For a Saturday morning, I expected the coffee shop to be quieter than it was. Waiting at a table, I cuddle myself in my warm sweater, holding my hot coffee close.
The door of the shop opened and I glanced over to see Elizabeth walk in.
“Beth,” I called her.
She saw me and pulled up a chair. “How are you?”
“Sick,” I replied, “I think I’ve been hit with every possible pregnancy symptom.”
She smiled. “You should eat something.”
“There’s no point in eating when it will just end with my head in the toilet.”
“I’ll go get a coffee and be back.”
“Sure.” I sipped my drink and looked out the window to the people walking by. Beth had asked me last night to meet her and I had agreed, I needed someone desperately for the first time in my life. A friend. Someone who wouldn’t judge me or overwhelm me.
She was back over in a few minutes and sat.
I was a silent for only a second and then I spewed. “I’m really sorry, Beth. It’s not the same stress as work—”
“It’s okay. I know you are. I mean, you definitely weren’t expecting this. I guess for me, like looking in, I just got frustrated. Which is why I wanted to say sorry to you. It should have taken this long but still . . .”
“Well, I was probably more at fault.”
“No, not really.” She shook her head, “You were just upset and I got upset because . . .”
I waited as she sucked back obvious emotion.
“I just got too worked up over you being pregnant.”
“Why?” I breathed, “I mean . . . I know I was stupid and sorta freaking but . . .”
“No,” Beth shook her head, “I’ve been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half now. I guess -I guess I got jealous, Amy.”
I stared at her. “Uh . . .” I tried to find the right words.
“It’s okay.” She assured me, “It’s just getting frustrating for me.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I breathed, trying to figure out how I’d been her friend for years and not heard once about it.
Beth shrugged. “We just kept it to ourselves.”
I was really crappy in these type of situations. Sort of like funerals—wasn’t good at those either.
“Jeez.” I said under my breath.
She shrugged. “It is what it is. We’re trying to decide now what we’d like to do. Like maybe adopting or—I just don’t want to do any more injections, it’s so horrible and lengthy.”
I nodded, I had no idea what she was talking about, but it seemed a lot less enjoyable then getting saved by a bushman and knocked up.
“Anyway,” Beth continued, “I talked to Steven about it and he sort of put it in perspective better for me. I’m just frustrated with my own problems and it wasn’t fair to get mad at you for them.”
I wondered if a lot of women like Beth couldn’t have kids and though I could see my situation being frustrating from that side of it, I was far from ready to have a child—if I ever would be.
“I’m—” I choked on the words. “I’m suppose to have an abortion on Monday.”
“Amy, I understand. It makes sense. Plus, Ean; he’s so far away and you hardly know him.”
I was about to drop my head to the table and groan. I had a decent enough grip on Ean Hunter. He was pretty straight forward in all aspects. He hadn’t hidden much other than Claire and I could understand that, and the rest of the time, he’d been trying hard to convince me all I needed was him.
“Er—” I tried to process.
“Amy, it’s okay. I’ll be here for you. I’ll even go with you Monday if you want someone to go with?”
I needed support and I knew that. I nodded my head.
“Okay,” She said softly.
I realized how good a friend she was, I also realized how stupidly wrapped in myself I could be too. We continued to talk, luckily not about babies or men and when I finally got home, I opened my fridge for some milk, but I had no milk.
I had no food.
My house was empty. I had clean dishes and cups and bottles of expensive wine but no actual food.
I opened the pantry where one box of crackers sat on the barren shelves.
Ean’s house was full of things and as I looked around me, a box of stale crackers in hand. .
I began to cry, hugging the food to my chest. Overwhelmed by the thought of being a box of lonely crackers my whole life.
~~~
I stared across my office as I sipped the hot coffee, twitching at the thought that I’d later be at the clinic.
My phone beside me went off and snapped me out of my comatose state.
I pressed the intercom as my secretary rang in.
“Yeah?”
“Amy, Doug is running late, but he wanted to say he’d be there shortly.”
“Okay, thanks.” I couldn’t withhold the agitation in my voice even if I didn’t mind more time to zone out.
“Do you need anything?” She asked me after a moment.
I creased my brow. My pregnancy might not have been obvious yet, but apparently my mood was. “No, thank you.”
I sat at my desk on the internet, passing the time, not working but looking for more info on the procedure I’d be having later that evening. Some time later, I found myself on a pregnancy site, which showed growth photographs of what was inside me.
Growing.
Developing.
The door shot open as I squinted to look at one of the images. Startled, I quickly closed all the screens I had open as Doug walked in.
“Morning, Amy.” Walking over with a fresh delivery of coffee. I looked at the clock, it was almost noon and I was getting hungry, not thirsty.
“Thanks.” I placed the brand-name paper cup on a coaster and started to wonder why he kept bringing me coffee.
“Did you have a good weekend?” He asked and sat on the couch.
“Uh—Yeah, it was alright. What about you?”
“I went over your report from last week.”
“Oh, okay.” I nodded, not expecting much from it.
He mulled over this words. “It just didn’t seem like your normal work. I mean, it didn’t seem as thorough.”
My fist in my lap clenched. “It was a smaller case, Doug. That company is basically collapsing. There’s not a lot to show. Make an offer on it or—”
He cut me off. “Well, you just didn’t seem that into it. Then at dinner on Friday, I mean I guess your sick.”
Was he really lecturing me on this? Six years of working for him and he was seriously doing this to me on a no-nothing case that personally, I didn’t think was worth our time.
“Doug, I don’t think we should buy it.”
“Well, I think it’s promising.”
I stared at him, he never questioned me and he never cared much about what we were buying or who we were buying.
“Then I wouldn’t pay much for it. Set a limit, like two million.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I wouldn’t pay more than that. Seriously,” I said firmly.
“Well, I just think there’s more to it.”
“No, Doug.” I laughed. “There isn’t.” I did not understand what Doug was doing, a lot of our cases were shutting and then I’d have a couple weeks before I got more opened. I glanced at the clock as it got within the lunch hour mark. I was hungry and Elizabeth would be coming to get me shortly for our deli-date.
“Amy.”
My eyes snapped to him as I played with one of my earrings. “Yeah.”
“I think we should go out.”
I didn’t know what that meant. “Another Dinner meeting?”
“No, I just meant—out.”
“Go out where, Doug?” I glanced at the clock again, my stomach rumbling.
“Together.”
Together? My brows creased together. “What?”
The door burst open and Elizabeth halted right away, her mouth half open as she stopped her barge-in. “Oh, sorry.”
“Uh.” I tried, not knowing if were done or not, I really hoped we were.
Doug glanced at me. “Were you going for lunch?”
“I can come back in a bit?” Elizabeth offered.
“No- No, I’m starving.” I was sure my stomach noises were now being heard.
“Let’s all go get lunch, I’m hungry too.” Doug stood.
Elizabeth looked shocked, but she went with it. “Alright.”
I grabbed my purse and coat and headed out with them. This was going to be awkward. I had planned on venting to my friend for most of the lunch about later that afternoon.
We all caught the elevator down in dead silence. I was starting to feel sick with the dropping of the floors and then finally, we stopped at the lobby.
“Where do you want to eat, Amy?” Doug asked as we crossed the street.
I shrugged. “We were going to the deli originally.”
“Sounds good. Let’s go.” Doug led us there.
Elizabeth latched on to me right away once his attention was on walking. She whispered asking me if I was okay and I gave her a small nod.
When we got there, I found the nearest table and took off my coat.
“What do you want, Amy?” Doug asked me suddenly.
“Oh . . .” I thought, “I’ll grab it in a minute.”
“Well, I’m going up there,” He said with a keen smile.
I hesitated and off the top of my head, said whatever sandwich and soup combo that had been on the sign outside.
“Alright.” He spun on the heel of his expensive shoe.
Elizabeth watched him walk away. “What the heck was that? I’m not good enough for lunch?”
“I don’t know. He’s been acting weird. On Friday we were supposed to go for a business dinner, it got cancelled last minute and he never called me, just let me show up to the restaurant. I got sick, though, I went home.”
“Really?”
“Yeah . . . maybe he lost all his friends.” I joked.
She looked over at him and shot around. “Does he like you?”
“No!” I snapped. “What’s to like?”
She sighed. “Well, it’s not like you’re hard to look at.”
I narrowed my eyes. “There’s no way, I’d go for that.”
“Good.”
Elizabeth knew he was a bit of a jerk, given his father’s company—life handed to him on a platter of gold sort of thing. However, I had always been pretty supportive of him, knowing it’d pay off in bonuses.
I leant into her to change the subject before he returned. “I’m freaking out.”
“About this evening?”
“Yeah.” I felt the lump in my throat growing.
“Well, how do you mean exactly? ”
“I don’t know.” I sucked in a breath to place my thoughts together. “I keep having dreams about him.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “About Ean?”
“Yeah, it’s so messed up.”
“What do you want, Amy?” She grabbed my hand on the table, “Sometimes the rest isn’t worth it if you can’t have what you really want.”
I stared at her, I wasn’t really sure what that meant.
She shook my hand to get my attention back. “Amy?”
“I don’t think I can do it today.” I burst aloud, my eyes bugging at my declaration.
Beth’s eyes stayed fixed on me as Doug sat down, a sharp snap as he put the tray to the table. I dug my fingers into hers and he looked us over, cocking an eyebrow.
“Hey?” He tried.
He passed my food, sliding it across the table to me. “Here, Amy . . .”
Elizabeth broke the hold on our hands suddenly. “I’ll be right back.” She walked to the counter of the bistro, sharing a worried look with me, both of us unaware that Doug was looking between us.
I finally spoke to him. “Thanks for lunch.”
His eyes and hesitation made me panic. “I didn’t know—”
I waited in apprehension for him to finished his sentence.
“I didn’t know you were, a lesbian, but I guess that makes sense.” He picked up his sandwich and bit into it. “Bit of a bummer, though.”
I didn’t know what to say as I stared at him stunned. “Uh . . .” My cell phone rang in my pocket and I fumbled to get it out. It was the clinic.
“Doug, I need to—I’ll be right back.” I walked outside as I answered the call.
“Miss. Black, we’re just calling to remind you of your appointment with us at four thirty, as you requested.”
“I need to cancel!” That was it, I was losing my mind.
No, I had already lost it—seven weeks before.