Ian's POV
The mood was definitely not what I imagined it would be coming home. We had started our day hopeful and excited, only to have it blow up in our faces. I have never, in my life, heard of such a thing as this molar pregnancy. Now, not only were we left heartbroken, but I had never seen Hailey look this broken before. Not even on the day Juan attacked her. Even then, she seemed stronger, as if she knew she could overcome what had happened to her. This was different, seeing her try to fight back her tears. It wasn't until we got into the car that I dragged her towards me and she began to sob heavily.
"It's going to be okay, Hailey. I am so sorry," I whispered, rubbing her back and smoothing her hair down comfortingly.
All I could feel right now was utter heartbreak, feeling robbed by the universe. I kept my feelings locked away, knowing I had to be strong for her to soothe her, who all this was actually happening to. Her body had betrayed her in a way I could never imagine. She thought she had been growing our child, happily singing and eating as we planned, only to find out it was nothing more than a possibly cancerous mass. The urgency with which the OB spoke about Hailey having a D and C told me how bad things could go. I don't think I could live if this turned into cancer and she had to go through that as well as having lost a child.
No matter what anyone says, we lost a child today. It may have never been a fetus, but to us for the past 7 weeks, we knew about it; it had been our baby. We had already grown to love it, planning ahead and feeling excited. I guess, in the end, it was a good thing we didn't tell many people, because having to break this news to them would only hurt us further. I already wasn't looking forward to trying to explain this to Liv and Lucas. Liv has been deep into her treatment, causing her to be sick more often than not. Lucas was sleep-deprived, having to essentially care for Johnny and Abi by himself. I was sure he was barely sleeping, if getting any at all.
I drove us home in silence as Hailey continued to silently cry. The music was turned off, and the silence was more than I could bear. There had to be something I could do- some way to make her feel better. But there was nothing that could make either of us feel okay right now. Today we will wallow in this sadness and grieve the loss of the child we thought we would have. Come Monday, Hailey will have the procedure and I will be there to care for her when she wakes. I won't let her go through this alone.
I took her upstairs, holding her close to my chest as we made our way inside our apartment. The parenting books we were reading lay on the coffee table, taunting us. I quickly grabbed them, tossing them in the drawer and trying to forget all about them. Hailey sat on the couch, staring at the floor blankly. She seemed like a shell of herself, unable to do much else but exist. I hated to see her this way, but I understood it. Instead of trying to change the way she felt, I wrapped us in a blanket, putting something on the TV as background noise. I held her on my chest as we lay on the couch. We took a nap together, feeling utterly drained.
"I don't know how to help her feel better, Red. She hasn't eaten anything since yesterday, and she refuses to leave the bed." I spoke my concerns to her over the phone, whispering in the kitchen so Hailey wouldn't hear me.
"I can't believe this happened to you guys. I am so sorry, Ian. There really isn't anything you can do, aside from be there for her. Express your loss as well and let her know you know how she's feeling. It's a little different, as this is physically happening to her, but you lost a baby too, and that feeling isn't any different for you." Red sounded raspy as she spoke, indicating she had been throwing up most of the morning.
"It's just hard to see her this way, Red. I don't know what to do. It's only breaking me further. She doesn't deserve this." My voice cracked as tears began to mist my eyes once more. I cried last night after Hailey had fallen asleep, finally letting myself feel everything I needed to.
"You don't either. Neither of you do. It's going to take a while, Ian, but she will be okay. Just keep being you and she will come around to herself soon. Hopefully, she'll feel a little better after that thing is taken out of her. Have you asked her how she's feeling?"
"Well, no, that feels redundant. It's obvious she's sad."
"She could be more than sad. Talk to her and see what she says. Maybe she needs to know you're feeling it, too."
"Yeah, okay. I'll do that. Thanks, Red."
"Any time."
"How are you today?" I asked, feeling the need to check on her, too.
"I could be better, but I am doing okay. Thanks."
"Good, we'll come see you again soon. I promise."
"Don't worry about me, Ian. You have a lot going on. I'm fighting my fight, and I am beating this cancer's ass."
"I believe that." I let out a low chuckle.
"Go talk to Hailey. I'll call her later, too."
"Yeah, okay. Love you, Red. Thank you."
"Love you, too."
The line clicked, leaving me alone in the silence of my kitchen. I took a deep breath, making my way to our room. The door creaked as I cracked it open, seeing her hidden beneath the blankets. She looked like a little cocoon, adorable in the way she wiggled around when she saw me.
"Hey, beautiful, can we talk?" I strolled over to her, sitting on the bed beside her. She groaned, but I poked her out, peering up at me groggily. "I'll take that as a yes." I smiled at her softly, pulling the blanket off her face further. "First, I want you to know that I am here for you. Whatever you need. But Hailey, I want to know. How are you feeling? What can I do?"
"How am I feeling?" she repeated, sitting up quickly and throwing the blanket fully off her. "I'm growing a mass that could turn into cancer and it's just sitting inside me. I can't even trust my body to do the one thing I should be able to do. I'm broken inside and out, stuck in this half-pregnant state until this thing is out of me," she snapped, gesturing to her stomach with her hands on either side. Clearly, she was more than just sad. She was furious at her body.
"Hailey, you're not broken. This was just something random that happened to us. We don't know why, and we may never find out. This wasn't your fault, Mi Luz. There is no part of me that thinks this was your fault."
"How could you not? It was my egg that messed up. If it had just been normal, then none of this would have happened." She cracked, her voice thick with tears once more.
"Look at me, Hailey." I waited for her eyes to meet mine before I continued. "This is not your fault. It isn't. Do you understand me? The only one blaming yourself is you."
She fell back, placing her arm over her eyes as she began to sob again. I cradled her, pulling her to my lap and holding her tight.
"You are perfect, Hailey. Absolutely perfect."
"Don't." She shook her head against me, her voice weak and shaky. "I am not."
"You are. No matter what you think, you are perfect. This wasn't your fault. Hailey, you are the most perfect woman in my eyes. This won't always be our future. Eventually, we will have a baby and he or she will be perfect, just like you. Don't doubt it for a second."
I spent the rest of the night cradling her close and reminding her that it was not her fault. She cried more and argued a bit, but by the end of it, she seemed to accept it. I will help her find her confidence once more and accept that this was just a random act of God and nothing to do with her. Maybe it just wasn't our time to be parents, and that's fine. I know from the bottom of my heart that Hailey and I will have a baby together one day, and that's all I need to carry me through. Come Monday, I will be by Hailey's side through it all, caring for her as best I can. Once she's herself again, I'll continue with my plan to propose. I know now is no longer the best time to do it with everything we have just gone through.