I detested doctor appointments. You waited and waited for a five-minute conversation with someone who always seemed far too aloof to have done all the schooling they had.
As I waited impatiently, I checked my phone for the billionth time, hoping for something from Beth. It was unusual, unusual for her to snap at me, to get mad at me; she understood my brain—she was the only one who did.
The door shot open, and it took me out of my thoughts right away.
My preppy gynaecologist looked happy to see me; I was giving that thirty seconds at the most.
“Amy! How are you?”
I almost laughed from where I sat on the near chair. “Not good.”
“Oh.” She paused, turning towards me as she shut the door. “Is there something wrong?”
“Yes.” I spat out. “I’m pregnant.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? If you want, we can confirm it.”
“I took a home test, and it was positive. It also sickly all lines up with the last time I was with someone. I want to know why my birth control isn’t working!”
She opened my file that the nurse had left and looked it over. It took her a minute of studying before she turned to me. “Amy, there’s several notes in here from my nurses saying there were three voice messages left regarding your next shot. That was four and half months ago.”
I couldn’t believe it; she was saying it was my fault, and that took her some nerve. “No, there wasn’t!”
“Amy, just calm down. You’re alright.”
“No! I am not!” I stood. “I’m pregnant with some guys baby that I hardly know!”
“Amy, you were on this contraceptive the past five years. We figured you were stopping it. We know our clients are busy, if no attempt to book another appointment is made, we figure you want to discontinue use.”
“Oh my god!” I exclaimed, “I didn’t want to discontinue anything! I liked it!”
“Amy, please, sit down. There’s options if this was an accident. We can get you back on contraceptive right away, and I can make a referral to a clinic—”
I winced as I sat. “For an abortion?”
“Therapeutic abortion, if it’s what you would like?” She asked with slight hesitation.
I swallowed, then shook my bud of emotion. “Yes. I want that.”
She nodded. “We’ll set that up; they’ll call you. Though we should just do an ultrasound and see how far along you are.”
“Today?”
“We can, yes; it’ll only take a few minutes.”
“Sure.” I grunted, thinking about how this was all my fault. I vaguely remembered the voicemails now that I thought of it. I also remember being wrapped up in work all three times I’d listened to them. On top of that, it’d been so long since my last shot, that had put me right before Richard, my cheating ex-boyfriend had broken up with me.
I became frustrated with myself as the doctor went about calling in her ultrasound tech.
“Amy, let’s head down the hall. Marie will do the ultrasound for you.”
“Thanks.” I stood and walked behind her, hugging my coat to my chest as she brought me into a dimly lit room.
“Have a seat, she’ll be right in.”
I sat on the paper cover bed and waited, but only for a few moments before the door opened and Marie walked in.
“Oh, good afternoon!”
I wouldn’t have gone straight to ‘good.’
“Please, lay back, lift your shirt, so your abdomen is exposed.” She instructed as she went about turning on a computer.
Pulling my well-fitted dress shirt from my pants and grumbling as I undid the buttons. I laid back and waited, feeling the impending doom.
She brought out the ultrasound wand. “Slightly cool gel.” She warned and then pressed it to my stomach.
I couldn’t see the screen at the angle I was at, and I was fine with that, I just wanted out of there and maybe grab some food on the way home.
Marie reached and turned the screen towards me. “You’re about six weeks, four days.”
I looked to her as the black screen showed nothing remotely close to making sense.
She pointed. “This is the heartbeat, right there, you can see it moving?”
I squinted, I could see something moving, very fast. It was more like a flicker on the screen around some white outlines more than anything.
A heartbeat. It had a heart. It was nothing but a heart, and I hadn’t been expecting that.
She pulled the wand off after a minute, “So, congratulations.”
“What?”
She smiled. “Congratulations.”
“Oh . . .” I sat up after she wiped the gel from me, I got it. Congratulations on the heartbeat in my stomach. Right.
“Thanks.” I breathed as I got off the bed and moved towards the door. I fled down the hall into the reception, I didn’t care if they needed to see me more, I couldn’t deal with it.
I got out of the building and decided to walk home, even though it would take me twenty or more minutes to do so. My brain felt like it was in overdrive. I don’t know what I had been expecting, but I hadn’t been expecting a heartbeat inside me, all because of him.
This heartbeat would be the death of me. If my parent’s hadn’t killed me, if University hadn’t, if Ean Hunter hadn’t; this surely was going to kill me!
I pulled my phone out and the hit Elizabeth’s name on the screen, waiting as it rung and fell to voicemail. My insides turned, and since I didn’t know what else to do, I left a message.
“Beth, this is Amy. I just went to the doctor and they—they gave me this ultrasound and there was a freaking heartbeat, and that stupid nurse showed me it, but I guess—I guess it’s possible that the thing has a heart though right, cause even though I don’t, he did? I don’t know what to do, Beth! Seriously! Can’t you call me . . . or text or . . .” I trailed off as I passed the deli and decided a sandwich would satisfy my panic. “I guess I’ll talk to you later.” I breathed and hung up the phone, walking inside and standing in line.
I ordered, my sandwich and soup being packaged as I thought of Ean. Even though I had tried hard to erase most of my memory of him, he was still very much there, and it was very frustrating. I was good at forgetting, focusing. He seemed to be my utter weakness.
I then let myself slip, thinking about where he was or what he was doing. If I kept it and told him, I had an idea what he might want; me. It disturbed me, and as my food was passed to me across the counter, I threw my thoughts away.
I wasn’t going to think of anything for the rest of the night.
I wasn’t going to think of heartbeat.
I wasn’t going to think of Bushman.
I was just going to go home and eat.
And I tried not to let that one and only thought, completely depress me.