Hailey's POV
"You didn't move," I said, smiling widely as I saw Ian in the exact spot I left him. He was a goof and even left his hand mid air, pretending to be a statue.
"I listen well." He smiled smugly at me, only making my smile widen. I jumped on his lap, wrapping my legs around him and crossing my wrists behind his neck. Those piercing blue eyes of his held such gentleness as he looked at me, caressing my cheek with the back of his knuckles. "Are you going to tell Liv what happened?" I meant to- I wanted to- and I still do, but knowing what she's going through now, I am not sure that I can. I sighed, laying my head on his shoulder now as he began to rub my back.
"I am not sure I can," I admitted.
"She'll be upset that you didn't."
"And I am upset that she didn't tell me about her cancer. The door swings both ways," I snapped at him without meaning to.
My emotions were all over the place, and Ian was only trying to be helpful. He wasn't wrong. Liv is going to be really upset that I didn't tell her, but how can I? She's pregnant and has cancer. I can't add to her already full plate with my crap. This is something my family and I can handle without her. Christin can be my person to talk to until Liv finally opens up about what's going on with her. I just hope that Ian is wrong and Liv will tell us all the news soon.
"I know Hailey, but her news is pretty big. She isn't just going to call you and tell you over the phone."
"So? Are you saying her thing is worse than mine?" I pulled away, suddenly very enraged. Was he taking Liv's side now?
"What? No! God, no! That's not what I meant." He shook his head with wide eyes, fearing he said something wrong. Which he had.
"Then what are you saying?" I asked, getting off him as the anger continued to rise in me. It was obvious he didn't mean what he said, but the feeling lingered. The thought of him choosing Liv over me ate away at me. Now I was doing what I do best and self-sabotaging my relationship because I was scared.
"Just that you should talk to her now instead of waiting for her to tell you she has cancer. You already know it, even if it didn't come from her. She, on the other hand, has no idea what is going on with you," he explained, only making me feel like he was taking her side even more.
"She was the one that decided not to tell me. She was here, and I asked her what else was wrong, and instead of telling me, she lied and said she was fine. I could see something was up with her, but she decided I wasn't worth telling. So why should I be the one to tell her something deep and dark, when I don't even really want to recount it to a soul ever again?" My head was spinning, and at this point, I was practically yelling. My hands were flying all over the place as I used them even more to talk when I was upset.
"Hailey." Ian tried to calm me down, but it was too late. I was irrationally angry at him for no other reason than feeling like he was on her side instead of mine. Everything he was saying was logically sound. It was me who was being overly emotional and irrational, yet I couldn't get myself to stop. This isn't how I envisioned our time together when I stepped out of the bathroom. I had fun in mind, and now it was all ruined. For a moment, I began to wonder if I really should have said yes to being his real girlfriend. What if he always chooses Liv over me? What if he always sides with her instead?
"Ian, just go. Please, before I say something stupid." I pointed to my door, feeling it was best he left before I broke up with him over something as stupid as this. My insecurities were getting the best of me, which was never good for my decision-making skills.
"No," he refused, standing tall and staring me down. He looked serious, determined even. "I am here for you. You are who I choose, and I won't leave, until you're sure of that."
"How can I be when you are taking her side?" I snapped, just wanting to be left alone now.
"I am not taking her side, Hailey. I wish you could see that I'm just trying to help you- to help your friendship." His eyes held mine softly, seeming hurt by my words.
"It doesn't sound like that to me. Would you please just go? I can't deal with this right now." I shook my head with my eyes closed, pointing towards the door.
"This? Do you mean this conversation? Or do you mean us?"
"Ian, please," I pleaded, not wanting to make things worse.
"Answer me, Hailey. Are you regretting your answer?" He knew just which buttons to press and what questions to ask.
"Maybe," I admitted, looking at him to see the deep hurt that one word had caused. I immediately regretted it, but it was too late to take it back.
"I was hoping you were ready. That I could somehow make you believe in love again, but I think you're determined to stay this way. You don't want to be loved because you're too scared. I'm choosing you, Hailey, but you aren't choosing me. You're choosing yourself." Ian looked so hurt as he walked towards the door, yet he kept his composure, spewing some harsh truths. "I won't wait forever, Hailey. I've done that before, and I refuse to do it again."
"You did it for her," I whispered.
"And look how it ended. I won't wait, Hailey," he said firmly before he stepped out of my bedroom, closing the door behind him.
I spent the rest of the evening and most of the night thinking over his words. Then I thought of how terrible I've been. Utterly selfish, and yet Ian wanted me. There may be some lingering feelings there for Liv, but I can see they are growing smaller. It's me who's the problem now. I'm too scared to let him, and now I'm self-sabotaging this relationship before it's had a real chance.
Tomorrow greeted me with its harsh lights, keeping me from sleeping in. Today I had some interviews set up, but I felt so exhausted physically and emotionally that I wasn't sure I should go. Liv hadn't texted me, even though she used to text me every other day at least. Our times have grown more distant, and it seems I know why now.
"Let's go, Leelee. You don't want to be late. Interviews then tamale making. Go, go, go!" Christin clapped her hands at me, rushing me to get out of bed. I groaned in complaint as I rolled out of bed. "Jesus, did you buy a whole department store? How do you even find clothes in this mess?" She asked as she looked into my closet for the first time.
"I have a system, don't worry."
I found an elegant dress that appeared very professional but showed my style. Of course, I had to pair it with heels, despite their betrayal the other day. Grabbing my portfolio, I headed out, feeling so unprepared for this. Thankfully, I can be pretty charming.
Hours ticked, and I had finished them all, feeling they went rather well despite my turmoil. When I got back to the penthouse, I could smell the pork from down the hall. I've always loved this smell, transporting me back to my childhood when Papi, Mami, and most of my sisters made tamales while I taste tested them all. Even as a child, I couldn't cook. Rather than teach me how to do it right, Mami would just take over and do it for me. Not the best way to learn.
"I'm back!" I called out, hearing her rustling in the kitchen.
"Come then. I have everything prepared so we can focus on assembling them today," she said, pulling out the mixing bowls and the soaked corn husks. I smiled, feeling so excited to make these with her. I put some music on before joining her. "Okay, what's wrong? Aside from the obvious, did your interviews not go well?"
"Who says anything is wrong?" I asked as I washed my hands and put an apron on.
"You just put on some soft piano music with no words to make tamales to. How could something not be wrong?"
I sighed as I realized I was being a little too broody not to go unnoticed. "It's things with Ian," I started, telling her everything that had happened. Knowing she would not tell a soul, yet alone talk to Liv, I told her about the cancer too. I spilled it all as we husked our tamales. Talking and making tamales go hand in hand, although it's usually chisme {gossip} that is said.
"I am glad you didn't just break up with him. So that's definitely a step in the right direction." She nodded as she tied the corn husk with twine and stood it inside the steamer we would place in the pot of boiling water.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. No matter what, I can't seem to stop being scared enough to let him in all the way."
"Let's dive into that. Why are you scared?"
"Because I've seen what love can do to you when it doesn't work out. I saw how depressed Papi got when Mami cheated."
"I swear we've had this conversation before, but let me see if I can make it clearer to you." Christin stopped what she was doing to fully face me. She wanted me to know how serious she was being, so I mirrored her actions. "Tell me, did Tío ever remarry?" she asked.
"No, he didn't."
"Why do you think that is?"
"Because he doesn't want to be heartbroken again?" I had honestly never asked Papi why he hadn't. The thought never really crossed my mind.
"No, my dad asked him once, and he said it was because he knew he would never find a love like the one he had with your mother. I remember him saying that he was just fine being alone for the rest of his life because he got to experience true love for a good few years with your mom. His focus became you and your sisters and eventually the restaurant as well."
"He said all that?" I asked, surprised by this side of Papi I didn't know.
"He did. To him, the heartache was worth the love. So, if things don't work out with you, Ian, do you think the love you will share will be worth the heartache? If the answer is no, then you need to let him go. However, if there is even the smallest sliver that it is, then you need to let go and fall in."
"You make it sound so easy." I sighed, squishing the masa in my hands.
"Because it is. Once you answer that question, it all becomes very simple. So is Ian worth it?" I nodded my head, not having to think about it too hard. "Good, so make up and step out of your own way. Fall in love already, Hailey!"
"Okay, okay. Sheesh."
"Oh, one more thing. I can't do any more cooking lessons. With Juan gone, your dad has made me head chef, and as such, I don't have a lot of time anymore. I am sorry, Leelee."
"Are you crazy? There's no need to be sorry. I am so happy for you, Tinita. You're making your dreams come true."
We laughed and spoke as we cooked, helping me feel 100 times better by the time we finished. Does she count as a therapist? It certainly feels like it. Now I just need to make up with Ian.