I'm not mistaken so does Logan. You all need each other, but if you are not willing to reach out for their hand, they will not be able to help you. Just like they will not be able to heal and get over that guilt. It's hard, yes... But it doesn't mean that you have to be stuck in that feeling." she says smiling and taking a sip from her coffee.
"I know I waited a while after that to become pregnant with Emily, and you know why? Because I was scared. I was scared that I'd lose her too. I couldn't get past the what-ifs. Don't make the same mistakes sweetheart. Go on with your life, and live prosperously, knowing that you don't just have your mom looking after you now, but your baby angel as well. They will love and protect you every step of the way. And when your rainbow baby comes along... Cherish and love every moment of it." she says getting up from her seat.
I stood up, and hugged her tightly, "Thank you, Brie. I needed to hear that." I said sweetly. "Any time sweetie. Oh, by the way, Emily will be down here for Christmas, She would love to see that you're back in town, we'd love to have you guys over for dinner. Anyway, I gotta run honey, but if you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to call, you know my number, ok?" she says giving me a tight squeeze on its arm and pulling me in for another hug.
I sigh as I see her leave. These days have surely not been easy, but she's right, I have to live on. Righteously, and joyfully, making my momma and my baby proud of who I am and what I will be. It's time I go and apologize to Logan and Nate for being so distant, and let them know that it's not their fault, it's no one's fault. Sadly, it was just something that was bound to happen. I love them so much, and I will always hold a special place for my heaven baby.
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